Friday, February 13, 2009
1. Does Valentine’s Day ever live up to anyone’s expectations?...I personally haven't experienced anything particularly bad on Valentine's Day but I also don’t remember any knock your socks off happenings either. I think I am due for a rock em sock em light and laser show.
2. Valentine Day cards were originally handwritten and gained popularity during the
Revolutionary War. I wonder why it took a war to get us all aboard the love boat once and for all.
3. American’s are expected to spend an average of 103 dollars on Valentine gifts this year and 14.7 billion nationwide. I don’t ever remember spending that much on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm, maybe that is why I am still single.
4. Men buy about 75 percent of the flower’s each year which means women buy the other 25 percent. I don’t ever remember getting any flowers, ever. What’s up with that?
5. During the Victorian Era several countries banned Valentine Day’s cards and the
city of Chicago rejected 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were indecent. But, in the end even the prudish Victorians couldn’t trump the power of love.
6. The Hallmark card company currently has over 1300 different Valentine’s Day
cards. No wonder it is so difficult to pick just the right card.
7. It is estimated that over 50 percent of men do not make any “specific” plans for
Valentine’s Day. Shame on those men who are not pulling their weight. It makes the rest us who are busting our butts to make our women happy look bad.
8. According to one website teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. I don’t believe this statistic to be true. I am a high school teacher and I haven’t received a single Valentine Day’s card for years…and…I am single, good looking, charming, and super intelligent. Well, maybe two out of four. I’ll let you try and guess which two.
9. This year it is estimated that 14 couples are going to tie the knot on the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Just be careful and don’t forget what happened to King Kong and his sweetheart when they decided to rendezvous on the top of the Empire State building. And, if you do hear the sound of airplanes during the ceremony don’t stand up and beat your chest…duck…
10. During the Middle Ages single women would eat unusual foods on Valentine’s
Day to have a dream about their future husband. Now, they subscribe to
E-Harmony because they don’t want to leave anything to chance.
2. Valentine Day cards were originally handwritten and gained popularity during the
Revolutionary War. I wonder why it took a war to get us all aboard the love boat once and for all.
3. American’s are expected to spend an average of 103 dollars on Valentine gifts this year and 14.7 billion nationwide. I don’t ever remember spending that much on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm, maybe that is why I am still single.
4. Men buy about 75 percent of the flower’s each year which means women buy the other 25 percent. I don’t ever remember getting any flowers, ever. What’s up with that?
5. During the Victorian Era several countries banned Valentine Day’s cards and the
city of Chicago rejected 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were indecent. But, in the end even the prudish Victorians couldn’t trump the power of love.
6. The Hallmark card company currently has over 1300 different Valentine’s Day
cards. No wonder it is so difficult to pick just the right card.
7. It is estimated that over 50 percent of men do not make any “specific” plans for
Valentine’s Day. Shame on those men who are not pulling their weight. It makes the rest us who are busting our butts to make our women happy look bad.
8. According to one website teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. I don’t believe this statistic to be true. I am a high school teacher and I haven’t received a single Valentine Day’s card for years…and…I am single, good looking, charming, and super intelligent. Well, maybe two out of four. I’ll let you try and guess which two.
9. This year it is estimated that 14 couples are going to tie the knot on the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Just be careful and don’t forget what happened to King Kong and his sweetheart when they decided to rendezvous on the top of the Empire State building. And, if you do hear the sound of airplanes during the ceremony don’t stand up and beat your chest…duck…
10. During the Middle Ages single women would eat unusual foods on Valentine’s
Day to have a dream about their future husband. Now, they subscribe to
E-Harmony because they don’t want to leave anything to chance.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Due to the recent economic meltdown I suspect more people are going to stay in this year so I have put together a list of movies for this special occasion. Since most people have seen the usual suspects like Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, Whose Got Mail, Pretty Woman, etc. I have decided to put together a list of films that might fly under most people’s radar because they aren’t as well known as some of the heavy hitters or they are just fun films which blend well with the spirit of the holiday. If you are going to watch a film with your loved one this year you might want to check out one of these films if you are looking for something a bit out of the mainstream.
1.At the top of my list is a film called The Truth About Cats and Dogs. This film is a romantic comedy which stars Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I confess I am obsessed with Garofalo therefore I forfeit any claim to objectivity but this is a quirky, offbeat film that is funny and appealing to those of us who like to root for the underdog.
2.The Disney classic Beauty and the Beast is my all-time favorite Disney movie. I just love everything about this film, the story, the colors, the music, and the underlying message that love is transformational and conquers all in the end.
3.Phenomenon staring John Travolta might, at first glance, not seem like a likely candidate for Valentine’s Day but this film is a powerful film which touches me on a deep level and the love that is shared between Travolta and his girlfriend always brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
4.When a Man Loves a Woman starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan is a realistic portrayal about the ups and downs of married life and the sacrificial love exhibited by Garcia’s character is a reminder to us all of a deep love that is as important as romantic love.
5.Jerry McGuire starring the trio of Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was a popular comedy with heart. Cuba Gooding was a riot, Cruise was, well Cruise, and Zellweger was convincing enough to tug on my heart strings…and…I loved the ending. Maybe love can last forever.
6.Shadowlands which stars Debra Winger and Anthony Hopkins is a true “unexpected” love story between C.S. Lewis, the famous British writer, and an American woman named Joy Davidson. The deep love that develops and grows over time between these two lovers reminds us that love can develop anytime, any place, and is not limited to our conventional wisdom regarding what a good match might look like.
7.If you are not in a serious, particularly romantic mood, than you might want to check out A Knights Tale. This is just a fun film which grabbed me at the beginning with Queen’s We Will Rock You. It’s a love story at heart but it’s a fun wild ride along the way and one of my favorite Heath Ledger movies.
8.Wall-E is the latest and maybe greatest Pixar movie to date. While we generally associate Pixar films with Saturday afternoon kiddie shows this film is in it’s essence a love story that any adult with a open heart will benefit from seeing.
9.If you up for a romantic musical journey than check out Across the Universe. Set to the music of the Beatles this love story was well worth the ten bucks I paid to see it during prime time. While I don’t remember too much about the overall storyline I do remember it made an impression on me and I intend to see it again soon.
10.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the only film I have yet to see and I am including it on this list because “my sources on the street” recommended this film highly. It stars Jim Carey and Kate Winslet if one is looking for something really different from one of Hollywood’s most unique real life comic book characters than you might want to give this film a look. I intend to do so soon.
1.At the top of my list is a film called The Truth About Cats and Dogs. This film is a romantic comedy which stars Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I confess I am obsessed with Garofalo therefore I forfeit any claim to objectivity but this is a quirky, offbeat film that is funny and appealing to those of us who like to root for the underdog.
2.The Disney classic Beauty and the Beast is my all-time favorite Disney movie. I just love everything about this film, the story, the colors, the music, and the underlying message that love is transformational and conquers all in the end.
3.Phenomenon staring John Travolta might, at first glance, not seem like a likely candidate for Valentine’s Day but this film is a powerful film which touches me on a deep level and the love that is shared between Travolta and his girlfriend always brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
4.When a Man Loves a Woman starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan is a realistic portrayal about the ups and downs of married life and the sacrificial love exhibited by Garcia’s character is a reminder to us all of a deep love that is as important as romantic love.
5.Jerry McGuire starring the trio of Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was a popular comedy with heart. Cuba Gooding was a riot, Cruise was, well Cruise, and Zellweger was convincing enough to tug on my heart strings…and…I loved the ending. Maybe love can last forever.
6.Shadowlands which stars Debra Winger and Anthony Hopkins is a true “unexpected” love story between C.S. Lewis, the famous British writer, and an American woman named Joy Davidson. The deep love that develops and grows over time between these two lovers reminds us that love can develop anytime, any place, and is not limited to our conventional wisdom regarding what a good match might look like.
7.If you are not in a serious, particularly romantic mood, than you might want to check out A Knights Tale. This is just a fun film which grabbed me at the beginning with Queen’s We Will Rock You. It’s a love story at heart but it’s a fun wild ride along the way and one of my favorite Heath Ledger movies.
8.Wall-E is the latest and maybe greatest Pixar movie to date. While we generally associate Pixar films with Saturday afternoon kiddie shows this film is in it’s essence a love story that any adult with a open heart will benefit from seeing.
9.If you up for a romantic musical journey than check out Across the Universe. Set to the music of the Beatles this love story was well worth the ten bucks I paid to see it during prime time. While I don’t remember too much about the overall storyline I do remember it made an impression on me and I intend to see it again soon.
10.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the only film I have yet to see and I am including it on this list because “my sources on the street” recommended this film highly. It stars Jim Carey and Kate Winslet if one is looking for something really different from one of Hollywood’s most unique real life comic book characters than you might want to give this film a look. I intend to do so soon.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Maintaining an ongoing relationship with almost anyone over a long period of time is a one of the biggest challenges in life especially at this time in history when our culture on so many different levels does not offer the kind of supportive structure that is conducive for healthy individual and family relationships to flourish. Sure, our bookstores are filled with books on relationships and if you have insurance one can always go into marriage or family counseling but in my opinion these are the last line of defense. By the time most people resort to resorting to such actions there generally has been a significant amount of damage already done. Relationships are complex and I don’t want to suggest that there are any easy answers but there are some things that we can all “try” to practice on a regular basis. I call these activities damage control. These activities will not save anyone’s marriage nor do they touch the heart and soul of our interpersonal relationships…but… but if practiced on a regular basis here and there perhaps they might just help us from wounding each other to the point where the emotional pain prevents us from being able to reflect and process our situations clearly. So, here is a list of actions that I believe undermine our interpersonal relationships and should be avoided at all costs.
1.Criticize your partner in public
2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.
3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.
4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.
5.Unrealistic expectations.
6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.
7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.
8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.
9.Trying to change your partner.
10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship
11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.
12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.
13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.
14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.
15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.
1.Criticize your partner in public
2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.
3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.
4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.
5.Unrealistic expectations.
6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.
7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.
8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.
9.Trying to change your partner.
10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship
11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.
12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.
13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.
14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.
15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.
Monday, February 9, 2009
In the previous blog entry I raised the possibility that there may be other forces at work which prevent us from providing the attention our relationships may need and deserve. In this blog post I am going to briefly take a look at just one of the factors that frequently and potentially may undermine our relationships. I use the word potentially because the individual nature of relationships doesn’t warrant a one shoe fits all approach to what makes a relationship work. I have seen and heard about relationships that would never work for me but apparently do for some. Heck, I have even heard about relationships working for people who live apart much of the year on opposite sides of the country. I’ll begin with one of the factors that is quite common and often goes under the radar when people are exploring why their own relationships are no longer providing the emotional and physical satisfaction they may have once experienced.
Workaholism---Because working hard and long hours is considered socially acceptable in this country, for the most part, this behavior doesn’t get the attention it needs in my opinion. I am not talking about working late from time to time but working long hours on a consistent basis or working so hard that you have no energy when you get home. If you question whether you fit into this category check the list at the bottom which contains some of the classic characteristics of a workaholic. Relationships require ongoing attention and if one or both partners become ships passing in the night or work so hard they have nothing to give at the end of the day, and emotional and physical needs go unmet, then it is generally only a matter of time until one or both of the partners may begin to drift, complain and nag each other.
Characteristics of workaholics
You talk about work all the time even when you are home.
You consistently choose work over family
You forget about non-work appointments and household tasks
You get anxious when you’re not working
You firmly believe that you can’t get it done right unless you do it yourself
You hide how much work you do
You take a lot of work home and do a lot of work at home even though you already spend more than eight hours a day at work
You choose to work on the week-ends frequently even though you are not required to.
You can’t shut your brain off from thinking about work and regularly can’t get to sleep at night.
You not only do not take time for your partner or family but you don’t take time to take care of yourself
You feel uneasy while on vacation and can’t wait to get back to work?
You communicate better with coworkers than with family and friends?
You associate success with hard work.
Your identity is primarily associated with your work and not with your marriage or family.
You frequently tell others how hard you work
Your emotional needs are almost exclusively met through your work and not your marriage/relationship and family.
Workaholism---Because working hard and long hours is considered socially acceptable in this country, for the most part, this behavior doesn’t get the attention it needs in my opinion. I am not talking about working late from time to time but working long hours on a consistent basis or working so hard that you have no energy when you get home. If you question whether you fit into this category check the list at the bottom which contains some of the classic characteristics of a workaholic. Relationships require ongoing attention and if one or both partners become ships passing in the night or work so hard they have nothing to give at the end of the day, and emotional and physical needs go unmet, then it is generally only a matter of time until one or both of the partners may begin to drift, complain and nag each other.
Characteristics of workaholics
You talk about work all the time even when you are home.
You consistently choose work over family
You forget about non-work appointments and household tasks
You get anxious when you’re not working
You firmly believe that you can’t get it done right unless you do it yourself
You hide how much work you do
You take a lot of work home and do a lot of work at home even though you already spend more than eight hours a day at work
You choose to work on the week-ends frequently even though you are not required to.
You can’t shut your brain off from thinking about work and regularly can’t get to sleep at night.
You not only do not take time for your partner or family but you don’t take time to take care of yourself
You feel uneasy while on vacation and can’t wait to get back to work?
You communicate better with coworkers than with family and friends?
You associate success with hard work.
Your identity is primarily associated with your work and not with your marriage or family.
You frequently tell others how hard you work
Your emotional needs are almost exclusively met through your work and not your marriage/relationship and family.
David Richo writes,
Behind every complaint in a relationship is a wish and heart desire for attention, allowance, acceptance, affirmation, or affection.
Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes. We need these to develop self esteem and a healthy ego.
Richo refers to these needs as the "five A's" in his book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" which is a book I recommend for a further exploration of how each of the five A's may manifest themselves in a relationships. Of course, simply identifying what may need to be done to improve our relationships is only one aspect of the relationship dance. If we aren't able or willing to do what we clearly know needs to be done than we may need to further explore why and what obstacles may be preventing us from providing our partners with the attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection they need and deserve.
Behind every complaint in a relationship is a wish and heart desire for attention, allowance, acceptance, affirmation, or affection.
Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes. We need these to develop self esteem and a healthy ego.
Richo refers to these needs as the "five A's" in his book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" which is a book I recommend for a further exploration of how each of the five A's may manifest themselves in a relationships. Of course, simply identifying what may need to be done to improve our relationships is only one aspect of the relationship dance. If we aren't able or willing to do what we clearly know needs to be done than we may need to further explore why and what obstacles may be preventing us from providing our partners with the attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection they need and deserve.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Here are a few more ponderings about love. These quotes are not intended to represent a definitive definition of what love is or isn't but rather to encourage us all to reflect on how we all give and receive love and please feel free to submit your own thoughts on the subject.
Love is being in a relationship based on equality and partnership. It’s not maintaining a subservient hierarchy.
Love is not controlling others.
Love is not constantly trying to rescue or fix others.
Love is not settling for too little in a relationship in an effort to protect one’s emotional security.
Love is not being a doormat to others.
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Love is like a campfire: It may be sparked quickly, and at first the kindling throws out a lot of heat, but it burns out quickly. For long lasting, steady warmth (with delightful bursts of intense heat from time to time), you must carefully tend the fire.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
Love is being stupid together
True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.
Love is being in a relationship based on equality and partnership. It’s not maintaining a subservient hierarchy.
Love is not controlling others.
Love is not constantly trying to rescue or fix others.
Love is not settling for too little in a relationship in an effort to protect one’s emotional security.
Love is not being a doormat to others.
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Love is like a campfire: It may be sparked quickly, and at first the kindling throws out a lot of heat, but it burns out quickly. For long lasting, steady warmth (with delightful bursts of intense heat from time to time), you must carefully tend the fire.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
Love is being stupid together
True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I don’t pretend to know the exact nature or meaning of love any better than the guy next door, after all, I am finite and love seems to infinite. In my readings over the past couple of years here are some of the more interesting comments I have stumbled across regarding the meaning and nature of love.
Love is not allowing or accepting others to define you.
Love is not beating or abusing oneself or others through actions or words.
Love is not “always” deferring one’s individual needs to others.
Love is not seeking the love or acceptance of others through neglecting oneself.
Love is not giving one’s heart to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable.
Love is cutting ties or surrendering to the death of a relationship that are not good for us.
Love is not staying in a relationship if the other person cannot or will not reciprocate or initiate love.
Love is not staying in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with us.
Love is telling others what you need or want in a relationship.
Love is not when you fall in love immediately with a new acquaintance.
Love is assigning boundaries to protect oneself.
Love is not being in one-sided relationships.
Love is not allowing or accepting others to define you.
Love is not beating or abusing oneself or others through actions or words.
Love is not “always” deferring one’s individual needs to others.
Love is not seeking the love or acceptance of others through neglecting oneself.
Love is not giving one’s heart to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable.
Love is cutting ties or surrendering to the death of a relationship that are not good for us.
Love is not staying in a relationship if the other person cannot or will not reciprocate or initiate love.
Love is not staying in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with us.
Love is telling others what you need or want in a relationship.
Love is not when you fall in love immediately with a new acquaintance.
Love is assigning boundaries to protect oneself.
Love is not being in one-sided relationships.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sam Keen writes: "Over the course of time a true love story will undergo constant revision in mood and mode. Because every enduring relationship is destined to confront the inevitable joys and sufferings of the human condition, the narrative of love can never end with a superficial “and they lived happily ever after.”…rather…It must be cast in all the classical forms in which stories are told---romance, tragedy, irony, and comedy. It will be a Technicolor take that includes longing, struggle, frustration, ecstasy, pleasure, pain, betrayal, fidelity, alienation, reconciliation, loneliness, communion, folly, wisdom, and every human emotion. So long as we remain in communion, we will always be in the process of co-authoring a never-ending story."
These comments by Keen pretty much speak for themselves. Of course, the real challenge is when the ongoing struggles, frustrations, pain, alienation and unfulfilled expectations, hopes and dreams of the marriage become seemingly never ending and the bliss, romance and ecstacy come to a screaching halt. What do we do then, try harder, go to counseling, resign ourselves to the possibility that things may never get better, or give up, try to cut one's losses an simply walk away. If one has been married for a long time one may experience doing all these things at one time or another. On this particular day I have no answers, no words of hope, only the memory that effort, prayer, and time are sometimes not enough. We live in an imperfect world, we are imperfect people and thus our relationships are imperfect. But the paradox is that love never dies even when our relationships fail. It just comes back at another time when we often least expect it.
I'll close with some more thoughts by Sam Keen, "A Love story is likely to be more a saga of an ongoing wrestling match than a description of a perfectly graceful dance---the harmonics of love emerge from clash—come together—move apart—clash---come together—move apart—clash—come together—move apart infinitum. In the background of love one can detect the clanging of armor"
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thomas Moore writes, "Continuous exposure to the arts is one of the best ways to prepare ourselves for relationship, much better than relying entirely on the psychological approach to life…Through immersion in the arts, our reflection on life becomes larger, so that when we are confronted with the challenges of relationship we will have a rich imagination to bring to them and the ability to think poetically."
This is one of the more interesting and potentially profound statements I have come across in my years of reading about relationships and I believe there is a lot of wisdom in what Moore has to say here. Over the years I have read my fair share of relationship books and attended a significant number of marriage counseling sessions which more often than not, mixed results. As I have gotten older I gradually find myself relying more on my intuition and my imagination particularly when it comes to problem solving and other issues in my interpersonal relationships. While I can't claim perfection in my dealing with others I have discovered that creative solutions or proposals often help to diffuse gridlock and open up conversation in a way that is often absent when one is hunkered down in lock down principles and absolutist positions.
This is one of the more interesting and potentially profound statements I have come across in my years of reading about relationships and I believe there is a lot of wisdom in what Moore has to say here. Over the years I have read my fair share of relationship books and attended a significant number of marriage counseling sessions which more often than not, mixed results. As I have gotten older I gradually find myself relying more on my intuition and my imagination particularly when it comes to problem solving and other issues in my interpersonal relationships. While I can't claim perfection in my dealing with others I have discovered that creative solutions or proposals often help to diffuse gridlock and open up conversation in a way that is often absent when one is hunkered down in lock down principles and absolutist positions.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sam Keen writes: "Different types of people express love in different ways. The native tongue of love may be: sharing ideas, fixing the washer, sending roses, listening, touching, or providing money for college. There are long- distance and short-distance lovers, those who thrive on solitude and occasional closeness and those who love best when they are engulfed in wall-to-wall intimacy. There are celibate lovers and those who are outrageously carnal, passionate intellectuals and great sensualists. Persons who approach the world primarily through thinking and analysis will express love in a different way from those for whom sensing and feeling are prime. Introverts and extroverts, receptive and aggressive individuals, will naturally specialize in different elements of love. How much duller the diamond would be without its many facets."
I wish I had known this about twenty years ago. So many of us are socialized and experience love in fairly narrow terms growing up and when our partners or mates don't live up to our particular expectation of what love should look like, as we have come to understand it, than we are often prone to feeling hurt and rejected. Love is bigger than any individual imagination and as we grow in our understanding of how love can potentially be expressed is so many ways than our gratitude will expand towards God, ourselves, and our partners.
Monday, February 2, 2009
In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude…Thomas Moore
Some partners feel threatened whenever their partner either explicitly or implicitly seeks space or time away. While too much time apart can potentially be a stumbling block to intimacy and the overall health of the relationship, time apart need not be interpreted as a threat to the relationship but rather an opportunity for our relationship and the needs of our soul to expand itself beyond our individual limitations. I am not suggesting we seek solace in the arms of another but am suggesting that we may find nurturing powers within ourselves which sometimes can only be discovered during times of individual solitude. While our partners are a potential wellspring where our souls drink on a regular basis no partner can adequately meet all our deepest needs and therefore we should never place on our partners the burden of meeting all our needs.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
How much should I sacrifice of my time, priorities, my interests, my energy, my money to care for others? When does self-sacrifice become a form of self-negation....If I neglect the cultivation of my gifts, the nurturing of my deepest needs and the enjoyment of those pleasures that tickle my peculiar fancy...it is unlikely that my caring for others will spring from the bounty of my being. Whenever we abandon our personal sense of vocation...we....place enormous burden on others to justify the sacrifice we have made "for their sake". The only rule of thumb I know is: Avoid either/or, embrace both/and...Develop those modes of caring that allow you to love both self and others...The quantity of human need is finite, but our ability to offer care is finite. Each of us has limited resources, time, energy, and attention to give to others....Sam Keen
If we forget or cannot accept that we and our partners are limited in terms of how much time, attention, and care we can provide for each other than we may project guilt,shame, and unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and our partners...and...no one can fill the void that we all have from time to time or to one degree or another which is why we all need to learn to nurture our own soul and be careful to not demand that our partners be something they were never created to be. And, let us always show gratitude when our partners do enrich our souls with their love and reciprocate it as often as possible.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
If we believe that the deepest satisfaction possible in life comes from loving and being loved, we need to redeem the notion of care and understand its relationship to the other elements of love. Love without care is reduced to a trivial sentiment or a momentary lust. Sam Keen
All showing care requires is a little bit of time, effort, and imagination which can be a challenge in our busy schedules but the potential rewards are huge if it results in our partners feeling loved.
All showing care requires is a little bit of time, effort, and imagination which can be a challenge in our busy schedules but the potential rewards are huge if it results in our partners feeling loved.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My conversation with Julie in my previous post reminded me of a couple of quotes by Sam Keen from his books "Fire in the Belly" and "To love and be Loved"
There are two questions we must ask ourselves. The first is, where am I going and the second is who will go with me. If we ever get these questions in the wrong order then we are in trouble...and...How do I choose my rightful partner before I ask how do I become a loving person the result will be disaster because I will fail to focus my attention on acquiring and developing the skills necessary for becoming a loving human being. First cultivate a life filled with compassion and passion will be added to it. Search only for great passion and you will finally despair of life.
There are two questions we must ask ourselves. The first is, where am I going and the second is who will go with me. If we ever get these questions in the wrong order then we are in trouble...and...How do I choose my rightful partner before I ask how do I become a loving person the result will be disaster because I will fail to focus my attention on acquiring and developing the skills necessary for becoming a loving human being. First cultivate a life filled with compassion and passion will be added to it. Search only for great passion and you will finally despair of life.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It's been over four months since I posted anything here on this blog but I feel inspired to start posting here again on a more regular basis. Most of my previous posts on this particular blog have been quotes from some of my favorite authors who write about relationships. This time I am going to post more of my thoughts, feelings, and musings about relationships. I have been pondering lately about my relationship experiences and I hope to share some of my thoughts here for anyone's consideration who might happens to wander into this space.
Here is my first thought. Many people are looking for love or a mate but if we lose sight of first being a good partner than we are putting the cart before the horse aren't we? If one can master what is means to be a good partner and how to love others than finding a partner or a mate will take care of itself.
Here is my first thought. Many people are looking for love or a mate but if we lose sight of first being a good partner than we are putting the cart before the horse aren't we? If one can master what is means to be a good partner and how to love others than finding a partner or a mate will take care of itself.
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