In their book 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, psychotherapists Linda and Charlie Bloom share some practical advise which they hope will help make love and relationships last. I am generally not one to propose formulas or too specific directions regarding relationships but I did like many of their practical suggestions and would like to pass along a few of their suggestions along with the ideas of some of my other favorite authors in a series I will simply call, Things I Wish I Knew.

1. I wish I knew that "Great relationships don't just happen; they are created."
Oh sure, everyone knows that relationships require work, attention, and a
significant amount of sweat and tears but during the initial romance phase which
sometimes can last for six months or longer we often trick ourselves into
thinking that "maybe" this relationship will be immune from the trials and
tribulations of other relationships...so...when we are eventually hit between the
eyes with our first "real" challenge significant doubts can and most often arise
and our initial inclination may be to bail out of the ship. Acknowledging and
understanding that "all" relationships are challenging and require our time and
attention will not make it any easier but it may help us from losing our nerve
as we face the ongoing challenges and ups and downs of all relationships.

Here are a couple of related thoughts from Thomas Moore's book Soulmates

Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.

If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.


2. I wish I knew that Growing up in a happy family doesn't ensure a good marriage
and growing up in unhappy family doesn't preclude having one. This is encouraging
news for those of us who may not have had a particular happy childhood and may
have accepted the assumption that one cannot escape one's past. For some time I
have believed that our greatest weakness can potentially become our greatest
strengths. I suspect good marriages can be achieved by those who come from
challenging pasts because we know existentially what it is like to grow up in
a highly dysfunctional family and we are "determined" to do whatever it may take
to avoid experiencing the emotional pain associated with growing up in a unhappy
home. Motivation and desire may not solve all our relationship problems and it
may not trump good advise or wisdom but it can potentially take us a long way.