Soulful Relationships

Creating a Peaceful Sanctuary

2011-06-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

2011-06-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery—that intimate relationships can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred place where we can be ourselves, as we are..and…speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, revealing our raw edges and unmasking ourselves is a type of sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.

Revealing ourselves with full disclosure is so hard for most of us because we don't always respond to each other with full acceptance or grace. Thus, we often hide or withhold information about ourselves to our partners...but...when we hide who we really are, warts and all, than we forfeit the potential opportunity to experience healing from our partners. There are no easy answers to this dilemma. All I can think to do is to strive to model forgiveness, acceptance, and grace to our partners and "hope" this will encourage them to reciprocate. And, if both partners can do this on a regular basis than our relationships can provide a healing sanctuary that we all need and deserve.

Romantic Love

2011-06-07T09:34:00.001-07:00

2011-06-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love, we may neglect our life’s duties and obligations…to be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions…and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love.

I believe there are two common mistakes made by individuals and our society at large regarding romantic love. One is to overemphasize the importance and role of romantic love in a relationship and the other is to underestimate it's significance. When we over estimate the role of romantic love we set ourselves up for potential disillusionment down the road when strong emotional feelings are bound to waver and subside after the early infatuation stage which is a part of all relationships. And, when we downplay it's importance we do so at the peril of missing out or at least experiencing the full potential of the romantic experience which, as the author of this quote suggests,is as important to the other aspects of love. So, the implications are that we need not pit romance against the other critically important aspects of love, nor should we elevate it to a higher status which cannot be maintained during the course of any normal healthy relationship.

Ordinary Human Love

2011-05-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

2011-04-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ordinary human love is always relative, never consistently absolute. Like the weather, relative love is in continual dynamic flux. It is forever rising and subsiding, waxing and waning, changing shape and intensity…thus…relationships continually oscillate between finding common ground and having that ground slip as their differences pull them in different directions…being tossed by shifting tides of memories, expectations, and wounds from the past. The oscillation between lovers…the ups and downs, is only a problem when and if we expect it to be otherwise, when we imagine that love and the emotions associated with feeling loved should manifest itself as a linear straight steady state. That kind of expectation prevents us from appreciating the special gift that relative love does have to offer: Personal intimacy and the sharing of who we are in our distinctiveness.

This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.

New Kinds of Kisses

2011-04-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

2011-04-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves, but not in a way we might recognize if our version of love is based on how we show, want, or remember it from our past. In other words,to be good lovers requires an openness to new brands of kisses.

I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?

We all need, want, and desire love

2011-04-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

2011-04-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

" We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it. Suppressing or denying desire shuts down our openness to receiving nourishment, and thus only intensifies our hunger…Perhaps if we could make friends with our desire to want love we might find that our wanting itself is holy. We want love, after all, because we intuitively know that it can free us from the prison of the isolated self, allowing us to feel connected and at one with all of life..and…what is so bad about wanting that?"

I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.

Maintaining the Balance

2011-04-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

2011-04-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Couples feel they are loved when they feel genuinely held, that is, when their partners provide both warm contact and gentle space that lets them be…Contact involves meeting, seeing, touching, attunement, connection, and care…Partners also need to be given space---room to be, themselves. Contact without space can become intrusive, claustrophobic, smothering….and when partners fail to provide this spaciousness, their partner feels smothered and controlled…then…they are vulnerable to become overly oriented towards pleasing their partner and fitting into their partners designs and plans, thus losing touch with their own sense of being. And, when a partner does not provide warm emotional contact, then their partner may experience feelings of loss, neglect or abandonment.

The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.

Journey of the Heart

2011-03-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

2011-03-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

"Disillusionment with our relationships can potentially offer a glimpse of certain truths that can help mobilize ourselves and move us beyond feeling depressed or despaired. No one else can save us from feeling alone or the wounds of our past. Intimate relationships cannot in themselves heal the basic ache of being a separate individual. No one else can provide all the healing love, security, or nurturance we hope and dream of...therefore, it is futile to seek from others the confidence we lack or the love won't provide for ourselves. Painful as these realities are they help ground us in reality and give us a path that we need to connect to ourselves more deeply and develop our own strength and confidence instead of waiting for others to bring these qualities into our lives"

This is a quote from John Welwood's book Journey of the Heart. Many of the quotes featured here are from this book or one of his two other books, Love and Awakening and Imperfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. I like and appreciate Welwood's books because he not only offers what I consider a more honest and realistic view of relationships but his writings challenge us as individuals to dig deeper and offer an optimistic interpretation of the emotional pain which is associated with all human relationships.

Reality check

2011-02-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

2011-02-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

"While the play and experience of intimacy often generates sparks of curiosity and passion, it also ensures that intimacy can only be intermittent at best. Intimate moments, in which we make contact across the great divide of our differences, are just that--moments--rather than a consistent, steady flow...At its best two people can appreciate and enjoy each other in midst of their differences. At its worst, however, it becomes the stuff of soap opera and tragedy."...

While we always want to approach and live our lives in a spirit of hope it is equally prudent to remember and remind ourselves from time to time that life is never predictable and things often don't work out the way we hope...but,I also suspect if we always received what we hoped for at a particular time if we wouldn't be just as equally disappointed "later" rather than sooner.

True Love

2011-02-19T06:45:00.000-08:00

2011-02-19T06:36:00.000-08:00

"True love doesn't embrace others in spite of their flaws, as if rising above them. Rather, it finds "the other lovable in spite of and together with their weaknesses, errors, and imperfections...Because of your beloved's weakness you shall not remove yourself from them or make your relationship more remote: on the contrary, the two of you shall hold together with greater solidarity in order to remove the weakness"...

Soren Kierkegaard Works of Love....This of course does not mean one accepts and thus enables abuse and assumes our beloved is self aware and acknowledges their weaknesses.

Relationship Book Series and Review: SoulMates

2009-11-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

2009-11-11T18:36:00.001-08:00

Over the past seven or eight years I have read a number of books on relationships and Thomas Moore's book SoulMates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship is one of my favorites. Moore is a successful author who has an interesting background which includes 12 years in a Catholic monastery. He nows travels extensively throughout North America lecturing on a wide variety of topics. Before taking to lecture circuit Moore served a number of years as a psychotherapist and wrote numerous best selling books which include Care of the Soul, Dark Nights of the Soul, and The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life.

Moore's style is very different from most books one may read on relationships because they are not intended to provide the reader with "specific" answers on how to find a mate or how to solve one's relationship problems. So,if you are looking for a book that spoon feeds you the answers to the myriad of relationship dilemmas that exist than Moore is not for you. However, reading Moore will stimulate your mind and imagination in regards to the purpose,nature,essence, and mystery of relationships, in other words, your assumptions and perspective on relationships will be challenged. For me, I experienced numerous aha moments which made a lot of sense to me. I also found Moore's style interesting because he "integrates" and weaves his background knowledge of religion, spirituality, mythology, and philosophy into his understanding of relationships in a way that makes him unique.

While reading SoulMates may not "directly" help you find a mate, if you are looking for one, or solve your current relationship problems it may just contribute and enrich your current or future relationships in profound ways. I'll leave you with a some quotes from Moore's book SoulMates to give you a sense of his perspective.

Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….

Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.

Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.

Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….

Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love of love, we may neglect life duties and obligations, we may make heroic efforts to be with our beloved..To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by it’s illusions….From the point of the view of the soul, romantic love is trustworthy because the literal concerns of life are set aside. The soul has room to go into action, and its action is always in the nature of play...and…in our childish attachment to romance we are championing the way of the soul, its thirst for pleasure, and its inescapable need for experiences that may or may not be conducive to productive lives...and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love….

The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.

Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.

Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…

The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.

Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.

Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.

In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…

Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.

It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.

The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.

Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”

Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.

Pain and difficulty can sometimes serve as the pathway to a new level of involvement. They do not mean necessarily that there is something inherently wrong with the relationship: on the contrary, relationship trouble may be a challenging initiation into intimacy.

Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?

If we can find the courage

2009-04-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

2009-04-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

I remember Steve Allen, the comedian, once say about relationships, "Look out, you're in for some tough times ahead...really tough times". Thanks Steve!...but, he is right, relationships are tough and sometimes you just want to throw in the towel or least throw the towel at your partner. This morning while reading John Weldon's book Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love I came across something he said that I found interesting and would like to pass it along. What he has to say kind of put things in perspective a bit for me because when I lose perspective I tend to drift towards the abyss of losing hope. Here is what Weldon had to say: "Intimate relationships can help free us from our conditioning by allowing us to see exactly how and where we are stuck. They continually bring us up against things in ourselves that we cannot stand. They stir up all our worst fears and neuroses--in living technicolor. When we live alone, we are often unaware of our habitual patterns because we live inside them. A relationship, on the other hand, heightens our awareness of all our rough edges. When someone we love reacts to our neurotic patterns they bounce back on us and we can no longer ignore them. As we see and feel the ways we are stuck, a desire to move in a new direction begins to stir in us"...Of course the hard part is getting past the temptation to see our relationship struggles in terms of our partners problems or to understand the potential sociological factors which also come into play which have nothing to do with the personal behavior of ourselves or our partners....Weldon goes on to say, "In my experience, the greatest obstacle to growth in a relationship is a couple's belief that it shouldn't be this hard. Yet the reason it often is hard is that we are set in our ways, and it takes great energy and dedication to break free of them. Love helps us to do so, by inspiring us to open our heart. The honeymoon phase in a relationship is a pure experience of open heart. It gives us a sense of what is possible, which we can draw on for inspiration when we bog down. Trying to maintain that state, however, only prevents us from moving forward". Weldon completes his thoughts on this matter by explaining that because our hearts are, at least initially, are open to our partners because we love them, it allows us to confront our greatest fears in a way that is often not possible when challenged or pointed out by others. The challenge we all equally face is getting past wanting to bypass or avoid our greatest fears and dark side because of the emotional pain that is a natural part of the struggle with our demons...but...if we can find the courage within to rise above avoiding emotional pain at all cost then there is hope to be found even if our partners are not able to join us in the most difficult aspect of the relationship dance...because...even if our relationships cannot be salvaged the individual healing to be experienced in such an endeavor is worth the time and effort.

Relationship Quips

2009-03-29T18:30:00.001-07:00

2009-03-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

In a soulful relationship, in contrast, the partners know that we are all individuals

As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself

But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface

Marriage is by nature miraculous and magical. We do not understand it and cannot know where it is headed.

Responding to the grace of relationships, it is important to appreciate, to give thanks, to honor, to celebrate, to tend, and to observe.

Soulful relationships may not necessarily be the healthy ones, the successful ones, or the peaceful ones.

Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain

The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage is a rational arrangement rather than an insane attempt to give life form and stability.

You can’t love deeply unless you are a deep person in the first place

In some instances love may ask near impossible patience

Love is an affair of the soul…it may disappear at exactly the wrong moment. It may come and go, and return again, for no apparent reason.

Often it is the people who love us most—parents, lovers, spouses, children—who most discourage the authentic life.

The soul enjoys the playful side of life because play elevates the otherwise heavy literalness of day to day existence to the realm of the imagination

Eros, pleasure, and deep desires

2009-03-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

2009-03-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Many of us grew up in a time, family, or subculture where we were taught to distrust our emotions, "certain pleasures", and desires in general. I don't mean to imply that this was "all bad" but as I have gotten older I do now believe a significant amount of the exhortations that were directed my way should have at least been qualified and balanced with the understanding that pleasure, desire, and eros play an important role in the life of the soul. I was thinking about this, this morning as I was reading my journal notes from Thomas Moore's books, Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. I sure wish I had read these books when I was young. So many people, imo, seem to have a dysfunctional relationship between their bodies, pleasure, and the deep seated desires that frequently come to the surface. But, it should come as no great surprise considering the mixed messages we receive from our schizophrenic society on a regular basis on the relationship between our life and pleasure, desire, and eros. I'll close with a series of quotes taken from Thomas Moore's books Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. Some of these quotes probably need to be qualified but I'll let them stand as they are because I think it might do us good to ponder what he has to say in it's raw form.

Stern moralistic warnings about not falling into the illusions of romantic love come from a place foreign to love. They are not messages from erotic life, but from a place that devalues eros...No matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the
soul as any other kind of love...Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play...To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions...and...something eternally valid comes to us in the sensation of sex and romance.

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. We live in a world that trusts logic, and from that commitment we distrust desire: but if we lived in a world that validated desire, we would know how to trust it. Desire often asks that we abandon logic and perhaps appear foolish to our friends. The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy just as much as the mind needs ideas and information and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions., it serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

We don't have to justify our pleasure in the illusions of love. Dalliance and flirtations don't have to lead to a long standing relationship or marriage in order to prove themselves. If we had this thought in mind perhaps we would be able to enjoy our passing fancies without worrying so much about their implications. The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies...

Eros moves and settles in the area of the heart. if we are confused by this strong rush of new spirit, it may be because we are not familiar with our own interior life. if we can't distinguish illusion from opportunity, then maybe we don't know our ow hearts well enough. An intense romance could provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves, but how much better, it would be if we were familiar with the way of our soul in the first place?

Say it Often

2009-03-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

2009-03-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ~Margaret Mead

The heart craves recognition and appreciation….and….we need to take the opportunity to praise and celebrate our partners, either expressing our feelings directly to them or to others…only a neurotically puritanical mind would deny the soul such graces.

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Is this the The Man of your dreams?

2009-03-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

2009-03-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Thinking about and working on relationships can get one down if one is not careful and not intentional about seeking some relief from one of the more important matters of the heart... so, in an effort to lighten things up around here I have put together a fictitious profile for one of those dating online services to hopefully add some humor for those of us who are trying to find our way out of the wilderness into the promise land. This is the musings of a single guy who obviously has too much time on his hands.

For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.

My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.

My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.

My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.

Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.

Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.

Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.

About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.

What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.

In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.

Healthy Relationships

2009-03-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

2009-03-07T07:14:00.000-08:00

What “does” a healthy relationship look like? For those haunted by dysfunctional relationships of the past one may not easily recognize what is a healthy or unhealthy.In this blog entry I want to explore what a healthy relationship might “potentially” look like. Of course, no relationship is perfect and one has to be careful expecting or idealizing our partners or interpersonal relationships butI do hope the following examples listed below will help identify and clarify the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Healthy: Seeks to negotiate and does not attempt to control their partners.

Unhealthy: Seeks to manipulate the relationship in an effort to influence one’s partner to give into them.

Healthy: Hopes and expects partner to “moderately” fulfill needs.

Unhealthy: Expects and puts pressure on partner to totally fulfill their needs.

Healthy: Wants partner who is a companion but respects their need to be an individual and be alone at times.

Unhealthy: Expects and might even demand their partner end their loneliness.

Healthy: Accepts you as fallible.

Unhealthy: Never wants you to betray or let them down.

Healthy: Committed to a bilateral style in processing and decision making.

Unhealthy: One person makes unilateral or secret decisions regarding relationship.

Healthy: Respects the others timing.

Unhealthy: Insists problems be fixed in accord with their timing.

Healthy: We hope we both grow from conflict.

Unhealthy: We want the other to learn a lesson.

Healthy: We let go of our attachments and demands in favor of a resolution
we can both live with.

Unhealthy: We demand on getting our way.

Healthy: We acknowledge and are aware of relationship complexities.

Unhealthy: We only see things in black and white.

Healthy: It is acceptable to agree to disagree.

Unhealthy: Ambiguity is not acceptable.

Healthy: We ask for space when we feel engulfed or crowded

Unhealthy: We leave or abandon our partners.

Healthy: We acknowledge our shadow self even if we don’t understand it completely.

Unhealthy: We see others shadows but not our own.

Healthy: The relationship is reciprocal.

Unhealthy: The relationship is one-sided and one partner is passive.

Healthy: We desire and hope for regular contact with our partner.

Unhealthy: One partner is “desperate” for contact.

Healthy: We feel secure most of the time.

Unhealthy: We are always in doubt.

Healthy: The relationship is egalitarian.

Unhealthy: The relationship is predominantly hierarchical with little flexibility.

Healthy: There is mutual agreeable dependence.

Unhealthy: One partner is a caretaker or rescuer.

Healthy: Both partners are willing to take risks and explore beyond what is familiar
and comfortable.

Unhealthy: Partners exclusively keep to that which is comfortable and familiar.

Healthy: We are able to feel compassion for our partner when they are less than mature.

Unhealthy: We look down at our partner when they act immature.

Healthy:We don’t give up on ourselves or our partners even though we may no longer
be able to stay with them.

Unhealthy: We give up easily on ourselves and our partners.

Living and Loving with Fear

2009-03-02T20:28:00.000-08:00

2009-03-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

We all fear abandonment and engulfment to one degree or another or at a particular time in our relationships. But, some live almost in constant fear of either abandonment or engulfment to the point where it threatens their ability to sustain a healthy relationship. So, how does one live with these conditions and how does one love a person who may bear such a burden? Let's start with the person who fears abandonment/neglect. People who fear abandonment and neglect need attention and acceptance but that doesn't mean around the clock attention and "unconditional" acceptance. In fact, unless the individual has suffered serious abandonment trauma in the past touching base here and there and normal day to day attention may be enough to satisfy their need. Since the abandonment partner probably hasn't experienced quality ongoing contact or intimacy it often doesn't take much to meet their need for closeness. Frequency, even in very short intervals, is probably more important than lengthy or sustained periods of contact. A short phone call or email when apart and brief interludes of contact when together will generally do the trick...but...it is critically important to remember that failure keep in some kind of contact, especially when apart, can potentially traumatize or create a sense of terror in someone who has been neglected or abandoned. I once knew a man whose wife and children went on a road trip with her parents for a month. They left without telling the man "exactly" where they were going to stay and didn't even call him until ten days out and never called again after the initial contact. The guy was absolutely traumatized. It is also important to remember that the partner who fears abandonment needs to work, explore and learn to live with their condition and fear of being alone. This is not a one way arrangement and both partners need to work together so that neither partner will have to bear full responsibility for the insecurities related to abandonment issues.

The fear of engulfment can be summed up as being afraid of allowing someone to get too close out of fear of losing oneself. This can be a serious problem because people who fear engulfment will do almost anything to relieve the fear, even if it means pushing away their partner who they love. So, how does one live or have a relationship with someone who fears engulfment? It is a natural tendency for most of us to pursue a loved one who leaves or strays, at least initially, but pursuit is generally the worst thing one can do with a partner who fears engulfment. Pursuit is a dead end because it will increase the fear and thus influence a partner to escalate their efforts to get away. They need space, so give it to them. Stand at a distance...be a witness. This is not about you so don't take their need for space and distance personally...also, don't try to fix, change, solve or rescue them. Give up the idea that we have any magical powers over them or their situation. We do not...And, most important, allow them to be scared...and...hopefully by appearing non-threatening one might disarm their beloved to open their heart for the healing they so desperately need. If you are the one who fears engulfment you too will need to work on befriending your fears without resorting to pushing your partner away.If need space ask for space but don't run or push your partner away...and...don't be afraid to share with your partner that you are afraid. We all are afraid and most partners will be willing to share the burdens that you feel. And, remember, our partners are our potential greatest resource for healing and we don't have to face our fears alone. Finally, people who fear abandonment and engulfment need our compassion and love...and...One can only imagine the level of emotional pain one must have experienced to get to the point where one fears the love of others. In conclusion, the only antidote to fear is love, so open yourself to love even if you have been deeply hurt in the past. It is the only way one can achieve the healing that is so desperately needed by so many of us.

Fear of Engulfment

2009-03-01T11:31:00.001-08:00

2009-03-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

If you are in a relationship with someone who regularly pushes you away, is aloof and emotionally unavailable much of the time, or is unable to make a commitment than you might be in a relationship with someone who fears what is called engulfment. Engulfment can be more difficult to detect because often the partner who fears engulfment has learned to cope by projecting an heir of self confidence and in our society this type of body language might be construed as strength. But, in reality, this type of individual feels as terrified as their fellow traveler who fears abandonment. Following is a list of characteristics often attributed to an individual who fears engulfment.

1. Frequently needs space and distance. Everyone needs space but the person who
fears engulfment may need a level and extended amount of distance that would
partners or draw attention make most partners feel insecure.

2. Feels smothered by partners attention.

3. Maintains secrets, a secret life, and doesn't like it when being asked questions.

4. Interprets giving and receiving as smothering and an obligation.

5. Insists on being in control of the relationship and is prone to making unilateral
decisions regarding the relationship.

6. Maintains rigid boundaries which makes it difficult for partner to achieve
greater level of intimacy.

7. Sometimes plays the role of the seducer and then withholds.

8. Feels embarrassed or angry by assurances from partner.

9. Feels threatened and annoyed by partners expression of emotions

10. May accept and use sex as a substitute for closeness.

11. Frequently comes and goes in the relationship without much sensitivity to
partner who may feel insecure of their comings and goings.

12. Comes across as aloof and even cold when they let their guard down.

13. Becomes anxious by extended togetherness which may show up on vacations. Also,
may prefer to take vacation with others who do not require intimacy.

14. Intellectualizes and replaces feelings with logic.

15. Seeks connections but not closeness or intimacy. Prefers network of friends who
do not require closeness.

Fear of Abandonment

2009-02-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

2009-02-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

The fear of abandonment/neglect and engulfment are two primary types of fear that both challenge and undermine a significant number of relationships. Following is a list of some of the causes and manifestations of abandonment to help identify why and how fear might be interfering with one's relationship. First I'll start with some of the causes and then follow with how fear of abandonment/neglect may manifest itself in a relationship. Some of this will be a repeat of what I have said elsewhere but I thought it would be helpful if I listed them all in one place.

1. Death of a parent

2. Physical abandonment or neglect. This might be caused by divorce,workaholism,
parental addictions, obsessions, or a host of other reasons.

3. Growing up in a foster home or moving from one family member to another.

4. Ongoing family dysfunction, chaos, and conflict.

5. Rejection from parents,siblings or peer groups.

6. Prolonged childhood injuries or illness.

7. Parents who are emotionally unavailable.

8. Being thrust into a caretaker role as a young adult.

So how might the fear of abandonment/neglect manifest itself in one's behavior in the context of a relationship? Here are a few possible examples.

1. Partner has a hard time giving space and the emotional pain is acute when a void
is created for any extended time which explains why partner may want to cling.

2. Partner pays too much attention, is overly accepting, and allows too much often
to their own detriment.

3. Willingly shares feelings and information in an attempt to create intimacy even
in early stages of a relationship. This can often either scare away potential
partners or draw attention to people who have similar fears.

4. Spends more time taking care of partners needs than their own which creates
an imbalance where partner may feel beholden and caretaker becomes resentful.

5. Defers to partner's timing and agenda because of fear of rejection.

6. Does not have clearly defined boundaries and thus tolerates abuse and
unhappiness in the relationship.

7. Becomes addicted to relationship and has a hard time leaving even if the
relationship is unsatisfactory. Fears loneliness and abandonment more than bad
relationship.

8. Hides anger but shows fear.

9. Rationalizes and excuses partners bad behavior and unhappy relationship.

10. Always walking on eggshells and is too willing to compromise.

When Fear Raises it's Ugly Head: Part II

2009-02-26T23:38:00.001-08:00

2009-02-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered to yourself why you and some of your friends put up with behavior from their partners that is harmful to your spirit, body, and emotional well being? While the human heart has it’s reasons, which are often a mystery to us, I do believe that fear is generally close by when we choose to look the other way. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone may influence one to tolerate behavior that is destructive and the greater the fear than generally the greater abuse one will attempt to rationalize away. In my previous blog entry I identified three ways fear may raise it’s ugly head. Here are a few more examples of how fear can potentially undermine the health of our relationships and the well being of those who tolerate it.

1.Do you have trouble asserting yourself? Do you have trouble telling your partner to not say or do certain things that hurt you or make you feel insecure?…and…do you tolerate this behavior by rationalizing that there may be something wrong with you?… or… that all relationships have their problems?...Do you have trouble asserting what you need or want in your relationship and rationalize not doing so by telling yourself that you are just being selfish? While it is understandable why the fear of being rejected or subjecting oneself to more abuse, may be an attractive alternative in the short term, the long term potential consequences can be lethal to the health of ourselves and our relationship. Desensitizing oneself to future, more serious abuse, creating resentment, low expectations, the lack of emotional intimacy, and even possible rage are all potential consequences of not asserting ourselves by deferring our legitimate needs and not speaking out against emotional abuse.

2.Do you need to always be in control or allow others to control you? While it is natural and healthy to control certain aspects of our space a strong desire or demand to control our partners or allow our partners to control us is a certain
recipe for disaster. The need to control others or be controlled by others is fueled by deep insecurities and fear. While being in control may at times give temporary relief from some of our insecurities it is always fleeting because the belief that we
can control our lives, let alone someone else, is an illusion and when a controller senses they are losing control they generally respond by escalating their efforts
as needed to regain control. The partner who allows themselves to be controlled may be able to rationalize that this arrangement is not so bad or bearable but one day it will dawn on them that this is not what they signed up for…and…when that day comes when they attempt to get back control of their life by standing up to the controller all hell “will” break loose and the controller will often resort to almost any measure to get back control. It’s a vicious and ugly cycle which will drain what love, charity and good will that still might be on life support.

3. Do you find yourself or your partner emotionally unavailable? Relationships can withstand and survive a wide array of challenges on numerous fronts but when one or both partners consider it too risky to allow for closeness, mutual vulnerability, and are constantly pushing each other away due to fear than generally it is only a matter of time until one or both partners will drift or look to someone else to fill the void that can only be met by allowing ourselves to be available emotionally.

When Fear Raises It's Ugly Head: Part I

2009-02-25T22:45:00.001-08:00

2009-02-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

In my first entry on fear I said that fear looms at the center of many of our relationship challenges and problems. This post will explore "how" fear raises it's ugly head in our relationships. But, before I site some of the many ways fear manifests itself in our relationships I would first like to make some important qualifications lest anyone conclude that I am suggesting that fear is the only "horseman of the relationship Apocalypse." First, fear is always present to one degree or another in our lives and relationships so we need to approach this a bit of realism. Second, fear is a legitimate emotion that can and does serve a potential positive purpose when we are faced with "real" danger. And, even when our fears are more the product of our imagination we can still benefit from them when and if we take the time to listen to what our fear might be trying to tell us. Finally, if we can learn to live "through" our fears and not attempt to avoid fear at all cost by relying on surrogate temporary relief than fear can be a critically important teacher to our sense of well being. Now onto some of the ways fear can raise it's ugly head.

1. Ignoring red flags...We all have issues and no one is perfect but when our partners are exhibiting behavior that is destructive to them, us, or the family than we need to address the red flag and when we don't it is generally because of fear. Fear of rejection, retribution, being yelled at, dismissed, etc. are all possible reasons why we may turn a blind eye to abuse, destructive addictions, mismanagement of finances, etc.

2. Failure to make commitments...We sometimes assume that since we have made our marriage vows and as long as we are "faithful" in our marriages/ relationships than we have fulfilled our commitments. Commitment is something we need to do daily and keep up to date, so to speak. Also, commitments ought to cover the various aspects of our relationships. Some of us may be faithful to keep our commitment to be monogamous but we lack the commitment to be intimate emotionally due to fear of getting too close to our partners, perhaps out of a fear of rejection...or...we may not be committed to work "through" and seek out solutions to conflicts that arise in all relationships...but... failure to meet these ongoing commitments can be as destructive as failing to be faithful partners.

3. Extreme Separation anxiety: If we are clinging onto our partners too tight, too often we will probably drive them away...and...if they feel engulfed by our actions they may pull up the draw bridge, go back into the castle, and leave us standing outside the castle walls alone...which will trigger our worst fears which will drive us to become even more clingly...and...the cycle begins again with each new episode a little bit more intense than the time before. The inability to be alone, at times, generally reflects a fear of being alone.

I think I'll stop for now. I have a lot of other fears to address but I'll wait for another day.

The Dance of Fear

2009-02-23T22:54:00.000-08:00

2009-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

It is not uncommon to find someone who fears engulfment matched with someone who fears abandonment. This can be a lethal combination unless both partners are able to work “through” and learn to “hold” their fears and understand “how” it causes a significant amount of insecurity and lack of intimacy in their relationships. The two partners dance back and forth, sometimes for years, and more often than not, they trip, step on each others feet and are constantly questioning why dancing isn’t as fun as it used to be. Bryn Collin in her book Emotionally Unavailable describes the dance routine of the person who fears engulfment this way… The emotionally unavailable person has come to believe that letting someone get too close is risky and when someone gets too close, alarm bells off and they back away. But that is not the end of it because when the unavailable partner gets too distant that turns out to be just as scary, and this causes them to seek to initiate a connection until they back off again and thus the cycle is repeated…but, at some point along the way the more available partner stops being able to trust or predict the relationship and instead lives in constant questioning mode and insecurity. This pattern of approach, pull back, keep partner at arm’s length, not too close and not to far keeps the relationship in neutral and unable to grow.

David Richo has his own description of the dance routine of those who fear abandonment and engulfment and he describes it this way…
The fear of abandonment is present when one is afraid their partner will leave and so she clings; he fears she is getting too close and so he flees. This keeps them in an endless dance in which one chases and the other runs. One partner is needy and desperate and the other is aloof and harried. A neurotic fit has occurred, and the partners may continue this pattern for years. One partner is so afraid of being alone that they may line up a back-up partner, and when that new partner seems to offer all that could they could possibly want, they may leave the original partner for them…..Both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment are phantom fears, like phantom pain. Abandonment and engulfment already happened in the powerless past of childhood and cannot really happen to adults. An adult cannot be abandoned, only left, not engulfed, only crowded.

If this dance sounds familiar to you you are not alone.We have all danced this dance before but some of us have never gotten past this particular routine but once we become familiar with the dance routine hopefully we can change the dance before it's too late and we have to find a new dance partner.

When Fear Meets Love

2009-02-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

2009-02-23T18:27:00.001-08:00

The fear of intimacy is quite often related to the fear of abandonment or engulfment. While both the fear of abandonment and engulfment may have their origin in childhood there are some who have experienced this kind of fear primarily in their adult relationships. When experienced in childhood one is not equipped to deal with this kind of fear and if one does not have adult support, which is most often the case, then one is left to defend and cope any way one can. This often means establishing coping strategies that may often work in the short term but have potentially negative side effects in the long run. These coping strategies are often carried over to our adult relationships and that is where they can wreak havoc on our relationships. Because this kind of fear is so common in our lives and our personal relationships I am going to devote a series of posts that explore this issue in depth. To me this is simply not a theoretical issue. I have seen this effect all my relationships to one degree or another and consider it to be one of the greatest challenges impacting many of our relationships. To get the ball rolling I’ll start with a couple of quotes from David Richo’s excellent book “When Fear Meets Love”

The fear of giving and receiving may be the fear of engulfment. The fear of comings and goings may be the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of someone getting too close, and the fear of abandonment is the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. A healthy person is one who can relate to someone without being overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment if the other goes away and without being overwhelmed by the fear of engulfment if the other draws too near. The fear of abandonment and engulfment represent our deepest doubts about our own worthiness to be loved. Others cannot love me permanently and loyally. They will leave me once they really know me or tire of me. This is the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment also has to do with self-diminishment: I have so little within me that if I let someone really touch me at a soulful level, I will lose something of myself.

Abandonment is terrifying also because we feel so powerful at the moment it occurs. This combination of fear and powerlessness is what made an original abandonment experience from childhood leave so indelible mark on us. We feel panic when the other withdraws, so we pursue more intensely, and this makes a partner panic and push us away even more. Our way of taking care of ourselves is precisely what makes us the more abandoned! It is a self-defeat in the guise of self-protection.

Dancing amongst the Shadows

2009-02-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

2009-02-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

The wall we build to keep love out will also keep fear in. Most of us have early and recent histories of danger and abandonment associated with our giving and receiving of love. We may have erected walls to keep ourselves safe, walls that also keep us from being loved. The fear of being loved can be rationalized as the fear of rejection or engulfment. Actually, very profound and unhealed wounds in our psyches luck behind our fears of closeness. Acceptance and love from someone toward us involve an engaged focus on us that may be terrifying. Without a history of safety in being loved, we many never have learned how to receive such affection-bearing attention…We fear love when we run from commitment, refuse to state that we want to be loved, refuse to hear it said to us, refuse to receive it. David Richo

It is very difficult to admit to oneself or others that we fear love, commitment, or deeper intimacy with others...but...if one has been wounded, and we all have to various degrees than it stands to reason that we have or continue to put up walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. While it may be understandable and I suppose needed in some cases to put walls between ourselves and others to protect us from further hurt, to "continue" to do so with our partners on a regular basis seems counterproductive in the long run. I think it is also important to explore and consider that the level of fear that triggers us to build walls between us and our loved ones may be, in part, the projection of past wounds. This is important to consider because if we want to mindful about the present we need to be mindful about "how" the past may be effecting the present. On a personal note...Abandonment, neglect, and rejection and the fear associated with these ghosts haunt my past and thus effect my present. These ghosts have wreaked havoc for years on my ability to feel comfortable accepting love from others, asking what I need or want in a relationship, avoiding conflict,almost at all cost, appeasing and deferring to others, putting up with emotional abuse, and a host of other problems which are too many to name. The nature of all relationships is a dance but if one or both partners are afraid to dance than maybe it is time to both explore the source of the fear and search for ways to nurture ourselves when the ghosts of our past come to haunt us in the present.

The Shadow of Fear

2009-02-21T15:15:00.001-08:00

2009-02-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

Fear convinces us not to risk, that is, not to act bravely and creatively. Fear is the only obstacle to love. David Richo

In a couple of previous posts I mentioned some actions and things that undermine relationships, things like, working too much, criticizing your partner in public, indifference, being emotionally unavailable, etc. As I have reflected on my own relationships and listened to others talk about their own relationship failures, disappointments, or ongoing struggles the shadow of fear seems to loom near or at the center of many of our relationship struggles. Fear to be vulnerable, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of speaking up for ourselves, fear of leaving, fear of staying, these and other types of fear seem to be more often than not, one, if not the primary underlying cause of most our relationship problems. During my adult life I have been married once and have had three other serious relationships and as I have pondered the melt down of my marriage and why my other relationships have not reached the level of commitment or intimacy I had hoped for, fear, seems to be a repeating theme in every case which is why I want to explore this topic in greater depth in the days and weeks to come.

Care of the Soul

2009-02-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

2009-02-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like you are banging your head up against the wall regarding your relationships? You've tried everything, counseling, reading books, endless conversations with your partner, and lots and lots of prayer. In our culture today we have come to expect that if we do this or that things will work out and get better but at times life's experiences seem to contradict this axiom. So, what are we to do, give up, leave the relationship, bury ourselves in work, or call time out?...It is not my place to tell anyone whether to go or stay but when I have run out of energy and options and no cure is in sight I have learned that is probably the time to take a deep breath and turn my attention towards caring for my soul. On the surface it may be difficult to see the relationship between caring and nurturing ourselves and fulfilling our responsibility to love our partners/mates but I am of the opinion that these two goals are not mutually exclusive...because...sometimes, void and space are necessary for individual transformation and when we feel nurtured and at peace with ourselves we can't help but be a better partner, lover, friend, and soulmate....I'll conclude with a couple of quotes from Thomas Moore's book called "Care of the Soul"

The vessel in which soulmaking takes place is an inner container scooped out by reflection and wonder. There is no doubt that some people could spare themselves the expense and trouble of psychotherapy simply by giving themselves a few minutes each day for quiet reflections….Akin to pausing, and just as important in care of the soul, is taking time. Taking time with things, we get to know then more intimately and to feel more genuinely connected to them.

Care of the soul requires craft—skill—attention and art. To live with a high degree of artfulness means to attend to the small things that keep the soul engaged in whatever we are doing, and it is the very heart of soul making…but…to the soul, the most minute details and the most ordinary activities, carried out with mindfulness and art, have an effect far beyond their apparent insignificance…Living artfully, therefore, might require something as simple as pausing. Some people are incapable of being arrested by things because they are always on the move. A common symptom of modern life is that there is no time for thought, or even for letting impressions of a day sink in…

The Face of Love

2009-02-18T23:49:00.001-08:00

2009-02-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

Sam Keen writes:

We are ultimately at home in the world not through dominating or explaining or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for. Care moves love from feeling into action, from self to other, from getting to giving. When we care, we take responsibility for and seek the well-being and fulfillment of another person. Caring liberates us from modern individualism, where I do my thing and you do your thing, and it carries us beyond the sweet spontaneity and intoxication of the romantic adrenaline-endorphin cocktail into the realm of consideration and thoughtfulness….but…for many, care is considered a drag, an ordeal to be avoided if possible. There is no hint that it may be “more blessed to give than to receive,” that much of the meaning of our lives is created by tending, nurturing, and taking responsibility for the well-being of others.

Love has many faces and caring and being cared for are an important part of the landscape of love. Unfortunately, as the Keen suggests, taking care of another, particularly if they can take themself is often considered a drag for many...but...I can't help wondering how much deeper our love might grow if we "mutually" spent more time and effort putting lotion and rubbing our partners feet, helped with the dishes, ran an errand for our loved one, or did something without being asked.

Dark Nights and our Relationships

2009-02-17T22:57:00.000-08:00

2009-02-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

During the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day a lot of people focus on the joys and pleasures of love and romance which is in my opinion a thing. Despite the ups and downs of relationships and the intense pain we may experience at times in our relationships I do still believe relationships provide the best fertile ground for personal growth, healing and a deep and mature experience and understanding of the meaning of love...but... Today I was reminded of the "dark side" of relationships. Relationships do hurt us and at times the pain is so deep it remains with us for years if not a lifetime. We tend to associate a "dark night of the soul" with the individual but the source of many of our dark nights more often than not originates from our relationships with others. Following are some quotes to remind us all of something we already know but prefer to repress most of the time regarding our relationships.

Frequently love doesn’t work out or it gets stale…love is bittersweet…People often talk about love’s sweetness and keep its bitterness private…Love is a kind of madness. It seals you in a bubble of fantasy where emotions are intense and you most often feel unbalanced.

Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain. It can mature you like few other experiences can, but the process in neither nor entirely pleasurable.

In some instances love may ask near impossible patience. You may have to wait for circumstances to change, for the loved one to wake up to the possibility of real love.

Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.

But lest we fall into despair let us not forget,

"To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…

The Heart of Sex

2009-02-16T22:43:00.001-08:00

2009-02-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

At the very heart of sex lies a profound affirmation of life, giving us reason for living, optimism, and energy. At every step, this process can be wounded, and weakened by a fear of vitality and a failure to trust in life, in others and in oneself. Everywhere we are told to set limits on eros, to be careful that we are not lost in its passion. But if we listen to these worried cautions, we may end up with only a modicum of self-possession purchased at the cost of life’s passion. Eros may go underground as seething, dark desire, and the surface of life may turn mechanical and controlled, cheerless and humorless....Thomas Moore, The Soul of Sex

From time to time I intend to touch on the subject of sex. Sex is a difficult subject for many people to talk about but I do hope to discuss the subject in a way that hopefully will shed some light on a very important aspect of our being and the human experience. I grew up in an era when nobody talked about sex openly except in passing and generally in some kind of negative context...so...many of us were left to learn what we could on our own and confusion was par for the course as we tried to reconcile our limited experiences with the often brief but negative messages from most adults who pontificated about the subject from time to time. I am fortunate I didn't experience any negative experiences that one often associates with sexual abuse. I was confused though about sex much of the time until I decided to abandon and ignore much of what I had heard about sex and explore the subject for myself. In future posts I don't intend to offer any advise on the subject... but... I do hope to stir the imagination and tease the reader to explore and meditate about sex in a way that hopefully opens some doors which further might lead to greater fulfillment not just physically but spiritually, as well, because sex is more than just a physical act between two consenting adults.

Today's Contemplation

2009-02-15T10:25:00.001-08:00

2009-02-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Now that Valentine's Day is come and gone I find myself pondering and reflecting again on my own journey and the connection with my relationships. Valentine's Day is a great reminder of the joy and happiness that is associated with love and romance and it is critically important that we never lose sight of the potential healing and growth that can be experienced in the fertile soil of our relationships with others. But, we also know by experience that joy, happiness, healing and growth are also achieved by way of struggle, conflict, and hardship. This morning during my reading I was reminded by David Richo that the process of transformation has it's own timetable which cannot and shouldn't be circumvented by our own desire and compulsion to get past the emotional pain often associated with our own issues and it's effect on our relationships. The following quote is not directed towards relationships but the implications are there nonetheless. This particular quote was taken from Richo's book, When the Past is Present.

The work of addressing, processing, resolving, and integrating our issues at hand cannot be rushed to the scene of our wounding so that we can “get over it” quickly. Some events teach us so much when we allow them to work themselves out in their own time and way. Some experiences have to be lived with for while before they can resolve themselves. Time is required between problem and solution, question and answer, issue and resolution. We grow from resting in ambiguity of that between space. We gain an opportunity to feel our feelings all the way…In the meantime, we may find our ego becoming destabilized, but that can be a path to a firmer sense of our adult powers. We can become stronger for the next time something challenges us in a similar way…The between-pause can expand us, balance us, deepen us. Those three benefits are more valuable than the remedy we locate when we address immediately, process too swiftly, resolve too suddenly, and attempt to integrate prematurely. The compulsion to clear things up too quickly does not honor the timing all things take and may lose us the gift that time can give. As we mature in spiritual consciously, we act more like farmers tending their crops than like generals ordering their troops…Timing is an essential ingredient of transformation and as we honor the timing of events and people, even our questions soften and change. We no longer ask, “What has this person done to me? but “What can this be for me?” We do not ask, “Why did this happen to me?” but “How has or can this help me grow?” In fact, every “Why?” becomes “Yes, now what?

A Poem for Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T23:38:00.001-08:00

2009-02-13T23:29:00.001-08:00

I ran across this poem months ago. I really liked it because it reflects the heart, soul,and spirit of Valentines Day. If you have a lover than please feel free to pass it along and if you don't than hold it dear to your heart until a lover comes along...Happy Valentine's Day.

If you could see inside my soul
see inside my heart
you would know how I long for you
whenever we're apart

If you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know how I cherish you
how much you mean to me

In all the ways you comfort me
the way you hold me near
the way you know just what to do
to chase away my fear

The sparkle in your beautiful eyes
your smile, laugh, your touch
are just a few of many reasons
I love you oh so much

Knowing I can talk to you
about any and everything
and knowing together we will get
through whatever life may bring

I could search the whole world over
and this I know is true
I would never find another love
like the love I found with you

Though with each new day, each sunrise
we can't know what's in store
there is one thing I know for sure
each day I love you more

So if you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know I blessed I feel
to have you here with me.

Valentine Day Musings, Ponderings, and Ramblings

2009-02-13T23:24:00.000-08:00

2009-02-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

1. Does Valentine’s Day ever live up to anyone’s expectations?...I personally haven't experienced anything particularly bad on Valentine's Day but I also don’t remember any knock your socks off happenings either. I think I am due for a rock em sock em light and laser show.

2. Valentine Day cards were originally handwritten and gained popularity during the
Revolutionary War. I wonder why it took a war to get us all aboard the love boat once and for all.

3. American’s are expected to spend an average of 103 dollars on Valentine gifts this year and 14.7 billion nationwide. I don’t ever remember spending that much on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm, maybe that is why I am still single.

4. Men buy about 75 percent of the flower’s each year which means women buy the other 25 percent. I don’t ever remember getting any flowers, ever. What’s up with that?

5. During the Victorian Era several countries banned Valentine Day’s cards and the
city of Chicago rejected 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were indecent. But, in the end even the prudish Victorians couldn’t trump the power of love.

6. The Hallmark card company currently has over 1300 different Valentine’s Day
cards. No wonder it is so difficult to pick just the right card.

7. It is estimated that over 50 percent of men do not make any “specific” plans for
Valentine’s Day. Shame on those men who are not pulling their weight. It makes the rest us who are busting our butts to make our women happy look bad.

8. According to one website teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. I don’t believe this statistic to be true. I am a high school teacher and I haven’t received a single Valentine Day’s card for years…and…I am single, good looking, charming, and super intelligent. Well, maybe two out of four. I’ll let you try and guess which two.

9. This year it is estimated that 14 couples are going to tie the knot on the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Just be careful and don’t forget what happened to King Kong and his sweetheart when they decided to rendezvous on the top of the Empire State building. And, if you do hear the sound of airplanes during the ceremony don’t stand up and beat your chest…duck…

10. During the Middle Ages single women would eat unusual foods on Valentine’s
Day to have a dream about their future husband. Now, they subscribe to
E-Harmony because they don’t want to leave anything to chance.

Fabulous Valentine Favorite Films

2009-02-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

2009-02-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Due to the recent economic meltdown I suspect more people are going to stay in this year so I have put together a list of movies for this special occasion. Since most people have seen the usual suspects like Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, Whose Got Mail, Pretty Woman, etc. I have decided to put together a list of films that might fly under most people’s radar because they aren’t as well known as some of the heavy hitters or they are just fun films which blend well with the spirit of the holiday. If you are going to watch a film with your loved one this year you might want to check out one of these films if you are looking for something a bit out of the mainstream.

1.At the top of my list is a film called The Truth About Cats and Dogs. This film is a romantic comedy which stars Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I confess I am obsessed with Garofalo therefore I forfeit any claim to objectivity but this is a quirky, offbeat film that is funny and appealing to those of us who like to root for the underdog.

2.The Disney classic Beauty and the Beast is my all-time favorite Disney movie. I just love everything about this film, the story, the colors, the music, and the underlying message that love is transformational and conquers all in the end.

3.Phenomenon staring John Travolta might, at first glance, not seem like a likely candidate for Valentine’s Day but this film is a powerful film which touches me on a deep level and the love that is shared between Travolta and his girlfriend always brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.

4.When a Man Loves a Woman starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan is a realistic portrayal about the ups and downs of married life and the sacrificial love exhibited by Garcia’s character is a reminder to us all of a deep love that is as important as romantic love.

5.Jerry McGuire starring the trio of Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was a popular comedy with heart. Cuba Gooding was a riot, Cruise was, well Cruise, and Zellweger was convincing enough to tug on my heart strings…and…I loved the ending. Maybe love can last forever.

6.Shadowlands which stars Debra Winger and Anthony Hopkins is a true “unexpected” love story between C.S. Lewis, the famous British writer, and an American woman named Joy Davidson. The deep love that develops and grows over time between these two lovers reminds us that love can develop anytime, any place, and is not limited to our conventional wisdom regarding what a good match might look like.

7.If you are not in a serious, particularly romantic mood, than you might want to check out A Knights Tale. This is just a fun film which grabbed me at the beginning with Queen’s We Will Rock You. It’s a love story at heart but it’s a fun wild ride along the way and one of my favorite Heath Ledger movies.

8.Wall-E is the latest and maybe greatest Pixar movie to date. While we generally associate Pixar films with Saturday afternoon kiddie shows this film is in it’s essence a love story that any adult with a open heart will benefit from seeing.

9.If you up for a romantic musical journey than check out Across the Universe. Set to the music of the Beatles this love story was well worth the ten bucks I paid to see it during prime time. While I don’t remember too much about the overall storyline I do remember it made an impression on me and I intend to see it again soon.

10.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the only film I have yet to see and I am including it on this list because “my sources on the street” recommended this film highly. It stars Jim Carey and Kate Winslet if one is looking for something really different from one of Hollywood’s most unique real life comic book characters than you might want to give this film a look. I intend to do so soon.

Actions that Undermine our Relationships

2009-02-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

2009-02-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Maintaining an ongoing relationship with almost anyone over a long period of time is a one of the biggest challenges in life especially at this time in history when our culture on so many different levels does not offer the kind of supportive structure that is conducive for healthy individual and family relationships to flourish. Sure, our bookstores are filled with books on relationships and if you have insurance one can always go into marriage or family counseling but in my opinion these are the last line of defense. By the time most people resort to resorting to such actions there generally has been a significant amount of damage already done. Relationships are complex and I don’t want to suggest that there are any easy answers but there are some things that we can all “try” to practice on a regular basis. I call these activities damage control. These activities will not save anyone’s marriage nor do they touch the heart and soul of our interpersonal relationships…but… but if practiced on a regular basis here and there perhaps they might just help us from wounding each other to the point where the emotional pain prevents us from being able to reflect and process our situations clearly. So, here is a list of actions that I believe undermine our interpersonal relationships and should be avoided at all costs.

1.Criticize your partner in public

2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.

3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.

4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.

5.Unrealistic expectations.

6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.

7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.

8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.

9.Trying to change your partner.

10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship

11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.

12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.

13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.

14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.

15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.

Things that undermine our relationships

2009-02-09T22:49:00.000-08:00

2009-02-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

In the previous blog entry I raised the possibility that there may be other forces at work which prevent us from providing the attention our relationships may need and deserve. In this blog post I am going to briefly take a look at just one of the factors that frequently and potentially may undermine our relationships. I use the word potentially because the individual nature of relationships doesn’t warrant a one shoe fits all approach to what makes a relationship work. I have seen and heard about relationships that would never work for me but apparently do for some. Heck, I have even heard about relationships working for people who live apart much of the year on opposite sides of the country. I’ll begin with one of the factors that is quite common and often goes under the radar when people are exploring why their own relationships are no longer providing the emotional and physical satisfaction they may have once experienced.

Workaholism---Because working hard and long hours is considered socially acceptable in this country, for the most part, this behavior doesn’t get the attention it needs in my opinion. I am not talking about working late from time to time but working long hours on a consistent basis or working so hard that you have no energy when you get home. If you question whether you fit into this category check the list at the bottom which contains some of the classic characteristics of a workaholic. Relationships require ongoing attention and if one or both partners become ships passing in the night or work so hard they have nothing to give at the end of the day, and emotional and physical needs go unmet, then it is generally only a matter of time until one or both of the partners may begin to drift, complain and nag each other.

Characteristics of workaholics

You talk about work all the time even when you are home.

You consistently choose work over family

You forget about non-work appointments and household tasks

You get anxious when you’re not working

You firmly believe that you can’t get it done right unless you do it yourself

You hide how much work you do

You take a lot of work home and do a lot of work at home even though you already spend more than eight hours a day at work

You choose to work on the week-ends frequently even though you are not required to.

You can’t shut your brain off from thinking about work and regularly can’t get to sleep at night.

You not only do not take time for your partner or family but you don’t take time to take care of yourself

You feel uneasy while on vacation and can’t wait to get back to work?

You communicate better with coworkers than with family and friends?

You associate success with hard work.

Your identity is primarily associated with your work and not with your marriage or family.

You frequently tell others how hard you work

Your emotional needs are almost exclusively met through your work and not your marriage/relationship and family.

What does our heart desire?

2009-02-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

2009-02-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

David Richo writes,

Behind every complaint in a relationship is a wish and heart desire for attention, allowance, acceptance, affirmation, or affection.
Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes. We need these to develop self esteem and a healthy ego.

Richo refers to these needs as the "five A's" in his book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" which is a book I recommend for a further exploration of how each of the five A's may manifest themselves in a relationships. Of course, simply identifying what may need to be done to improve our relationships is only one aspect of the relationship dance. If we aren't able or willing to do what we clearly know needs to be done than we may need to further explore why and what obstacles may be preventing us from providing our partners with the attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection they need and deserve.

A few more ponderings on love

2009-02-08T09:10:00.001-08:00

2009-02-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

Here are a few more ponderings about love. These quotes are not intended to represent a definitive definition of what love is or isn't but rather to encourage us all to reflect on how we all give and receive love and please feel free to submit your own thoughts on the subject.

Love is being in a relationship based on equality and partnership. It’s not maintaining a subservient hierarchy.

Love is not controlling others.

Love is not constantly trying to rescue or fix others.

Love is not settling for too little in a relationship in an effort to protect one’s emotional security.

Love is not being a doormat to others.

Love is a game that two can play and both win.

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.

Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Love is like a campfire: It may be sparked quickly, and at first the kindling throws out a lot of heat, but it burns out quickly. For long lasting, steady warmth (with delightful bursts of intense heat from time to time), you must carefully tend the fire.

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.

Love is being stupid together

True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.

The Meaning of Love?

2009-02-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

2009-02-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

I don’t pretend to know the exact nature or meaning of love any better than the guy next door, after all, I am finite and love seems to infinite. In my readings over the past couple of years here are some of the more interesting comments I have stumbled across regarding the meaning and nature of love.

Love is not allowing or accepting others to define you.

Love is not beating or abusing oneself or others through actions or words.

Love is not “always” deferring one’s individual needs to others.

Love is not seeking the love or acceptance of others through neglecting oneself.

Love is not giving one’s heart to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable.

Love is cutting ties or surrendering to the death of a relationship that are not good for us.

Love is not staying in a relationship if the other person cannot or will not reciprocate or initiate love.

Love is not staying in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with us.

Love is telling others what you need or want in a relationship.

Love is not when you fall in love immediately with a new acquaintance.

Love is assigning boundaries to protect oneself.

Love is not being in one-sided relationships.

2009-02-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

2009-02-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

Sam Keen writes: "Over the course of time a true love story will undergo constant revision in mood and mode. Because every enduring relationship is destined to confront the inevitable joys and sufferings of the human condition, the narrative of love can never end with a superficial “and they lived happily ever after.”…rather…It must be cast in all the classical forms in which stories are told---romance, tragedy, irony, and comedy. It will be a Technicolor take that includes longing, struggle, frustration, ecstasy, pleasure, pain, betrayal, fidelity, alienation, reconciliation, loneliness, communion, folly, wisdom, and every human emotion. So long as we remain in communion, we will always be in the process of co-authoring a never-ending story."

These comments by Keen pretty much speak for themselves. Of course, the real challenge is when the ongoing struggles, frustrations, pain, alienation and unfulfilled expectations, hopes and dreams of the marriage become seemingly never ending and the bliss, romance and ecstacy come to a screaching halt. What do we do then, try harder, go to counseling, resign ourselves to the possibility that things may never get better, or give up, try to cut one's losses an simply walk away. If one has been married for a long time one may experience doing all these things at one time or another. On this particular day I have no answers, no words of hope, only the memory that effort, prayer, and time are sometimes not enough. We live in an imperfect world, we are imperfect people and thus our relationships are imperfect. But the paradox is that love never dies even when our relationships fail. It just comes back at another time when we often least expect it.

I'll close with some more thoughts by Sam Keen, "A Love story is likely to be more a saga of an ongoing wrestling match than a description of a perfectly graceful dance---the harmonics of love emerge from clash—come together—move apart—clash---come together—move apart—clash—come together—move apart infinitum. In the background of love one can detect the clanging of armor"

The Power of Imagination

2009-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

2009-02-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

Thomas Moore writes, "Continuous exposure to the arts is one of the best ways to prepare ourselves for relationship, much better than relying entirely on the psychological approach to life…Through immersion in the arts, our reflection on life becomes larger, so that when we are confronted with the challenges of relationship we will have a rich imagination to bring to them and the ability to think poetically."

This is one of the more interesting and potentially profound statements I have come across in my years of reading about relationships and I believe there is a lot of wisdom in what Moore has to say here. Over the years I have read my fair share of relationship books and attended a significant number of marriage counseling sessions which more often than not, mixed results. As I have gotten older I gradually find myself relying more on my intuition and my imagination particularly when it comes to problem solving and other issues in my interpersonal relationships. While I can't claim perfection in my dealing with others I have discovered that creative solutions or proposals often help to diffuse gridlock and open up conversation in a way that is often absent when one is hunkered down in lock down principles and absolutist positions.

Many Facets of Love

2009-02-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

2009-02-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

Sam Keen writes: "Different types of people express love in different ways. The native tongue of love may be: sharing ideas, fixing the washer, sending roses, listening, touching, or providing money for college. There are long- distance and short-distance lovers, those who thrive on solitude and occasional closeness and those who love best when they are engulfed in wall-to-wall intimacy. There are celibate lovers and those who are outrageously carnal, passionate intellectuals and great sensualists. Persons who approach the world primarily through thinking and analysis will express love in a different way from those for whom sensing and feeling are prime. Introverts and extroverts, receptive and aggressive individuals, will naturally specialize in different elements of love. How much duller the diamond would be without its many facets."

I wish I had known this about twenty years ago. So many of us are socialized and experience love in fairly narrow terms growing up and when our partners or mates don't live up to our particular expectation of what love should look like, as we have come to understand it, than we are often prone to feeling hurt and rejected. Love is bigger than any individual imagination and as we grow in our understanding of how love can potentially be expressed is so many ways than our gratitude will expand towards God, ourselves, and our partners.

Time Alone

2009-02-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

2009-02-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude…Thomas Moore

Some partners feel threatened whenever their partner either explicitly or implicitly seeks space or time away. While too much time apart can potentially be a stumbling block to intimacy and the overall health of the relationship, time apart need not be interpreted as a threat to the relationship but rather an opportunity for our relationship and the needs of our soul to expand itself beyond our individual limitations. I am not suggesting we seek solace in the arms of another but am suggesting that we may find nurturing powers within ourselves which sometimes can only be discovered during times of individual solitude. While our partners are a potential wellspring where our souls drink on a regular basis no partner can adequately meet all our deepest needs and therefore we should never place on our partners the burden of meeting all our needs.

Accept our limitations

2009-02-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

2009-02-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

How much should I sacrifice of my time, priorities, my interests, my energy, my money to care for others? When does self-sacrifice become a form of self-negation....If I neglect the cultivation of my gifts, the nurturing of my deepest needs and the enjoyment of those pleasures that tickle my peculiar fancy...it is unlikely that my caring for others will spring from the bounty of my being. Whenever we abandon our personal sense of vocation...we....place enormous burden on others to justify the sacrifice we have made "for their sake". The only rule of thumb I know is: Avoid either/or, embrace both/and...Develop those modes of caring that allow you to love both self and others...The quantity of human need is finite, but our ability to offer care is finite. Each of us has limited resources, time, energy, and attention to give to others....Sam Keen

If we forget or cannot accept that we and our partners are limited in terms of how much time, attention, and care we can provide for each other than we may project guilt,shame, and unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and our partners...and...no one can fill the void that we all have from time to time or to one degree or another which is why we all need to learn to nurture our own soul and be careful to not demand that our partners be something they were never created to be. And, let us always show gratitude when our partners do enrich our souls with their love and reciprocate it as often as possible.

Do we care enough?

2009-01-31T11:37:00.000-08:00

2009-01-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

If we believe that the deepest satisfaction possible in life comes from loving and being loved, we need to redeem the notion of care and understand its relationship to the other elements of love. Love without care is reduced to a trivial sentiment or a momentary lust. Sam Keen

All showing care requires is a little bit of time, effort, and imagination which can be a challenge in our busy schedules but the potential rewards are huge if it results in our partners feeling loved.

Where am "I" going?

2009-01-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

2009-01-29T18:46:00.000-08:00

My conversation with Julie in my previous post reminded me of a couple of quotes by Sam Keen from his books "Fire in the Belly" and "To love and be Loved"

There are two questions we must ask ourselves. The first is, where am I going and the second is who will go with me. If we ever get these questions in the wrong order then we are in trouble...and...How do I choose my rightful partner before I ask how do I become a loving person the result will be disaster because I will fail to focus my attention on acquiring and developing the skills necessary for becoming a loving human being. First cultivate a life filled with compassion and passion will be added to it. Search only for great passion and you will finally despair of life.

First Things

2009-01-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

2009-01-28T20:45:00.000-08:00

It's been over four months since I posted anything here on this blog but I feel inspired to start posting here again on a more regular basis. Most of my previous posts on this particular blog have been quotes from some of my favorite authors who write about relationships. This time I am going to post more of my thoughts, feelings, and musings about relationships. I have been pondering lately about my relationship experiences and I hope to share some of my thoughts here for anyone's consideration who might happens to wander into this space.

Here is my first thought. Many people are looking for love or a mate but if we lose sight of first being a good partner than we are putting the cart before the horse aren't we? If one can master what is means to be a good partner and how to love others than finding a partner or a mate will take care of itself.

Final Ponderings on Relationships

2008-08-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

2008-08-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

Someone had this to say about love,

To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…

I have suspected all along that love is a deep need of the soul which helps explain why despite all our failures to love and the emotional pain associated with love we still continue to seek it out with the fervor of the Knights of the Roundtable in search of the Holy Grail. I just wish the feeling of love wasn't so fleeting. This is the last entry of relationship ponderings. Here are some more thoughts to ponder.

In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude….

Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.

In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…

The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.

What begins full of hope and promise turns into serious questioning and emotional ambivalence. While a lover may interpret these ups and downs as a personal problem in making a commitment, it might be more accurate to understand that love itself is inconsistent and has a kind of inherent hysteria.

When deep attachment is set in place in a marriage, friendship, or relationship it should not be let go of easily….We should stay with a friend or lover as long as we can, until we are compelled to abandon them completely against our will. It’s a serious thing to toss away money, but to cast aside a person is even more serious. Nothing in life is more rarely found, nothing more dearly possessed. No loss is more chilling or more dangerous than that of a friend or lover…

“Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”…

If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.

Waiting for another person to love you is not living. Once you allow your own life to flow, you have the best chance of attracting the lover you should have.

Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.

Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?

Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.

Giving yourself too much to another person can be masochistic…building a marriage can be a joyful experience, but surrendering to another person is never a happy choice. But, if both partners surrender to a marriage, they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the limitations of being with one other person. But if both partners surrender to the marriage they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the imitations of beign with one other person.

It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.

It isn’t advisable to try to make an idealistic model of married life born out of union blessed both in heaven and hell. Don’t expect to solve all your problems. Don’t imagine that one day everything will settle down into harmony. Don’t expect perpetual sunshine.

Know that marriage, for all its beauty and pleasure, is a also a dark night of the soul.

It takes time for the soul, so deep and complex, to sort itself out and arrange a decision for itself for a decision…It’s important to gather oneself together before making a move. Many people make decisions just on the principle that you should do something.

Relationship Ponderings: Part II

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Thomas Moore writes:

Marriage works best not by keeping the contract up to date…but…by doing and saying things that touch the feelings and imagination, not just the mind...like all matters of soul, if works by means of magic rather than by effort….In matters of the soul, a well conceived ritual act, well chosen words, an inspired gesture, a symbolic gift, even a well modulated tone of voice can achieve the desired effect. Often a very small gesture or action will have great consequences…this is one of the traditional rules of magic

I believe we all want and need to be touched emotionally and our imagination stirred, but if we want to receive we must be willing to give...so...think about what small gestures, well chosen words, or symbolic gift you can give to your loved ones and then sit back and watch your efforts weave their magic. Here are some more thoughts on relationships to ponder.

Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.

Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.

The person who cannot listen cannot converse. Conversation involves holding the material the other has taken from their “cabinet”, treating it with attention and respect. People trying to win an argument, make a point, preach a sermon, hold forth a theory, or give testimony to a belief are not engaged in conversation. These agendas are burdened with narcissism and offer little room for soul. Conversation is an inherently soulful activity, and therefore requires that the ego be given limited place…Conversation hovers between two people, takes it time to get in motion, finds its rhythm, and slows to an ending…Conversation is the sex act of the soul, and as such it is supremely conducive to the cultivation of intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
Relationship is not a project, it is a grace…

Loss of love and intimacy can be a profound form of initiation. Paradoxically, initiation means beginning, and yet the most powerful initiation always involves some sort of death…Mircea Eliade suggests that all endings are potential beginnings and that all beginnings carry the potential seeds of ending…The ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be read as literal failure, but can be seen vertically, as a means toward a new level of experience.”

Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”

Love gives life so much vitality, meaningfulness, and purpose that when it wanes, even if temporarily, life can feel unbearably empty, and a person may be tempted to go to extreme measures to fill the void..When we feel a lessening of love, we could enter that feeling and perhaps discover the rhythms of our own soul…a worth goal in itself. This may be a time when the soul necessarily quiets down in the areas of romance, desire, and sexuality in order to accomplish some other project for itself.

Loss of desire is part of the rhythm of desire, and failure in love is one of the ways we experience love. If we protect ourselves from the difficult emotions that accompany the retreat of love, we are shielding ourselves from the soul.

Whenever we imagine a relationship sentimentally as being good only when it is warm, we do a disservice to that element in the soul that wants or needs coolness…We might learn from ancient wisdom to give a place to the cool emotions and to cycles of coldness that visit a person or a relationship.

Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….

The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….

Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.

A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the community and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.

The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.

Relationship Ponderings: Part I

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Over the years I have read my share of books on relationships and after awhile the advise and insights they provide generally start to all sound similar…but…every once in a while I come across a book or a saying here or there that stops me in my tracks and influences me ponder the deep meaning of my relationships. Following is a collection of what I consider some of the more profound things I have heard about relationships over the past ten years.

Intimacy begins at home, with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself. ..We may feel tension in our lives and assume it is due to problems in a relationship with someone, but that seemingly outer tension may be an echo of inner conflict…For example, we may think we’re lonely because we have no friends, when the fact is we have no relationship to ourselves and for that reason feel lonely and friendless.

Some say love is blind. But it may be the other way around. Love allows a person to see the true angelic nature of another person, the halo, the aureole of divinity

We may not like the feeling of loneliness that may inspire us to get married, but neither, sometimes, do we like the change from being a single person to living with another, with all the limitations and challenges that such arrangement entails. Many married people confess to deep ambivalence about being married, and many secretly harbor strong fantasies of divorce and the single life…but….it isn’t necessary to give up solitude altogether to be married. But even more deeply we can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves as well. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding…

Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.

Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.

Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.

If I ask, what is wrong with me that I can’t have a long lasting relationship the question borders on narcissism….the focus is on me…to get to the soul we might re-direct our questions outward: What does fate want in its demand on me? What is the meaning of this continuing failure to find love? What am I made of that my heart moves in directions different from my intentions?

As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself…It provides an occasion to glimpse your own soul and notice its longings and its fears. And as you get to know yourself, you can be more accepting and understanding of the other’s depth of soul.

Oddly, the most intimate relationships may be the very ones that appear most foolish…The most unpredictable couplings sometimes make the best marriages…But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface. People make unusual arrangements….because…the soul generally does not want to conform to the familiar patterns of life…It follows that a particularly soulful marriage may look oddly individuals, its forms and structures contrary to accepted patterns

When a marriage or romance breaks up or when a friendship fades, we tend to look for rational causes and to blame one of the parties for committing the crime of ending. Fate and its important relationships to the soul are forgotten and we take for ourselves both authorship and blame for developments that are clearly the work of the soul….If we are going to honor the soul of relationship, we will have to do so all the way, even, if necessary, through the ending….Blaming the other party for the ending of a relationship is understanding as a way of avoiding the pain caused by the inexorable, sometimes heartless demands of fate, but by avoiding that pain we may condemn ourselves to years of being frustrated by the very emotions and images we are attempting to escape.

Opposites Attract

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A lot has been written about the different ways people show love…and…some popular authors like to assert that men and women are radically different when it comes to how men and women process and receive love. I don’t want to rehash the merits or credibility of the popular theory that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but I would like to explore how different personality types “may” influence how we are able to accept the various aspects of love. In order to avoid becoming too complex and getting lost in the labyrinth of personality types I am going to limit the exploration to introverts and extroverts.

Psychologist David Richo defines extroverts and introverts this way…”An extrovert is animated by the company of others; an introvert is depleted by it. An extrovert seeks people with whom to socialize; an introvert avoids socializing. An extrovert is in danger of burning out; an introvert is in danger of isolation…For an introvert the inner alarm of physical sensation urgently warns: I have to get out of here. For an extrovert, the inner alarm blares: I have to be with someone”…and Richo concludes with, “In a relationship, these opposing styles can lead to conflict”…because…introverts can often feel smothered or trapped by their partners while extroverts frequently feel rejected or abandoned by their introverted partners.

How to love an Introvert

Validate their need for distance and space without taking it as rejection.

Let them initiate their own need for closeness.

Express gratitude, recognition, and kindness when your introverted partner demonstrates a willingness to accommodate your needs.

Respect their need to be alone at times.

Accept their personality without judgment.

Don’t try to change their personality.

How to love an extrovert

Take notice and an active interest in what their partners are doing.
Demonstrate that you at their side.

Include your partners in your life as much as possible without

Frequently demonstrate psychically and verbally your love.

Join your partner and share their interests in some way as often as possible.

Balance your need to be alone with your partners need for closeness.

Be careful not to judge your partner’s need for closeness and don’t communicate to
your partner that they are needy because they want to be close to you.

How an Introvert often shows love

They often notice a lot but may not say much.

They are generally not as critical “verbally”.

They will get close but only when they feel ready.

They feel appreciated but show it only when to do so is not embarrassing or required.

They grant more freedom to their partners and their lifestyle.

How an Extrovert often shows love

They notice you and tell you so.

They want and encourage their partners to be themselves.

They love to demonstrate psychical affection.

They show appreciation with words and actions.

They offer to include you in what matters to them.

Thomas Moore writes: “There is always a tension and a dialectic, a shifting back and forth—between concrete life and mental work on it, between living our loves and understanding them, between the desire for intimacy and the wish for solitude, between the soul of attachment and the spirit of detachment…and we may need to look for concrete ways to give life to both our intimacies and our solitude.”

In the realm of interpersonal relationships opposites often attract which means that it is common for extroverts to hook up with introverts. If both personalities can accept, respect, and are willing to give to the other according to the deep seated needs of their partners than ying and yang can co-exist and create beautiful music…but….if not…than conflict and tension will arise and if attention is not given to the needs of our partners than the relationship will wax and wane between the realm of heaven and hell.