We all fear abandonment and engulfment to one degree or another or at a particular time in our relationships. But, some live almost in constant fear of either abandonment or engulfment to the point where it threatens their ability to sustain a healthy relationship. So, how does one live with these conditions and how does one love a person who may bear such a burden? Let's start with the person who fears abandonment/neglect. People who fear abandonment and neglect need attention and acceptance but that doesn't mean around the clock attention and "unconditional" acceptance. In fact, unless the individual has suffered serious abandonment trauma in the past touching base here and there and normal day to day attention may be enough to satisfy their need. Since the abandonment partner probably hasn't experienced quality ongoing contact or intimacy it often doesn't take much to meet their need for closeness. Frequency, even in very short intervals, is probably more important than lengthy or sustained periods of contact. A short phone call or email when apart and brief interludes of contact when together will generally do the trick...but...it is critically important to remember that failure keep in some kind of contact, especially when apart, can potentially traumatize or create a sense of terror in someone who has been neglected or abandoned. I once knew a man whose wife and children went on a road trip with her parents for a month. They left without telling the man "exactly" where they were going to stay and didn't even call him until ten days out and never called again after the initial contact. The guy was absolutely traumatized. It is also important to remember that the partner who fears abandonment needs to work, explore and learn to live with their condition and fear of being alone. This is not a one way arrangement and both partners need to work together so that neither partner will have to bear full responsibility for the insecurities related to abandonment issues.

The fear of engulfment can be summed up as being afraid of allowing someone to get too close out of fear of losing oneself. This can be a serious problem because people who fear engulfment will do almost anything to relieve the fear, even if it means pushing away their partner who they love. So, how does one live or have a relationship with someone who fears engulfment? It is a natural tendency for most of us to pursue a loved one who leaves or strays, at least initially, but pursuit is generally the worst thing one can do with a partner who fears engulfment. Pursuit is a dead end because it will increase the fear and thus influence a partner to escalate their efforts to get away. They need space, so give it to them. Stand at a distance...be a witness. This is not about you so don't take their need for space and distance personally...also, don't try to fix, change, solve or rescue them. Give up the idea that we have any magical powers over them or their situation. We do not...And, most important, allow them to be scared...and...hopefully by appearing non-threatening one might disarm their beloved to open their heart for the healing they so desperately need. If you are the one who fears engulfment you too will need to work on befriending your fears without resorting to pushing your partner away.If need space ask for space but don't run or push your partner away...and...don't be afraid to share with your partner that you are afraid. We all are afraid and most partners will be willing to share the burdens that you feel. And, remember, our partners are our potential greatest resource for healing and we don't have to face our fears alone. Finally, people who fear abandonment and engulfment need our compassion and love...and...One can only imagine the level of emotional pain one must have experienced to get to the point where one fears the love of others. In conclusion, the only antidote to fear is love, so open yourself to love even if you have been deeply hurt in the past. It is the only way one can achieve the healing that is so desperately needed by so many of us.