Sunday, August 17, 2008
Someone had this to say about love,
To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…
I have suspected all along that love is a deep need of the soul which helps explain why despite all our failures to love and the emotional pain associated with love we still continue to seek it out with the fervor of the Knights of the Roundtable in search of the Holy Grail. I just wish the feeling of love wasn't so fleeting. This is the last entry of relationship ponderings. Here are some more thoughts to ponder.
In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude….
Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.
In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…
The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.
What begins full of hope and promise turns into serious questioning and emotional ambivalence. While a lover may interpret these ups and downs as a personal problem in making a commitment, it might be more accurate to understand that love itself is inconsistent and has a kind of inherent hysteria.
When deep attachment is set in place in a marriage, friendship, or relationship it should not be let go of easily….We should stay with a friend or lover as long as we can, until we are compelled to abandon them completely against our will. It’s a serious thing to toss away money, but to cast aside a person is even more serious. Nothing in life is more rarely found, nothing more dearly possessed. No loss is more chilling or more dangerous than that of a friend or lover…
“Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”…
If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.
Waiting for another person to love you is not living. Once you allow your own life to flow, you have the best chance of attracting the lover you should have.
Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.
Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?
Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.
Giving yourself too much to another person can be masochistic…building a marriage can be a joyful experience, but surrendering to another person is never a happy choice. But, if both partners surrender to a marriage, they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the limitations of being with one other person. But if both partners surrender to the marriage they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the imitations of beign with one other person.
It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.
It isn’t advisable to try to make an idealistic model of married life born out of union blessed both in heaven and hell. Don’t expect to solve all your problems. Don’t imagine that one day everything will settle down into harmony. Don’t expect perpetual sunshine.
Know that marriage, for all its beauty and pleasure, is a also a dark night of the soul.
It takes time for the soul, so deep and complex, to sort itself out and arrange a decision for itself for a decision…It’s important to gather oneself together before making a move. Many people make decisions just on the principle that you should do something.
To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…
I have suspected all along that love is a deep need of the soul which helps explain why despite all our failures to love and the emotional pain associated with love we still continue to seek it out with the fervor of the Knights of the Roundtable in search of the Holy Grail. I just wish the feeling of love wasn't so fleeting. This is the last entry of relationship ponderings. Here are some more thoughts to ponder.
In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude….
Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.
In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…
The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.
What begins full of hope and promise turns into serious questioning and emotional ambivalence. While a lover may interpret these ups and downs as a personal problem in making a commitment, it might be more accurate to understand that love itself is inconsistent and has a kind of inherent hysteria.
When deep attachment is set in place in a marriage, friendship, or relationship it should not be let go of easily….We should stay with a friend or lover as long as we can, until we are compelled to abandon them completely against our will. It’s a serious thing to toss away money, but to cast aside a person is even more serious. Nothing in life is more rarely found, nothing more dearly possessed. No loss is more chilling or more dangerous than that of a friend or lover…
“Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”…
If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.
Waiting for another person to love you is not living. Once you allow your own life to flow, you have the best chance of attracting the lover you should have.
Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.
Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?
Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.
Giving yourself too much to another person can be masochistic…building a marriage can be a joyful experience, but surrendering to another person is never a happy choice. But, if both partners surrender to a marriage, they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the limitations of being with one other person. But if both partners surrender to the marriage they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the imitations of beign with one other person.
It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.
It isn’t advisable to try to make an idealistic model of married life born out of union blessed both in heaven and hell. Don’t expect to solve all your problems. Don’t imagine that one day everything will settle down into harmony. Don’t expect perpetual sunshine.
Know that marriage, for all its beauty and pleasure, is a also a dark night of the soul.
It takes time for the soul, so deep and complex, to sort itself out and arrange a decision for itself for a decision…It’s important to gather oneself together before making a move. Many people make decisions just on the principle that you should do something.
Thomas Moore writes:
Marriage works best not by keeping the contract up to date…but…by doing and saying things that touch the feelings and imagination, not just the mind...like all matters of soul, if works by means of magic rather than by effort….In matters of the soul, a well conceived ritual act, well chosen words, an inspired gesture, a symbolic gift, even a well modulated tone of voice can achieve the desired effect. Often a very small gesture or action will have great consequences…this is one of the traditional rules of magic
I believe we all want and need to be touched emotionally and our imagination stirred, but if we want to receive we must be willing to give...so...think about what small gestures, well chosen words, or symbolic gift you can give to your loved ones and then sit back and watch your efforts weave their magic. Here are some more thoughts on relationships to ponder.
Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.
Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.
The person who cannot listen cannot converse. Conversation involves holding the material the other has taken from their “cabinet”, treating it with attention and respect. People trying to win an argument, make a point, preach a sermon, hold forth a theory, or give testimony to a belief are not engaged in conversation. These agendas are burdened with narcissism and offer little room for soul. Conversation is an inherently soulful activity, and therefore requires that the ego be given limited place…Conversation hovers between two people, takes it time to get in motion, finds its rhythm, and slows to an ending…Conversation is the sex act of the soul, and as such it is supremely conducive to the cultivation of intimacy.
Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
Relationship is not a project, it is a grace…
Loss of love and intimacy can be a profound form of initiation. Paradoxically, initiation means beginning, and yet the most powerful initiation always involves some sort of death…Mircea Eliade suggests that all endings are potential beginnings and that all beginnings carry the potential seeds of ending…The ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be read as literal failure, but can be seen vertically, as a means toward a new level of experience.”
Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”
Love gives life so much vitality, meaningfulness, and purpose that when it wanes, even if temporarily, life can feel unbearably empty, and a person may be tempted to go to extreme measures to fill the void..When we feel a lessening of love, we could enter that feeling and perhaps discover the rhythms of our own soul…a worth goal in itself. This may be a time when the soul necessarily quiets down in the areas of romance, desire, and sexuality in order to accomplish some other project for itself.
Loss of desire is part of the rhythm of desire, and failure in love is one of the ways we experience love. If we protect ourselves from the difficult emotions that accompany the retreat of love, we are shielding ourselves from the soul.
Whenever we imagine a relationship sentimentally as being good only when it is warm, we do a disservice to that element in the soul that wants or needs coolness…We might learn from ancient wisdom to give a place to the cool emotions and to cycles of coldness that visit a person or a relationship.
Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….
The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the community and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.
The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.
Marriage works best not by keeping the contract up to date…but…by doing and saying things that touch the feelings and imagination, not just the mind...like all matters of soul, if works by means of magic rather than by effort….In matters of the soul, a well conceived ritual act, well chosen words, an inspired gesture, a symbolic gift, even a well modulated tone of voice can achieve the desired effect. Often a very small gesture or action will have great consequences…this is one of the traditional rules of magic
I believe we all want and need to be touched emotionally and our imagination stirred, but if we want to receive we must be willing to give...so...think about what small gestures, well chosen words, or symbolic gift you can give to your loved ones and then sit back and watch your efforts weave their magic. Here are some more thoughts on relationships to ponder.
Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.
Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.
The person who cannot listen cannot converse. Conversation involves holding the material the other has taken from their “cabinet”, treating it with attention and respect. People trying to win an argument, make a point, preach a sermon, hold forth a theory, or give testimony to a belief are not engaged in conversation. These agendas are burdened with narcissism and offer little room for soul. Conversation is an inherently soulful activity, and therefore requires that the ego be given limited place…Conversation hovers between two people, takes it time to get in motion, finds its rhythm, and slows to an ending…Conversation is the sex act of the soul, and as such it is supremely conducive to the cultivation of intimacy.
Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
Relationship is not a project, it is a grace…
Loss of love and intimacy can be a profound form of initiation. Paradoxically, initiation means beginning, and yet the most powerful initiation always involves some sort of death…Mircea Eliade suggests that all endings are potential beginnings and that all beginnings carry the potential seeds of ending…The ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be read as literal failure, but can be seen vertically, as a means toward a new level of experience.”
Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”
Love gives life so much vitality, meaningfulness, and purpose that when it wanes, even if temporarily, life can feel unbearably empty, and a person may be tempted to go to extreme measures to fill the void..When we feel a lessening of love, we could enter that feeling and perhaps discover the rhythms of our own soul…a worth goal in itself. This may be a time when the soul necessarily quiets down in the areas of romance, desire, and sexuality in order to accomplish some other project for itself.
Loss of desire is part of the rhythm of desire, and failure in love is one of the ways we experience love. If we protect ourselves from the difficult emotions that accompany the retreat of love, we are shielding ourselves from the soul.
Whenever we imagine a relationship sentimentally as being good only when it is warm, we do a disservice to that element in the soul that wants or needs coolness…We might learn from ancient wisdom to give a place to the cool emotions and to cycles of coldness that visit a person or a relationship.
Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….
The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the community and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.
The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.
Over the years I have read my share of books on relationships and after awhile the advise and insights they provide generally start to all sound similar…but…every once in a while I come across a book or a saying here or there that stops me in my tracks and influences me ponder the deep meaning of my relationships. Following is a collection of what I consider some of the more profound things I have heard about relationships over the past ten years.
Intimacy begins at home, with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself. ..We may feel tension in our lives and assume it is due to problems in a relationship with someone, but that seemingly outer tension may be an echo of inner conflict…For example, we may think we’re lonely because we have no friends, when the fact is we have no relationship to ourselves and for that reason feel lonely and friendless.
Some say love is blind. But it may be the other way around. Love allows a person to see the true angelic nature of another person, the halo, the aureole of divinity
We may not like the feeling of loneliness that may inspire us to get married, but neither, sometimes, do we like the change from being a single person to living with another, with all the limitations and challenges that such arrangement entails. Many married people confess to deep ambivalence about being married, and many secretly harbor strong fantasies of divorce and the single life…but….it isn’t necessary to give up solitude altogether to be married. But even more deeply we can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves as well. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding…
Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.
Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.
Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.
If I ask, what is wrong with me that I can’t have a long lasting relationship the question borders on narcissism….the focus is on me…to get to the soul we might re-direct our questions outward: What does fate want in its demand on me? What is the meaning of this continuing failure to find love? What am I made of that my heart moves in directions different from my intentions?
As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself…It provides an occasion to glimpse your own soul and notice its longings and its fears. And as you get to know yourself, you can be more accepting and understanding of the other’s depth of soul.
Oddly, the most intimate relationships may be the very ones that appear most foolish…The most unpredictable couplings sometimes make the best marriages…But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface. People make unusual arrangements….because…the soul generally does not want to conform to the familiar patterns of life…It follows that a particularly soulful marriage may look oddly individuals, its forms and structures contrary to accepted patterns
When a marriage or romance breaks up or when a friendship fades, we tend to look for rational causes and to blame one of the parties for committing the crime of ending. Fate and its important relationships to the soul are forgotten and we take for ourselves both authorship and blame for developments that are clearly the work of the soul….If we are going to honor the soul of relationship, we will have to do so all the way, even, if necessary, through the ending….Blaming the other party for the ending of a relationship is understanding as a way of avoiding the pain caused by the inexorable, sometimes heartless demands of fate, but by avoiding that pain we may condemn ourselves to years of being frustrated by the very emotions and images we are attempting to escape.
Intimacy begins at home, with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself. ..We may feel tension in our lives and assume it is due to problems in a relationship with someone, but that seemingly outer tension may be an echo of inner conflict…For example, we may think we’re lonely because we have no friends, when the fact is we have no relationship to ourselves and for that reason feel lonely and friendless.
Some say love is blind. But it may be the other way around. Love allows a person to see the true angelic nature of another person, the halo, the aureole of divinity
We may not like the feeling of loneliness that may inspire us to get married, but neither, sometimes, do we like the change from being a single person to living with another, with all the limitations and challenges that such arrangement entails. Many married people confess to deep ambivalence about being married, and many secretly harbor strong fantasies of divorce and the single life…but….it isn’t necessary to give up solitude altogether to be married. But even more deeply we can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves as well. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding…
Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.
Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.
Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.
If I ask, what is wrong with me that I can’t have a long lasting relationship the question borders on narcissism….the focus is on me…to get to the soul we might re-direct our questions outward: What does fate want in its demand on me? What is the meaning of this continuing failure to find love? What am I made of that my heart moves in directions different from my intentions?
As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself…It provides an occasion to glimpse your own soul and notice its longings and its fears. And as you get to know yourself, you can be more accepting and understanding of the other’s depth of soul.
Oddly, the most intimate relationships may be the very ones that appear most foolish…The most unpredictable couplings sometimes make the best marriages…But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface. People make unusual arrangements….because…the soul generally does not want to conform to the familiar patterns of life…It follows that a particularly soulful marriage may look oddly individuals, its forms and structures contrary to accepted patterns
When a marriage or romance breaks up or when a friendship fades, we tend to look for rational causes and to blame one of the parties for committing the crime of ending. Fate and its important relationships to the soul are forgotten and we take for ourselves both authorship and blame for developments that are clearly the work of the soul….If we are going to honor the soul of relationship, we will have to do so all the way, even, if necessary, through the ending….Blaming the other party for the ending of a relationship is understanding as a way of avoiding the pain caused by the inexorable, sometimes heartless demands of fate, but by avoiding that pain we may condemn ourselves to years of being frustrated by the very emotions and images we are attempting to escape.
Friday, August 15, 2008
A lot has been written about the different ways people show love…and…some popular authors like to assert that men and women are radically different when it comes to how men and women process and receive love. I don’t want to rehash the merits or credibility of the popular theory that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but I would like to explore how different personality types “may” influence how we are able to accept the various aspects of love. In order to avoid becoming too complex and getting lost in the labyrinth of personality types I am going to limit the exploration to introverts and extroverts.
Psychologist David Richo defines extroverts and introverts this way…”An extrovert is animated by the company of others; an introvert is depleted by it. An extrovert seeks people with whom to socialize; an introvert avoids socializing. An extrovert is in danger of burning out; an introvert is in danger of isolation…For an introvert the inner alarm of physical sensation urgently warns: I have to get out of here. For an extrovert, the inner alarm blares: I have to be with someone”…and Richo concludes with, “In a relationship, these opposing styles can lead to conflict”…because…introverts can often feel smothered or trapped by their partners while extroverts frequently feel rejected or abandoned by their introverted partners.
How to love an Introvert
Validate their need for distance and space without taking it as rejection.
Let them initiate their own need for closeness.
Express gratitude, recognition, and kindness when your introverted partner demonstrates a willingness to accommodate your needs.
Respect their need to be alone at times.
Accept their personality without judgment.
Don’t try to change their personality.
How to love an extrovert
Take notice and an active interest in what their partners are doing.
Demonstrate that you at their side.
Include your partners in your life as much as possible without
Frequently demonstrate psychically and verbally your love.
Join your partner and share their interests in some way as often as possible.
Balance your need to be alone with your partners need for closeness.
Be careful not to judge your partner’s need for closeness and don’t communicate to
your partner that they are needy because they want to be close to you.
How an Introvert often shows love
They often notice a lot but may not say much.
They are generally not as critical “verbally”.
They will get close but only when they feel ready.
They feel appreciated but show it only when to do so is not embarrassing or required.
They grant more freedom to their partners and their lifestyle.
How an Extrovert often shows love
They notice you and tell you so.
They want and encourage their partners to be themselves.
They love to demonstrate psychical affection.
They show appreciation with words and actions.
They offer to include you in what matters to them.
Thomas Moore writes: “There is always a tension and a dialectic, a shifting back and forth—between concrete life and mental work on it, between living our loves and understanding them, between the desire for intimacy and the wish for solitude, between the soul of attachment and the spirit of detachment…and we may need to look for concrete ways to give life to both our intimacies and our solitude.”
In the realm of interpersonal relationships opposites often attract which means that it is common for extroverts to hook up with introverts. If both personalities can accept, respect, and are willing to give to the other according to the deep seated needs of their partners than ying and yang can co-exist and create beautiful music…but….if not…than conflict and tension will arise and if attention is not given to the needs of our partners than the relationship will wax and wane between the realm of heaven and hell.
Psychologist David Richo defines extroverts and introverts this way…”An extrovert is animated by the company of others; an introvert is depleted by it. An extrovert seeks people with whom to socialize; an introvert avoids socializing. An extrovert is in danger of burning out; an introvert is in danger of isolation…For an introvert the inner alarm of physical sensation urgently warns: I have to get out of here. For an extrovert, the inner alarm blares: I have to be with someone”…and Richo concludes with, “In a relationship, these opposing styles can lead to conflict”…because…introverts can often feel smothered or trapped by their partners while extroverts frequently feel rejected or abandoned by their introverted partners.
How to love an Introvert
Validate their need for distance and space without taking it as rejection.
Let them initiate their own need for closeness.
Express gratitude, recognition, and kindness when your introverted partner demonstrates a willingness to accommodate your needs.
Respect their need to be alone at times.
Accept their personality without judgment.
Don’t try to change their personality.
How to love an extrovert
Take notice and an active interest in what their partners are doing.
Demonstrate that you at their side.
Include your partners in your life as much as possible without
Frequently demonstrate psychically and verbally your love.
Join your partner and share their interests in some way as often as possible.
Balance your need to be alone with your partners need for closeness.
Be careful not to judge your partner’s need for closeness and don’t communicate to
your partner that they are needy because they want to be close to you.
How an Introvert often shows love
They often notice a lot but may not say much.
They are generally not as critical “verbally”.
They will get close but only when they feel ready.
They feel appreciated but show it only when to do so is not embarrassing or required.
They grant more freedom to their partners and their lifestyle.
How an Extrovert often shows love
They notice you and tell you so.
They want and encourage their partners to be themselves.
They love to demonstrate psychical affection.
They show appreciation with words and actions.
They offer to include you in what matters to them.
Thomas Moore writes: “There is always a tension and a dialectic, a shifting back and forth—between concrete life and mental work on it, between living our loves and understanding them, between the desire for intimacy and the wish for solitude, between the soul of attachment and the spirit of detachment…and we may need to look for concrete ways to give life to both our intimacies and our solitude.”
In the realm of interpersonal relationships opposites often attract which means that it is common for extroverts to hook up with introverts. If both personalities can accept, respect, and are willing to give to the other according to the deep seated needs of their partners than ying and yang can co-exist and create beautiful music…but….if not…than conflict and tension will arise and if attention is not given to the needs of our partners than the relationship will wax and wane between the realm of heaven and hell.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I bring you another entry on quotes with some brief commentary from your's truly.
The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others,
How much they love them
While they're alive.
And why is this the case?...and..How hard is it to tell you’re partner how much you love them on a regular basis?...Apparently, it is very difficult for a lot of people. No easy answers. Probably need to dig a bit deeper.
Just because someone doesn't love you
in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you
with all they've got.
I sure wish someone has told me this about 20 years ago…We all have our limits and maybe it would help if we communicated to our partners “how” they could best love us. And, be gracious for all their efforts and always give them the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
Than what is?...Why and who we fall in love with has always been a mystery to me. On some days I wish this wasn’t the case..but…deep down I am glad we cannot reduce relationships and love to the scientific method or set of formula’s because it would eliminate or reduce the critical aspects of creativity and spontaneity which breathe life into the soul of all relationships.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
And a significant number of us inhale the smoke even though we know it is potentially dangerous to our health...and...some of us are obvious chain smokers.
No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he has experienced it.
Infatuation does seem to transcend all logic…and…I suspect it is the ace in the hole of the gods to get us past our fear, anxiety, and other forms of resistance. Why can’t we just concede that resistance is futile and get aboard the Borg relationship vessel.
Platonic love is love from the neck up.
Not if you’re with someone who loves brainiacs. Some people get really turned on when they are around someone who is intelligent. At least that is what I have been told. This quote probably originated with a single bachelor recluse from an Ivy League school.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
I propose that depends on which version of Eve you get hooked up with. Not all Eve’s are the same.
The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.
Can’t argue with a group of people who show affection by rubbing their noses together. The eskimos have street cred in my book.
Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.
Give me any version of love, hands, eyes, body, and heart. I want them all.
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
It would be nice, though, if they could change a flat tire or at least hold the flashlight while I change the tire.
The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others,
How much they love them
While they're alive.
And why is this the case?...and..How hard is it to tell you’re partner how much you love them on a regular basis?...Apparently, it is very difficult for a lot of people. No easy answers. Probably need to dig a bit deeper.
Just because someone doesn't love you
in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you
with all they've got.
I sure wish someone has told me this about 20 years ago…We all have our limits and maybe it would help if we communicated to our partners “how” they could best love us. And, be gracious for all their efforts and always give them the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
Than what is?...Why and who we fall in love with has always been a mystery to me. On some days I wish this wasn’t the case..but…deep down I am glad we cannot reduce relationships and love to the scientific method or set of formula’s because it would eliminate or reduce the critical aspects of creativity and spontaneity which breathe life into the soul of all relationships.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
And a significant number of us inhale the smoke even though we know it is potentially dangerous to our health...and...some of us are obvious chain smokers.
No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he has experienced it.
Infatuation does seem to transcend all logic…and…I suspect it is the ace in the hole of the gods to get us past our fear, anxiety, and other forms of resistance. Why can’t we just concede that resistance is futile and get aboard the Borg relationship vessel.
Platonic love is love from the neck up.
Not if you’re with someone who loves brainiacs. Some people get really turned on when they are around someone who is intelligent. At least that is what I have been told. This quote probably originated with a single bachelor recluse from an Ivy League school.
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
I propose that depends on which version of Eve you get hooked up with. Not all Eve’s are the same.
The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.
Can’t argue with a group of people who show affection by rubbing their noses together. The eskimos have street cred in my book.
Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.
Give me any version of love, hands, eyes, body, and heart. I want them all.
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
It would be nice, though, if they could change a flat tire or at least hold the flashlight while I change the tire.
Thomas Moore writes, “Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”.
Hard work is not enough…and…when you have done all that is in your power it may be time to surrender and allow fate to run it's course. Surrender is not easy for most people because as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, we associate security with control but maybe if we surrendered to the fate of the gods we might save ourselves from the potential heartbreak that occurs when we try to push things through on our terms. Oh well, I wish I had figured this out sooner, but even old dogs learn new tricks, sometimes. This is part II of “The Things I Wish I Knew”.
I wish I knew that If your job gets your best energy, your marriage or relationships will wither”…Personally, I don't think we pay enough attention to how our jobs can potentially wreck havoc on our relationships. It's not just an individual problem because I think our culture compounds the problem by socializing us to accept that "workaholism" is O.K., because we are just trying to support our families...but...I can't help wondering if the expectation to work long and hard has more to do with supporting a particular standard of living or lining the pockets of the C.E.O.'s at the top of the economic food chain and their investors. I know this probably sounds very cynical, but this is how I feel...but...bottom line for me,if our jobs our consuming all our time and just as important, our energy, than we aren't going to be able to give much to our families, friends, and partners. This is just common sense...and...I would like to throw in other things like hobbies,civic responsibilities, or just watching too much t.v. I don't want to sound like I am picking on the folks who have workaholic leanings. This is a sensitive issue for me because the wife of my best friend in high school left him because of his work situation. He was absolutely devastated and completely shocked and I know it has caused him and his family a significant amount of emotional pain and financial hardship over the years.
I wish I knew, that no one person, no matter how much they love you, can meet all your needs. This is one of those things that we all know intellectually, but, our actions may not follow...so...we cling, become possessive, jealous, and don't look inside ourselves or others to meet our various needs...and...thus...drive our partners away because, intuitively, no one wants to bear the burden or expectation of having to meet the deep and seemingly infinite needs of another individual. This can be a real challenge for some partners because they may lack the resources within to sustain themselves during times of trouble, anxiety, or crisis...or...they may have bought into the marital myth that our partners are supposed to meet all our deep needs...I'll close with a couple of thoughts from family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom.
"It is sheer fantasy to believe that our marriage partners alone can fulfill us. We also need friends, satisfying work, healthy solitude, play, and other life experiences to fulfill the needs of our soul. Unrealistic expectations inevitably set us up for disappointment....and...The more secure we feel within ourselves, the more able we are to grant our partners the room they need to include other loving relationships into their lives"
Hard work is not enough…and…when you have done all that is in your power it may be time to surrender and allow fate to run it's course. Surrender is not easy for most people because as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, we associate security with control but maybe if we surrendered to the fate of the gods we might save ourselves from the potential heartbreak that occurs when we try to push things through on our terms. Oh well, I wish I had figured this out sooner, but even old dogs learn new tricks, sometimes. This is part II of “The Things I Wish I Knew”.
I wish I knew that If your job gets your best energy, your marriage or relationships will wither”…Personally, I don't think we pay enough attention to how our jobs can potentially wreck havoc on our relationships. It's not just an individual problem because I think our culture compounds the problem by socializing us to accept that "workaholism" is O.K., because we are just trying to support our families...but...I can't help wondering if the expectation to work long and hard has more to do with supporting a particular standard of living or lining the pockets of the C.E.O.'s at the top of the economic food chain and their investors. I know this probably sounds very cynical, but this is how I feel...but...bottom line for me,if our jobs our consuming all our time and just as important, our energy, than we aren't going to be able to give much to our families, friends, and partners. This is just common sense...and...I would like to throw in other things like hobbies,civic responsibilities, or just watching too much t.v. I don't want to sound like I am picking on the folks who have workaholic leanings. This is a sensitive issue for me because the wife of my best friend in high school left him because of his work situation. He was absolutely devastated and completely shocked and I know it has caused him and his family a significant amount of emotional pain and financial hardship over the years.
I wish I knew, that no one person, no matter how much they love you, can meet all your needs. This is one of those things that we all know intellectually, but, our actions may not follow...so...we cling, become possessive, jealous, and don't look inside ourselves or others to meet our various needs...and...thus...drive our partners away because, intuitively, no one wants to bear the burden or expectation of having to meet the deep and seemingly infinite needs of another individual. This can be a real challenge for some partners because they may lack the resources within to sustain themselves during times of trouble, anxiety, or crisis...or...they may have bought into the marital myth that our partners are supposed to meet all our deep needs...I'll close with a couple of thoughts from family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom.
"It is sheer fantasy to believe that our marriage partners alone can fulfill us. We also need friends, satisfying work, healthy solitude, play, and other life experiences to fulfill the needs of our soul. Unrealistic expectations inevitably set us up for disappointment....and...The more secure we feel within ourselves, the more able we are to grant our partners the room they need to include other loving relationships into their lives"
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
In their book 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, psychotherapists Linda and Charlie Bloom share some practical advise which they hope will help make love and relationships last. I am generally not one to propose formulas or too specific directions regarding relationships but I did like many of their practical suggestions and would like to pass along a few of their suggestions along with the ideas of some of my other favorite authors in a series I will simply call, Things I Wish I Knew.
1. I wish I knew that "Great relationships don't just happen; they are created."
Oh sure, everyone knows that relationships require work, attention, and a
significant amount of sweat and tears but during the initial romance phase which
sometimes can last for six months or longer we often trick ourselves into
thinking that "maybe" this relationship will be immune from the trials and
tribulations of other relationships...so...when we are eventually hit between the
eyes with our first "real" challenge significant doubts can and most often arise
and our initial inclination may be to bail out of the ship. Acknowledging and
understanding that "all" relationships are challenging and require our time and
attention will not make it any easier but it may help us from losing our nerve
as we face the ongoing challenges and ups and downs of all relationships.
Here are a couple of related thoughts from Thomas Moore's book Soulmates
Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.
If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.
2. I wish I knew that Growing up in a happy family doesn't ensure a good marriage
and growing up in unhappy family doesn't preclude having one. This is encouraging
news for those of us who may not have had a particular happy childhood and may
have accepted the assumption that one cannot escape one's past. For some time I
have believed that our greatest weakness can potentially become our greatest
strengths. I suspect good marriages can be achieved by those who come from
challenging pasts because we know existentially what it is like to grow up in
a highly dysfunctional family and we are "determined" to do whatever it may take
to avoid experiencing the emotional pain associated with growing up in a unhappy
home. Motivation and desire may not solve all our relationship problems and it
may not trump good advise or wisdom but it can potentially take us a long way.
1. I wish I knew that "Great relationships don't just happen; they are created."
Oh sure, everyone knows that relationships require work, attention, and a
significant amount of sweat and tears but during the initial romance phase which
sometimes can last for six months or longer we often trick ourselves into
thinking that "maybe" this relationship will be immune from the trials and
tribulations of other relationships...so...when we are eventually hit between the
eyes with our first "real" challenge significant doubts can and most often arise
and our initial inclination may be to bail out of the ship. Acknowledging and
understanding that "all" relationships are challenging and require our time and
attention will not make it any easier but it may help us from losing our nerve
as we face the ongoing challenges and ups and downs of all relationships.
Here are a couple of related thoughts from Thomas Moore's book Soulmates
Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.
If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.
2. I wish I knew that Growing up in a happy family doesn't ensure a good marriage
and growing up in unhappy family doesn't preclude having one. This is encouraging
news for those of us who may not have had a particular happy childhood and may
have accepted the assumption that one cannot escape one's past. For some time I
have believed that our greatest weakness can potentially become our greatest
strengths. I suspect good marriages can be achieved by those who come from
challenging pasts because we know existentially what it is like to grow up in
a highly dysfunctional family and we are "determined" to do whatever it may take
to avoid experiencing the emotional pain associated with growing up in a unhappy
home. Motivation and desire may not solve all our relationship problems and it
may not trump good advise or wisdom but it can potentially take us a long way.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Love is difficult to define but the following entries may help shed some light for those who ponder the meaning of love from time to time.
I love you because you kiss me like you mean it.
I love you because when your arms fold around me, all my worries disappear.
I love you because you find a way to make me feel special each and every day.
I love you because you are proud to be seen with me.
I love you because when I am irritable, you are forgiving.
I love you because you don't demand more of me than I can give you.
I love you because you are not indifferent to my love for you.
I love you because you indulge my romantic impulses.
I love you because you know how to say the difficult things without hurting my
feelings.
I love you because you always give me the benefit of the doubt.
I love you because even though time has changed me, you still find me attractive.
I love you because I know without a doubt that you love me, too.
I love you because when I need you, you try to comfort me.
I love you because you don't expect me to be everything to you.
I love you because when I want to talk, you are patient.
I love you because you have enriched my life in ways I never imagined.
I love you because you are careful with my tender spots.
I love you because I always have fun with you.
I love you because when I touch you, you touch me back.
I love you because I feel safe with you.
I love you because you always see the best in me.
I love you because you have helped me to better understand myself.
I love you because you have never tried to change who I am.
I love you because when I gave myself to you, I lost nothing.
I love you because you surprise me with little gifts.
I love you because you understand my needs.
I love you because you are my best friend.
I love you because even when you are angry with me, you are kind.
I love you because your affection soothes me.
I love you because you like to spoil me now and then.
I love you because when I can't sleep, you rub my back.
I love you because with you I have a profound sense of belonging.
I love you because when I look into your eyes, I see your love for me.
I love you because when we spend time together you are never distracted by something
more important.
I love you because when I reach for you, you move closer.
I love you because you never fail to consider my feelings.
I love you because you like to sleep like spoons.
I love you because without you my life would be less than it has become.
I love you because you kiss me like you mean it.
I love you because when your arms fold around me, all my worries disappear.
I love you because you find a way to make me feel special each and every day.
I love you because you are proud to be seen with me.
I love you because when I am irritable, you are forgiving.
I love you because you don't demand more of me than I can give you.
I love you because you are not indifferent to my love for you.
I love you because you indulge my romantic impulses.
I love you because you know how to say the difficult things without hurting my
feelings.
I love you because you always give me the benefit of the doubt.
I love you because even though time has changed me, you still find me attractive.
I love you because I know without a doubt that you love me, too.
I love you because when I need you, you try to comfort me.
I love you because you don't expect me to be everything to you.
I love you because when I want to talk, you are patient.
I love you because you have enriched my life in ways I never imagined.
I love you because you are careful with my tender spots.
I love you because I always have fun with you.
I love you because when I touch you, you touch me back.
I love you because I feel safe with you.
I love you because you always see the best in me.
I love you because you have helped me to better understand myself.
I love you because you have never tried to change who I am.
I love you because when I gave myself to you, I lost nothing.
I love you because you surprise me with little gifts.
I love you because you understand my needs.
I love you because you are my best friend.
I love you because even when you are angry with me, you are kind.
I love you because your affection soothes me.
I love you because you like to spoil me now and then.
I love you because when I can't sleep, you rub my back.
I love you because with you I have a profound sense of belonging.
I love you because when I look into your eyes, I see your love for me.
I love you because when we spend time together you are never distracted by something
more important.
I love you because when I reach for you, you move closer.
I love you because you never fail to consider my feelings.
I love you because you like to sleep like spoons.
I love you because without you my life would be less than it has become.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
When people tell us how we are, how we do, or what we should do,they practice a dangerous kind of sorcery...Patricia Evans
"To control is to act to effect an outcome, generally by means of restraint,physical, or verbal, with regard to self, others, or the world around us"...One of the hardest things for us to do, especially in the context of our relationships is to surrender and give up control of our partners feelings, beliefs, actions, and attitude. Giving up control and allowing others to be who there are is difficult, in large part, because we associate control with security...and...when we don't feel a sense of control we most often don't feel secure...but...while control may have its proper place in many aspects of our lives controlling our mates and partners will bring certain frustration, tension and perhaps even death of the relationship, sooner, if not later. Love must in the end be given freely without control on our part via manipulation, shame, guilt or fear. We must give each other space and we must allow our partners to pursue their own talents, desires, friendships, hobbies, careers,hopes and dreams. I don't mean to imply that we all live separate individual lives because if we are in a committed relationship "all our choices" should take into consideration the feelings and desires of our partners and we shouldn't take lightly doing anything that might bring about significant pain to our partners. I also don't mean to imply that if our partners are making choices which hurt us or our families we should simply passively sit by. It is "O.K." to speak up and communicate our own feelings and desires and we must not forget that "we" do always have the option to leave our relationships or to temporarily separate if we can no longer live with the pain of the choices of our partners.
It is also important to remember the potential fruits of surrendering the control of our relationships. When a person is given space and freedom to choose to love us it is more likely their love will be authentic because it is less likely be influenced by fear/guilt, etc. Not that it is wrong to love with a sense of obligation to the relationship but fear and other forms of manipulation, imo, are more likely to squelch love and create an undercurrent of resentment on the part of the partner who is being manipulated whether he/she is consciously or unconsciously aware of what is going on...and...another thing to consider...People who feel a need to control often act out of deep seated insecurities and they need our compassion and understanding, particularly if they are someone we deeply love.
"To control is to act to effect an outcome, generally by means of restraint,physical, or verbal, with regard to self, others, or the world around us"...One of the hardest things for us to do, especially in the context of our relationships is to surrender and give up control of our partners feelings, beliefs, actions, and attitude. Giving up control and allowing others to be who there are is difficult, in large part, because we associate control with security...and...when we don't feel a sense of control we most often don't feel secure...but...while control may have its proper place in many aspects of our lives controlling our mates and partners will bring certain frustration, tension and perhaps even death of the relationship, sooner, if not later. Love must in the end be given freely without control on our part via manipulation, shame, guilt or fear. We must give each other space and we must allow our partners to pursue their own talents, desires, friendships, hobbies, careers,hopes and dreams. I don't mean to imply that we all live separate individual lives because if we are in a committed relationship "all our choices" should take into consideration the feelings and desires of our partners and we shouldn't take lightly doing anything that might bring about significant pain to our partners. I also don't mean to imply that if our partners are making choices which hurt us or our families we should simply passively sit by. It is "O.K." to speak up and communicate our own feelings and desires and we must not forget that "we" do always have the option to leave our relationships or to temporarily separate if we can no longer live with the pain of the choices of our partners.
It is also important to remember the potential fruits of surrendering the control of our relationships. When a person is given space and freedom to choose to love us it is more likely their love will be authentic because it is less likely be influenced by fear/guilt, etc. Not that it is wrong to love with a sense of obligation to the relationship but fear and other forms of manipulation, imo, are more likely to squelch love and create an undercurrent of resentment on the part of the partner who is being manipulated whether he/she is consciously or unconsciously aware of what is going on...and...another thing to consider...People who feel a need to control often act out of deep seated insecurities and they need our compassion and understanding, particularly if they are someone we deeply love.
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