It's been over four months since I posted anything here on this blog but I feel inspired to start posting here again on a more regular basis. Most of my previous posts on this particular blog have been quotes from some of my favorite authors who write about relationships. This time I am going to post more of my thoughts, feelings, and musings about relationships. I have been pondering lately about my relationship experiences and I hope to share some of my thoughts here for anyone's consideration who might happens to wander into this space.
Here is my first thought. Many people are looking for love or a mate but if we lose sight of first being a good partner than we are putting the cart before the horse aren't we? If one can master what is means to be a good partner and how to love others than finding a partner or a mate will take care of itself.
About Me
- Bilbo
- This blog is dedicated to those interested in exploring relationships. It was created both for those who are either married or single. What is posted here reflects my own exploration into the nature and essence of interpersonal relationships over the past eight years.
6 comments:
What if you are being a good partner and that doesn't seem to be enough for the other person? Or it doesn't make the difference?
I look forward to you writing more Bill. :) Julie
Julie,
I know by own experience how painful this can be Julie. I have spent a significant amount of time in counseling and reflecting on "how" to be a better partner yet all the hard work I have put in hasn't been enough to sustain a long term relationship and Lord knows I have been trying. Regarding your first question...I have come to the conclusion that none of us can ever be enough for our partners which is why I think we all need to be realistic regarding our relationships. This conclusion also implies that we all need to supplement our lives with other relationships, interests, perhaps counseling, and a regular personal spiritual discipline routine that will help meet some of our deepest emotional and spiritual needs. I am not asserting any particular set of religious practices and only suggest an individual routine which meets ones particular needs. Regarding your second question...While I believe we have an obligation to our partners to be sensitive to their deepest needs/ wants and do what we can in terms of our own particular limitations our partners also have an obligation to take care of themselves and not expect that we meet many of their deepest needs. Even then, in the end, all our hard work and effort may not be enough, as your comments suggest. So, at this point it seems from where I stand that we either accept our fate with our partners and the limitations of our particular relationship or we leave the relationship and move on. Either way, the road forward is going to be difficult and painful. I wish it wasn't so, but this does seem to be the potential plight of us all.
I remember hearing about how difficult is is to have a successful business partnership. I think that it is even harder to have a successful social partnership.
For a partnership to succeed in either realm I think that there needs to be a common understanding and communication about the partnership.
In premarital counseling I usually focused on three main skills:
1) communication - nobody knows how to really listen
2) conflict resolution - Christians in particular really do not know how to fight.
3) money - it seriously is the root of all sort of evil :)
4) expectations - especially in young couples I would usually have to deal with unrealistic expectations.
Yikes.. did I start a list.. sorry about that.. just got carried away.. here endeth the comment :)
Hi Bob,
Some good practical advise. Of course, practicing any advise or good idea is always a challenge.
You wrote:
1) communication - nobody knows how to really listen
Bill: I totally agree and have had to learn this lesson the hard way.
You continued:
2) conflict resolution -
Christians in particular really do not know how to fight.
Bill: And the problem is compounded, imo, by the fact that our society and pop culture do not encourage or provide positive models or examples of conflict resolution. You know the old saying...Fight first, ask questions later.
You wrote:
3) money - it seriously is the root of all sort of evil :)
Bill: I am going to skip over this one because this has never been a huge problem in all my relationships but I agree it is a serious problem.
You wrote:
4) expectations - especially in young couples I would usually have to deal with unrealistic expectations.
Bill: This one is tough. On the one hand we don't want to lower our expectations too low and thus settle for almost anyone or put up with almost anything... but on the other hand... unrealistic expectations can lead to disillusionment which can severely cripple a relationship. It's paradox...
Hey Bill..
About #4.. ever wonder about the "biblical" expectations that we foist on each other?
..my husband will 'love' me like Jesus
..my wife will 'obey' me like I am Jesus
LOL.. I am sometimes amazed that any marriages survive :)
Bob,
I sometimes wonder if all those marriage seminars I went to did more harm than good because of the unrealistic expectations they created and the cookie cutter advice they more often than not provided...
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