Monday, June 13, 2011
When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery—that intimate relationships can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred place where we can be ourselves, as we are..and…speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, revealing our raw edges and unmasking ourselves is a type of sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.
Revealing ourselves with full disclosure is so hard for most of us because we don't always respond to each other with full acceptance or grace. Thus, we often hide or withhold information about ourselves to our partners...but...when we hide who we really are, warts and all, than we forfeit the potential opportunity to experience healing from our partners. There are no easy answers to this dilemma. All I can think to do is to strive to model forgiveness, acceptance, and grace to our partners and "hope" this will encourage them to reciprocate. And, if both partners can do this on a regular basis than our relationships can provide a healing sanctuary that we all need and deserve.
Revealing ourselves with full disclosure is so hard for most of us because we don't always respond to each other with full acceptance or grace. Thus, we often hide or withhold information about ourselves to our partners...but...when we hide who we really are, warts and all, than we forfeit the potential opportunity to experience healing from our partners. There are no easy answers to this dilemma. All I can think to do is to strive to model forgiveness, acceptance, and grace to our partners and "hope" this will encourage them to reciprocate. And, if both partners can do this on a regular basis than our relationships can provide a healing sanctuary that we all need and deserve.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love, we may neglect our life’s duties and obligations…to be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions…and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love.
I believe there are two common mistakes made by individuals and our society at large regarding romantic love. One is to overemphasize the importance and role of romantic love in a relationship and the other is to underestimate it's significance. When we over estimate the role of romantic love we set ourselves up for potential disillusionment down the road when strong emotional feelings are bound to waver and subside after the early infatuation stage which is a part of all relationships. And, when we downplay it's importance we do so at the peril of missing out or at least experiencing the full potential of the romantic experience which, as the author of this quote suggests,is as important to the other aspects of love. So, the implications are that we need not pit romance against the other critically important aspects of love, nor should we elevate it to a higher status which cannot be maintained during the course of any normal healthy relationship.
I believe there are two common mistakes made by individuals and our society at large regarding romantic love. One is to overemphasize the importance and role of romantic love in a relationship and the other is to underestimate it's significance. When we over estimate the role of romantic love we set ourselves up for potential disillusionment down the road when strong emotional feelings are bound to waver and subside after the early infatuation stage which is a part of all relationships. And, when we downplay it's importance we do so at the peril of missing out or at least experiencing the full potential of the romantic experience which, as the author of this quote suggests,is as important to the other aspects of love. So, the implications are that we need not pit romance against the other critically important aspects of love, nor should we elevate it to a higher status which cannot be maintained during the course of any normal healthy relationship.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Ordinary human love is always relative, never consistently absolute. Like the weather, relative love is in continual dynamic flux. It is forever rising and subsiding, waxing and waning, changing shape and intensity…thus…relationships continually oscillate between finding common ground and having that ground slip as their differences pull them in different directions…being tossed by shifting tides of memories, expectations, and wounds from the past. The oscillation between lovers…the ups and downs, is only a problem when and if we expect it to be otherwise, when we imagine that love and the emotions associated with feeling loved should manifest itself as a linear straight steady state. That kind of expectation prevents us from appreciating the special gift that relative love does have to offer: Personal intimacy and the sharing of who we are in our distinctiveness.
This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.
This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.
Everyone loves, but not in a way we might recognize if our version of love is based on how we show, want, or remember it from our past. In other words,to be good lovers requires an openness to new brands of kisses.
I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?
I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
" We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it. Suppressing or denying desire shuts down our openness to receiving nourishment, and thus only intensifies our hunger…Perhaps if we could make friends with our desire to want love we might find that our wanting itself is holy. We want love, after all, because we intuitively know that it can free us from the prison of the isolated self, allowing us to feel connected and at one with all of life..and…what is so bad about wanting that?"
I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.
I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Couples feel they are loved when they feel genuinely held, that is, when their partners provide both warm contact and gentle space that lets them be…Contact involves meeting, seeing, touching, attunement, connection, and care…Partners also need to be given space---room to be, themselves. Contact without space can become intrusive, claustrophobic, smothering….and when partners fail to provide this spaciousness, their partner feels smothered and controlled…then…they are vulnerable to become overly oriented towards pleasing their partner and fitting into their partners designs and plans, thus losing touch with their own sense of being. And, when a partner does not provide warm emotional contact, then their partner may experience feelings of loss, neglect or abandonment.
The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.
The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
"Disillusionment with our relationships can potentially offer a glimpse of certain truths that can help mobilize ourselves and move us beyond feeling depressed or despaired. No one else can save us from feeling alone or the wounds of our past. Intimate relationships cannot in themselves heal the basic ache of being a separate individual. No one else can provide all the healing love, security, or nurturance we hope and dream of...therefore, it is futile to seek from others the confidence we lack or the love won't provide for ourselves. Painful as these realities are they help ground us in reality and give us a path that we need to connect to ourselves more deeply and develop our own strength and confidence instead of waiting for others to bring these qualities into our lives"
This is a quote from John Welwood's book Journey of the Heart. Many of the quotes featured here are from this book or one of his two other books, Love and Awakening and Imperfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. I like and appreciate Welwood's books because he not only offers what I consider a more honest and realistic view of relationships but his writings challenge us as individuals to dig deeper and offer an optimistic interpretation of the emotional pain which is associated with all human relationships.
Friday, February 25, 2011
"While the play and experience of intimacy often generates sparks of curiosity and passion, it also ensures that intimacy can only be intermittent at best. Intimate moments, in which we make contact across the great divide of our differences, are just that--moments--rather than a consistent, steady flow...At its best two people can appreciate and enjoy each other in midst of their differences. At its worst, however, it becomes the stuff of soap opera and tragedy."...
While we always want to approach and live our lives in a spirit of hope it is equally prudent to remember and remind ourselves from time to time that life is never predictable and things often don't work out the way we hope...but,I also suspect if we always received what we hoped for at a particular time if we wouldn't be just as equally disappointed "later" rather than sooner.
While we always want to approach and live our lives in a spirit of hope it is equally prudent to remember and remind ourselves from time to time that life is never predictable and things often don't work out the way we hope...but,I also suspect if we always received what we hoped for at a particular time if we wouldn't be just as equally disappointed "later" rather than sooner.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"True love doesn't embrace others in spite of their flaws, as if rising above them. Rather, it finds "the other lovable in spite of and together with their weaknesses, errors, and imperfections...Because of your beloved's weakness you shall not remove yourself from them or make your relationship more remote: on the contrary, the two of you shall hold together with greater solidarity in order to remove the weakness"...
Soren Kierkegaard Works of Love....This of course does not mean one accepts and thus enables abuse and assumes our beloved is self aware and acknowledges their weaknesses.
Soren Kierkegaard Works of Love....This of course does not mean one accepts and thus enables abuse and assumes our beloved is self aware and acknowledges their weaknesses.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Over the past seven or eight years I have read a number of books on relationships and Thomas Moore's book SoulMates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship is one of my favorites. Moore is a successful author who has an interesting background which includes 12 years in a Catholic monastery. He nows travels extensively throughout North America lecturing on a wide variety of topics. Before taking to lecture circuit Moore served a number of years as a psychotherapist and wrote numerous best selling books which include Care of the Soul, Dark Nights of the Soul, and The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life.
Moore's style is very different from most books one may read on relationships because they are not intended to provide the reader with "specific" answers on how to find a mate or how to solve one's relationship problems. So,if you are looking for a book that spoon feeds you the answers to the myriad of relationship dilemmas that exist than Moore is not for you. However, reading Moore will stimulate your mind and imagination in regards to the purpose,nature,essence, and mystery of relationships, in other words, your assumptions and perspective on relationships will be challenged. For me, I experienced numerous aha moments which made a lot of sense to me. I also found Moore's style interesting because he "integrates" and weaves his background knowledge of religion, spirituality, mythology, and philosophy into his understanding of relationships in a way that makes him unique.
While reading SoulMates may not "directly" help you find a mate, if you are looking for one, or solve your current relationship problems it may just contribute and enrich your current or future relationships in profound ways. I'll leave you with a some quotes from Moore's book SoulMates to give you a sense of his perspective.
Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….
Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.
Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.
Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….
Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love of love, we may neglect life duties and obligations, we may make heroic efforts to be with our beloved..To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by it’s illusions….From the point of the view of the soul, romantic love is trustworthy because the literal concerns of life are set aside. The soul has room to go into action, and its action is always in the nature of play...and…in our childish attachment to romance we are championing the way of the soul, its thirst for pleasure, and its inescapable need for experiences that may or may not be conducive to productive lives...and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love….
The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.
Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.
Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.
In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…
Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.
It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.
The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.
Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”
Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.
Pain and difficulty can sometimes serve as the pathway to a new level of involvement. They do not mean necessarily that there is something inherently wrong with the relationship: on the contrary, relationship trouble may be a challenging initiation into intimacy.
Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?
Moore's style is very different from most books one may read on relationships because they are not intended to provide the reader with "specific" answers on how to find a mate or how to solve one's relationship problems. So,if you are looking for a book that spoon feeds you the answers to the myriad of relationship dilemmas that exist than Moore is not for you. However, reading Moore will stimulate your mind and imagination in regards to the purpose,nature,essence, and mystery of relationships, in other words, your assumptions and perspective on relationships will be challenged. For me, I experienced numerous aha moments which made a lot of sense to me. I also found Moore's style interesting because he "integrates" and weaves his background knowledge of religion, spirituality, mythology, and philosophy into his understanding of relationships in a way that makes him unique.
While reading SoulMates may not "directly" help you find a mate, if you are looking for one, or solve your current relationship problems it may just contribute and enrich your current or future relationships in profound ways. I'll leave you with a some quotes from Moore's book SoulMates to give you a sense of his perspective.
Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….
Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.
Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.
Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….
Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love of love, we may neglect life duties and obligations, we may make heroic efforts to be with our beloved..To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by it’s illusions….From the point of the view of the soul, romantic love is trustworthy because the literal concerns of life are set aside. The soul has room to go into action, and its action is always in the nature of play...and…in our childish attachment to romance we are championing the way of the soul, its thirst for pleasure, and its inescapable need for experiences that may or may not be conducive to productive lives...and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love….
The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.
Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.
Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.
In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…
Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.
It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.
The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.
Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”
Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.
Pain and difficulty can sometimes serve as the pathway to a new level of involvement. They do not mean necessarily that there is something inherently wrong with the relationship: on the contrary, relationship trouble may be a challenging initiation into intimacy.
Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I remember Steve Allen, the comedian, once say about relationships, "Look out, you're in for some tough times ahead...really tough times". Thanks Steve!...but, he is right, relationships are tough and sometimes you just want to throw in the towel or least throw the towel at your partner. This morning while reading John Weldon's book Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love I came across something he said that I found interesting and would like to pass it along. What he has to say kind of put things in perspective a bit for me because when I lose perspective I tend to drift towards the abyss of losing hope. Here is what Weldon had to say: "Intimate relationships can help free us from our conditioning by allowing us to see exactly how and where we are stuck. They continually bring us up against things in ourselves that we cannot stand. They stir up all our worst fears and neuroses--in living technicolor. When we live alone, we are often unaware of our habitual patterns because we live inside them. A relationship, on the other hand, heightens our awareness of all our rough edges. When someone we love reacts to our neurotic patterns they bounce back on us and we can no longer ignore them. As we see and feel the ways we are stuck, a desire to move in a new direction begins to stir in us"...Of course the hard part is getting past the temptation to see our relationship struggles in terms of our partners problems or to understand the potential sociological factors which also come into play which have nothing to do with the personal behavior of ourselves or our partners....Weldon goes on to say, "In my experience, the greatest obstacle to growth in a relationship is a couple's belief that it shouldn't be this hard. Yet the reason it often is hard is that we are set in our ways, and it takes great energy and dedication to break free of them. Love helps us to do so, by inspiring us to open our heart. The honeymoon phase in a relationship is a pure experience of open heart. It gives us a sense of what is possible, which we can draw on for inspiration when we bog down. Trying to maintain that state, however, only prevents us from moving forward". Weldon completes his thoughts on this matter by explaining that because our hearts are, at least initially, are open to our partners because we love them, it allows us to confront our greatest fears in a way that is often not possible when challenged or pointed out by others. The challenge we all equally face is getting past wanting to bypass or avoid our greatest fears and dark side because of the emotional pain that is a natural part of the struggle with our demons...but...if we can find the courage within to rise above avoiding emotional pain at all cost then there is hope to be found even if our partners are not able to join us in the most difficult aspect of the relationship dance...because...even if our relationships cannot be salvaged the individual healing to be experienced in such an endeavor is worth the time and effort.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
In a soulful relationship, in contrast, the partners know that we are all individuals
As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself
But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface
Marriage is by nature miraculous and magical. We do not understand it and cannot know where it is headed.
Responding to the grace of relationships, it is important to appreciate, to give thanks, to honor, to celebrate, to tend, and to observe.
Soulful relationships may not necessarily be the healthy ones, the successful ones, or the peaceful ones.
Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain
The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage is a rational arrangement rather than an insane attempt to give life form and stability.
You can’t love deeply unless you are a deep person in the first place
In some instances love may ask near impossible patience
Love is an affair of the soul…it may disappear at exactly the wrong moment. It may come and go, and return again, for no apparent reason.
Often it is the people who love us most—parents, lovers, spouses, children—who most discourage the authentic life.
The soul enjoys the playful side of life because play elevates the otherwise heavy literalness of day to day existence to the realm of the imagination
As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself
But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface
Marriage is by nature miraculous and magical. We do not understand it and cannot know where it is headed.
Responding to the grace of relationships, it is important to appreciate, to give thanks, to honor, to celebrate, to tend, and to observe.
Soulful relationships may not necessarily be the healthy ones, the successful ones, or the peaceful ones.
Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain
The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage is a rational arrangement rather than an insane attempt to give life form and stability.
You can’t love deeply unless you are a deep person in the first place
In some instances love may ask near impossible patience
Love is an affair of the soul…it may disappear at exactly the wrong moment. It may come and go, and return again, for no apparent reason.
Often it is the people who love us most—parents, lovers, spouses, children—who most discourage the authentic life.
The soul enjoys the playful side of life because play elevates the otherwise heavy literalness of day to day existence to the realm of the imagination
Many of us grew up in a time, family, or subculture where we were taught to distrust our emotions, "certain pleasures", and desires in general. I don't mean to imply that this was "all bad" but as I have gotten older I do now believe a significant amount of the exhortations that were directed my way should have at least been qualified and balanced with the understanding that pleasure, desire, and eros play an important role in the life of the soul. I was thinking about this, this morning as I was reading my journal notes from Thomas Moore's books, Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. I sure wish I had read these books when I was young. So many people, imo, seem to have a dysfunctional relationship between their bodies, pleasure, and the deep seated desires that frequently come to the surface. But, it should come as no great surprise considering the mixed messages we receive from our schizophrenic society on a regular basis on the relationship between our life and pleasure, desire, and eros. I'll close with a series of quotes taken from Thomas Moore's books Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. Some of these quotes probably need to be qualified but I'll let them stand as they are because I think it might do us good to ponder what he has to say in it's raw form.
Stern moralistic warnings about not falling into the illusions of romantic love come from a place foreign to love. They are not messages from erotic life, but from a place that devalues eros...No matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the
soul as any other kind of love...Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play...To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions...and...something eternally valid comes to us in the sensation of sex and romance.
Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. We live in a world that trusts logic, and from that commitment we distrust desire: but if we lived in a world that validated desire, we would know how to trust it. Desire often asks that we abandon logic and perhaps appear foolish to our friends. The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy just as much as the mind needs ideas and information and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions., it serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
We don't have to justify our pleasure in the illusions of love. Dalliance and flirtations don't have to lead to a long standing relationship or marriage in order to prove themselves. If we had this thought in mind perhaps we would be able to enjoy our passing fancies without worrying so much about their implications. The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies...
Eros moves and settles in the area of the heart. if we are confused by this strong rush of new spirit, it may be because we are not familiar with our own interior life. if we can't distinguish illusion from opportunity, then maybe we don't know our ow hearts well enough. An intense romance could provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves, but how much better, it would be if we were familiar with the way of our soul in the first place?
Stern moralistic warnings about not falling into the illusions of romantic love come from a place foreign to love. They are not messages from erotic life, but from a place that devalues eros...No matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the
soul as any other kind of love...Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play...To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions...and...something eternally valid comes to us in the sensation of sex and romance.
Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. We live in a world that trusts logic, and from that commitment we distrust desire: but if we lived in a world that validated desire, we would know how to trust it. Desire often asks that we abandon logic and perhaps appear foolish to our friends. The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy just as much as the mind needs ideas and information and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions., it serious playfulness and its purposeful games.
We don't have to justify our pleasure in the illusions of love. Dalliance and flirtations don't have to lead to a long standing relationship or marriage in order to prove themselves. If we had this thought in mind perhaps we would be able to enjoy our passing fancies without worrying so much about their implications. The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies...
Eros moves and settles in the area of the heart. if we are confused by this strong rush of new spirit, it may be because we are not familiar with our own interior life. if we can't distinguish illusion from opportunity, then maybe we don't know our ow hearts well enough. An intense romance could provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves, but how much better, it would be if we were familiar with the way of our soul in the first place?
Monday, March 23, 2009
You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica
Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ~Margaret Mead
The heart craves recognition and appreciation….and….we need to take the opportunity to praise and celebrate our partners, either expressing our feelings directly to them or to others…only a neurotically puritanical mind would deny the soul such graces.
Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thinking about and working on relationships can get one down if one is not careful and not intentional about seeking some relief from one of the more important matters of the heart... so, in an effort to lighten things up around here I have put together a fictitious profile for one of those dating online services to hopefully add some humor for those of us who are trying to find our way out of the wilderness into the promise land. This is the musings of a single guy who obviously has too much time on his hands.
For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.
My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.
My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.
My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.
Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.
Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.
Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.
About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.
What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.
In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.
For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.
My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.
My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.
My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.
Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.
Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.
Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.
About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.
What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.
In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.
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