Ordinary human love is always relative, never consistently absolute. Like the weather, relative love is in continual dynamic flux. It is forever rising and subsiding, waxing and waning, changing shape and intensity…thus…relationships continually oscillate between finding common ground and having that ground slip as their differences pull them in different directions…being tossed by shifting tides of memories, expectations, and wounds from the past. The oscillation between lovers…the ups and downs, is only a problem when and if we expect it to be otherwise, when we imagine that love and the emotions associated with feeling loved should manifest itself as a linear straight steady state. That kind of expectation prevents us from appreciating the special gift that relative love does have to offer: Personal intimacy and the sharing of who we are in our distinctiveness.

This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.

New Kinds of Kisses

Everyone loves, but not in a way we might recognize if our version of love is based on how we show, want, or remember it from our past. In other words,to be good lovers requires an openness to new brands of kisses.

I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?

We all need, want, and desire love

" We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it. Suppressing or denying desire shuts down our openness to receiving nourishment, and thus only intensifies our hunger…Perhaps if we could make friends with our desire to want love we might find that our wanting itself is holy. We want love, after all, because we intuitively know that it can free us from the prison of the isolated self, allowing us to feel connected and at one with all of life..and…what is so bad about wanting that?"

I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.

Maintaining the Balance

Couples feel they are loved when they feel genuinely held, that is, when their partners provide both warm contact and gentle space that lets them be…Contact involves meeting, seeing, touching, attunement, connection, and care…Partners also need to be given space---room to be, themselves. Contact without space can become intrusive, claustrophobic, smothering….and when partners fail to provide this spaciousness, their partner feels smothered and controlled…then…they are vulnerable to become overly oriented towards pleasing their partner and fitting into their partners designs and plans, thus losing touch with their own sense of being. And, when a partner does not provide warm emotional contact, then their partner may experience feelings of loss, neglect or abandonment.

The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.