Maintaining an ongoing relationship with almost anyone over a long period of time is a one of the biggest challenges in life especially at this time in history when our culture on so many different levels does not offer the kind of supportive structure that is conducive for healthy individual and family relationships to flourish. Sure, our bookstores are filled with books on relationships and if you have insurance one can always go into marriage or family counseling but in my opinion these are the last line of defense. By the time most people resort to resorting to such actions there generally has been a significant amount of damage already done. Relationships are complex and I don’t want to suggest that there are any easy answers but there are some things that we can all “try” to practice on a regular basis. I call these activities damage control. These activities will not save anyone’s marriage nor do they touch the heart and soul of our interpersonal relationships…but… but if practiced on a regular basis here and there perhaps they might just help us from wounding each other to the point where the emotional pain prevents us from being able to reflect and process our situations clearly. So, here is a list of actions that I believe undermine our interpersonal relationships and should be avoided at all costs.


1.Criticize your partner in public

2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.

3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.

4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.

5.Unrealistic expectations.

6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.

7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.

8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.

9.Trying to change your partner.

10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship

11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.

12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.

13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.

14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.

15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.