If we can find the courage

I remember Steve Allen, the comedian, once say about relationships, "Look out, you're in for some tough times ahead...really tough times". Thanks Steve!...but, he is right, relationships are tough and sometimes you just want to throw in the towel or least throw the towel at your partner. This morning while reading John Weldon's book Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love I came across something he said that I found interesting and would like to pass it along. What he has to say kind of put things in perspective a bit for me because when I lose perspective I tend to drift towards the abyss of losing hope. Here is what Weldon had to say: "Intimate relationships can help free us from our conditioning by allowing us to see exactly how and where we are stuck. They continually bring us up against things in ourselves that we cannot stand. They stir up all our worst fears and neuroses--in living technicolor. When we live alone, we are often unaware of our habitual patterns because we live inside them. A relationship, on the other hand, heightens our awareness of all our rough edges. When someone we love reacts to our neurotic patterns they bounce back on us and we can no longer ignore them. As we see and feel the ways we are stuck, a desire to move in a new direction begins to stir in us"...Of course the hard part is getting past the temptation to see our relationship struggles in terms of our partners problems or to understand the potential sociological factors which also come into play which have nothing to do with the personal behavior of ourselves or our partners....Weldon goes on to say, "In my experience, the greatest obstacle to growth in a relationship is a couple's belief that it shouldn't be this hard. Yet the reason it often is hard is that we are set in our ways, and it takes great energy and dedication to break free of them. Love helps us to do so, by inspiring us to open our heart. The honeymoon phase in a relationship is a pure experience of open heart. It gives us a sense of what is possible, which we can draw on for inspiration when we bog down. Trying to maintain that state, however, only prevents us from moving forward". Weldon completes his thoughts on this matter by explaining that because our hearts are, at least initially, are open to our partners because we love them, it allows us to confront our greatest fears in a way that is often not possible when challenged or pointed out by others. The challenge we all equally face is getting past wanting to bypass or avoid our greatest fears and dark side because of the emotional pain that is a natural part of the struggle with our demons...but...if we can find the courage within to rise above avoiding emotional pain at all cost then there is hope to be found even if our partners are not able to join us in the most difficult aspect of the relationship dance...because...even if our relationships cannot be salvaged the individual healing to be experienced in such an endeavor is worth the time and effort.

Relationship Quips

In a soulful relationship, in contrast, the partners know that we are all individuals

As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself

But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface

Marriage is by nature miraculous and magical. We do not understand it and cannot know where it is headed.

Responding to the grace of relationships, it is important to appreciate, to give thanks, to honor, to celebrate, to tend, and to observe.

Soulful relationships may not necessarily be the healthy ones, the successful ones, or the peaceful ones.

Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain

The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage is a rational arrangement rather than an insane attempt to give life form and stability.

You can’t love deeply unless you are a deep person in the first place

In some instances love may ask near impossible patience

Love is an affair of the soul…it may disappear at exactly the wrong moment. It may come and go, and return again, for no apparent reason.

Often it is the people who love us most—parents, lovers, spouses, children—who most discourage the authentic life.

The soul enjoys the playful side of life because play elevates the otherwise heavy literalness of day to day existence to the realm of the imagination

Eros, pleasure, and deep desires

Many of us grew up in a time, family, or subculture where we were taught to distrust our emotions, "certain pleasures", and desires in general. I don't mean to imply that this was "all bad" but as I have gotten older I do now believe a significant amount of the exhortations that were directed my way should have at least been qualified and balanced with the understanding that pleasure, desire, and eros play an important role in the life of the soul. I was thinking about this, this morning as I was reading my journal notes from Thomas Moore's books, Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. I sure wish I had read these books when I was young. So many people, imo, seem to have a dysfunctional relationship between their bodies, pleasure, and the deep seated desires that frequently come to the surface. But, it should come as no great surprise considering the mixed messages we receive from our schizophrenic society on a regular basis on the relationship between our life and pleasure, desire, and eros. I'll close with a series of quotes taken from Thomas Moore's books Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. Some of these quotes probably need to be qualified but I'll let them stand as they are because I think it might do us good to ponder what he has to say in it's raw form.


Stern moralistic warnings about not falling into the illusions of romantic love come from a place foreign to love. They are not messages from erotic life, but from a place that devalues eros...No matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the
soul as any other kind of love...Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play...To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions...and...something eternally valid comes to us in the sensation of sex and romance.

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. We live in a world that trusts logic, and from that commitment we distrust desire: but if we lived in a world that validated desire, we would know how to trust it. Desire often asks that we abandon logic and perhaps appear foolish to our friends. The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy just as much as the mind needs ideas and information and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions., it serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

We don't have to justify our pleasure in the illusions of love. Dalliance and flirtations don't have to lead to a long standing relationship or marriage in order to prove themselves. If we had this thought in mind perhaps we would be able to enjoy our passing fancies without worrying so much about their implications. The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies...

Eros moves and settles in the area of the heart. if we are confused by this strong rush of new spirit, it may be because we are not familiar with our own interior life. if we can't distinguish illusion from opportunity, then maybe we don't know our ow hearts well enough. An intense romance could provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves, but how much better, it would be if we were familiar with the way of our soul in the first place?

Say it Often

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ~Margaret Mead

The heart craves recognition and appreciation….and….we need to take the opportunity to praise and celebrate our partners, either expressing our feelings directly to them or to others…only a neurotically puritanical mind would deny the soul such graces.

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Is this the The Man of your dreams?

Thinking about and working on relationships can get one down if one is not careful and not intentional about seeking some relief from one of the more important matters of the heart... so, in an effort to lighten things up around here I have put together a fictitious profile for one of those dating online services to hopefully add some humor for those of us who are trying to find our way out of the wilderness into the promise land. This is the musings of a single guy who obviously has too much time on his hands.

For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.

My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.

My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.

My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.

Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.

Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.

Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.

About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.

What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.

In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.

Healthy Relationships

What “does” a healthy relationship look like? For those haunted by dysfunctional relationships of the past one may not easily recognize what is a healthy or unhealthy.In this blog entry I want to explore what a healthy relationship might “potentially” look like. Of course, no relationship is perfect and one has to be careful expecting or idealizing our partners or interpersonal relationships butI do hope the following examples listed below will help identify and clarify the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.


Healthy: Seeks to negotiate and does not attempt to control their partners.

Unhealthy: Seeks to manipulate the relationship in an effort to influence one’s partner to give into them.

Healthy: Hopes and expects partner to “moderately” fulfill needs.

Unhealthy: Expects and puts pressure on partner to totally fulfill their needs.

Healthy: Wants partner who is a companion but respects their need to be an individual and be alone at times.

Unhealthy: Expects and might even demand their partner end their loneliness.

Healthy: Accepts you as fallible.

Unhealthy: Never wants you to betray or let them down.

Healthy: Committed to a bilateral style in processing and decision making.

Unhealthy: One person makes unilateral or secret decisions regarding relationship.

Healthy: Respects the others timing.

Unhealthy: Insists problems be fixed in accord with their timing.

Healthy: We hope we both grow from conflict.

Unhealthy: We want the other to learn a lesson.

Healthy: We let go of our attachments and demands in favor of a resolution
we can both live with.

Unhealthy: We demand on getting our way.

Healthy: We acknowledge and are aware of relationship complexities.

Unhealthy: We only see things in black and white.

Healthy: It is acceptable to agree to disagree.

Unhealthy: Ambiguity is not acceptable.

Healthy: We ask for space when we feel engulfed or crowded

Unhealthy: We leave or abandon our partners.

Healthy: We acknowledge our shadow self even if we don’t understand it completely.

Unhealthy: We see others shadows but not our own.

Healthy: The relationship is reciprocal.

Unhealthy: The relationship is one-sided and one partner is passive.

Healthy: We desire and hope for regular contact with our partner.

Unhealthy: One partner is “desperate” for contact.

Healthy: We feel secure most of the time.

Unhealthy: We are always in doubt.

Healthy: The relationship is egalitarian.

Unhealthy: The relationship is predominantly hierarchical with little flexibility.

Healthy: There is mutual agreeable dependence.

Unhealthy: One partner is a caretaker or rescuer.

Healthy: Both partners are willing to take risks and explore beyond what is familiar
and comfortable.

Unhealthy: Partners exclusively keep to that which is comfortable and familiar.

Healthy: We are able to feel compassion for our partner when they are less than mature.

Unhealthy: We look down at our partner when they act immature.

Healthy:We don’t give up on ourselves or our partners even though we may no longer
be able to stay with them.

Unhealthy: We give up easily on ourselves and our partners.

Living and Loving with Fear

We all fear abandonment and engulfment to one degree or another or at a particular time in our relationships. But, some live almost in constant fear of either abandonment or engulfment to the point where it threatens their ability to sustain a healthy relationship. So, how does one live with these conditions and how does one love a person who may bear such a burden? Let's start with the person who fears abandonment/neglect. People who fear abandonment and neglect need attention and acceptance but that doesn't mean around the clock attention and "unconditional" acceptance. In fact, unless the individual has suffered serious abandonment trauma in the past touching base here and there and normal day to day attention may be enough to satisfy their need. Since the abandonment partner probably hasn't experienced quality ongoing contact or intimacy it often doesn't take much to meet their need for closeness. Frequency, even in very short intervals, is probably more important than lengthy or sustained periods of contact. A short phone call or email when apart and brief interludes of contact when together will generally do the trick...but...it is critically important to remember that failure keep in some kind of contact, especially when apart, can potentially traumatize or create a sense of terror in someone who has been neglected or abandoned. I once knew a man whose wife and children went on a road trip with her parents for a month. They left without telling the man "exactly" where they were going to stay and didn't even call him until ten days out and never called again after the initial contact. The guy was absolutely traumatized. It is also important to remember that the partner who fears abandonment needs to work, explore and learn to live with their condition and fear of being alone. This is not a one way arrangement and both partners need to work together so that neither partner will have to bear full responsibility for the insecurities related to abandonment issues.

The fear of engulfment can be summed up as being afraid of allowing someone to get too close out of fear of losing oneself. This can be a serious problem because people who fear engulfment will do almost anything to relieve the fear, even if it means pushing away their partner who they love. So, how does one live or have a relationship with someone who fears engulfment? It is a natural tendency for most of us to pursue a loved one who leaves or strays, at least initially, but pursuit is generally the worst thing one can do with a partner who fears engulfment. Pursuit is a dead end because it will increase the fear and thus influence a partner to escalate their efforts to get away. They need space, so give it to them. Stand at a distance...be a witness. This is not about you so don't take their need for space and distance personally...also, don't try to fix, change, solve or rescue them. Give up the idea that we have any magical powers over them or their situation. We do not...And, most important, allow them to be scared...and...hopefully by appearing non-threatening one might disarm their beloved to open their heart for the healing they so desperately need. If you are the one who fears engulfment you too will need to work on befriending your fears without resorting to pushing your partner away.If need space ask for space but don't run or push your partner away...and...don't be afraid to share with your partner that you are afraid. We all are afraid and most partners will be willing to share the burdens that you feel. And, remember, our partners are our potential greatest resource for healing and we don't have to face our fears alone. Finally, people who fear abandonment and engulfment need our compassion and love...and...One can only imagine the level of emotional pain one must have experienced to get to the point where one fears the love of others. In conclusion, the only antidote to fear is love, so open yourself to love even if you have been deeply hurt in the past. It is the only way one can achieve the healing that is so desperately needed by so many of us.

Fear of Engulfment

If you are in a relationship with someone who regularly pushes you away, is aloof and emotionally unavailable much of the time, or is unable to make a commitment than you might be in a relationship with someone who fears what is called engulfment. Engulfment can be more difficult to detect because often the partner who fears engulfment has learned to cope by projecting an heir of self confidence and in our society this type of body language might be construed as strength. But, in reality, this type of individual feels as terrified as their fellow traveler who fears abandonment. Following is a list of characteristics often attributed to an individual who fears engulfment.

1. Frequently needs space and distance. Everyone needs space but the person who
fears engulfment may need a level and extended amount of distance that would
partners or draw attention make most partners feel insecure.

2. Feels smothered by partners attention.

3. Maintains secrets, a secret life, and doesn't like it when being asked questions.

4. Interprets giving and receiving as smothering and an obligation.

5. Insists on being in control of the relationship and is prone to making unilateral
decisions regarding the relationship.

6. Maintains rigid boundaries which makes it difficult for partner to achieve
greater level of intimacy.

7. Sometimes plays the role of the seducer and then withholds.

8. Feels embarrassed or angry by assurances from partner.

9. Feels threatened and annoyed by partners expression of emotions

10. May accept and use sex as a substitute for closeness.

11. Frequently comes and goes in the relationship without much sensitivity to
partner who may feel insecure of their comings and goings.

12. Comes across as aloof and even cold when they let their guard down.

13. Becomes anxious by extended togetherness which may show up on vacations. Also,
may prefer to take vacation with others who do not require intimacy.

14. Intellectualizes and replaces feelings with logic.

15. Seeks connections but not closeness or intimacy. Prefers network of friends who
do not require closeness.

Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment/neglect and engulfment are two primary types of fear that both challenge and undermine a significant number of relationships. Following is a list of some of the causes and manifestations of abandonment to help identify why and how fear might be interfering with one's relationship. First I'll start with some of the causes and then follow with how fear of abandonment/neglect may manifest itself in a relationship. Some of this will be a repeat of what I have said elsewhere but I thought it would be helpful if I listed them all in one place.

1. Death of a parent

2. Physical abandonment or neglect. This might be caused by divorce,workaholism,
parental addictions, obsessions, or a host of other reasons.

3. Growing up in a foster home or moving from one family member to another.

4. Ongoing family dysfunction, chaos, and conflict.

5. Rejection from parents,siblings or peer groups.

6. Prolonged childhood injuries or illness.

7. Parents who are emotionally unavailable.

8. Being thrust into a caretaker role as a young adult.

So how might the fear of abandonment/neglect manifest itself in one's behavior in the context of a relationship? Here are a few possible examples.

1. Partner has a hard time giving space and the emotional pain is acute when a void
is created for any extended time which explains why partner may want to cling.

2. Partner pays too much attention, is overly accepting, and allows too much often
to their own detriment.

3. Willingly shares feelings and information in an attempt to create intimacy even
in early stages of a relationship. This can often either scare away potential
partners or draw attention to people who have similar fears.

4. Spends more time taking care of partners needs than their own which creates
an imbalance where partner may feel beholden and caretaker becomes resentful.

5. Defers to partner's timing and agenda because of fear of rejection.

6. Does not have clearly defined boundaries and thus tolerates abuse and
unhappiness in the relationship.

7. Becomes addicted to relationship and has a hard time leaving even if the
relationship is unsatisfactory. Fears loneliness and abandonment more than bad
relationship.

8. Hides anger but shows fear.

9. Rationalizes and excuses partners bad behavior and unhappy relationship.

10. Always walking on eggshells and is too willing to compromise.

When Fear Raises it's Ugly Head: Part II

Have you ever wondered to yourself why you and some of your friends put up with behavior from their partners that is harmful to your spirit, body, and emotional well being? While the human heart has it’s reasons, which are often a mystery to us, I do believe that fear is generally close by when we choose to look the other way. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone may influence one to tolerate behavior that is destructive and the greater the fear than generally the greater abuse one will attempt to rationalize away. In my previous blog entry I identified three ways fear may raise it’s ugly head. Here are a few more examples of how fear can potentially undermine the health of our relationships and the well being of those who tolerate it.

1.Do you have trouble asserting yourself? Do you have trouble telling your partner to not say or do certain things that hurt you or make you feel insecure?…and…do you tolerate this behavior by rationalizing that there may be something wrong with you?… or… that all relationships have their problems?...Do you have trouble asserting what you need or want in your relationship and rationalize not doing so by telling yourself that you are just being selfish? While it is understandable why the fear of being rejected or subjecting oneself to more abuse, may be an attractive alternative in the short term, the long term potential consequences can be lethal to the health of ourselves and our relationship. Desensitizing oneself to future, more serious abuse, creating resentment, low expectations, the lack of emotional intimacy, and even possible rage are all potential consequences of not asserting ourselves by deferring our legitimate needs and not speaking out against emotional abuse.

2.Do you need to always be in control or allow others to control you? While it is natural and healthy to control certain aspects of our space a strong desire or demand to control our partners or allow our partners to control us is a certain
recipe for disaster. The need to control others or be controlled by others is fueled by deep insecurities and fear. While being in control may at times give temporary relief from some of our insecurities it is always fleeting because the belief that we
can control our lives, let alone someone else, is an illusion and when a controller senses they are losing control they generally respond by escalating their efforts
as needed to regain control. The partner who allows themselves to be controlled may be able to rationalize that this arrangement is not so bad or bearable but one day it will dawn on them that this is not what they signed up for…and…when that day comes when they attempt to get back control of their life by standing up to the controller all hell “will” break loose and the controller will often resort to almost any measure to get back control. It’s a vicious and ugly cycle which will drain what love, charity and good will that still might be on life support.

3. Do you find yourself or your partner emotionally unavailable? Relationships can withstand and survive a wide array of challenges on numerous fronts but when one or both partners consider it too risky to allow for closeness, mutual vulnerability, and are constantly pushing each other away due to fear than generally it is only a matter of time until one or both partners will drift or look to someone else to fill the void that can only be met by allowing ourselves to be available emotionally.

When Fear Raises It's Ugly Head: Part I

In my first entry on fear I said that fear looms at the center of many of our relationship challenges and problems. This post will explore "how" fear raises it's ugly head in our relationships. But, before I site some of the many ways fear manifests itself in our relationships I would first like to make some important qualifications lest anyone conclude that I am suggesting that fear is the only "horseman of the relationship Apocalypse." First, fear is always present to one degree or another in our lives and relationships so we need to approach this a bit of realism. Second, fear is a legitimate emotion that can and does serve a potential positive purpose when we are faced with "real" danger. And, even when our fears are more the product of our imagination we can still benefit from them when and if we take the time to listen to what our fear might be trying to tell us. Finally, if we can learn to live "through" our fears and not attempt to avoid fear at all cost by relying on surrogate temporary relief than fear can be a critically important teacher to our sense of well being. Now onto some of the ways fear can raise it's ugly head.

1. Ignoring red flags...We all have issues and no one is perfect but when our partners are exhibiting behavior that is destructive to them, us, or the family than we need to address the red flag and when we don't it is generally because of fear. Fear of rejection, retribution, being yelled at, dismissed, etc. are all possible reasons why we may turn a blind eye to abuse, destructive addictions, mismanagement of finances, etc.

2. Failure to make commitments...We sometimes assume that since we have made our marriage vows and as long as we are "faithful" in our marriages/ relationships than we have fulfilled our commitments. Commitment is something we need to do daily and keep up to date, so to speak. Also, commitments ought to cover the various aspects of our relationships. Some of us may be faithful to keep our commitment to be monogamous but we lack the commitment to be intimate emotionally due to fear of getting too close to our partners, perhaps out of a fear of rejection...or...we may not be committed to work "through" and seek out solutions to conflicts that arise in all relationships...but... failure to meet these ongoing commitments can be as destructive as failing to be faithful partners.

3. Extreme Separation anxiety: If we are clinging onto our partners too tight, too often we will probably drive them away...and...if they feel engulfed by our actions they may pull up the draw bridge, go back into the castle, and leave us standing outside the castle walls alone...which will trigger our worst fears which will drive us to become even more clingly...and...the cycle begins again with each new episode a little bit more intense than the time before. The inability to be alone, at times, generally reflects a fear of being alone.

I think I'll stop for now. I have a lot of other fears to address but I'll wait for another day.

The Dance of Fear

It is not uncommon to find someone who fears engulfment matched with someone who fears abandonment. This can be a lethal combination unless both partners are able to work “through” and learn to “hold” their fears and understand “how” it causes a significant amount of insecurity and lack of intimacy in their relationships. The two partners dance back and forth, sometimes for years, and more often than not, they trip, step on each others feet and are constantly questioning why dancing isn’t as fun as it used to be. Bryn Collin in her book Emotionally Unavailable describes the dance routine of the person who fears engulfment this way… The emotionally unavailable person has come to believe that letting someone get too close is risky and when someone gets too close, alarm bells off and they back away. But that is not the end of it because when the unavailable partner gets too distant that turns out to be just as scary, and this causes them to seek to initiate a connection until they back off again and thus the cycle is repeated…but, at some point along the way the more available partner stops being able to trust or predict the relationship and instead lives in constant questioning mode and insecurity. This pattern of approach, pull back, keep partner at arm’s length, not too close and not to far keeps the relationship in neutral and unable to grow.

David Richo has his own description of the dance routine of those who fear abandonment and engulfment and he describes it this way…
The fear of abandonment is present when one is afraid their partner will leave and so she clings; he fears she is getting too close and so he flees. This keeps them in an endless dance in which one chases and the other runs. One partner is needy and desperate and the other is aloof and harried. A neurotic fit has occurred, and the partners may continue this pattern for years. One partner is so afraid of being alone that they may line up a back-up partner, and when that new partner seems to offer all that could they could possibly want, they may leave the original partner for them…..Both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment are phantom fears, like phantom pain. Abandonment and engulfment already happened in the powerless past of childhood and cannot really happen to adults. An adult cannot be abandoned, only left, not engulfed, only crowded.


If this dance sounds familiar to you you are not alone.We have all danced this dance before but some of us have never gotten past this particular routine but once we become familiar with the dance routine hopefully we can change the dance before it's too late and we have to find a new dance partner.

When Fear Meets Love

The fear of intimacy is quite often related to the fear of abandonment or engulfment. While both the fear of abandonment and engulfment may have their origin in childhood there are some who have experienced this kind of fear primarily in their adult relationships. When experienced in childhood one is not equipped to deal with this kind of fear and if one does not have adult support, which is most often the case, then one is left to defend and cope any way one can. This often means establishing coping strategies that may often work in the short term but have potentially negative side effects in the long run. These coping strategies are often carried over to our adult relationships and that is where they can wreak havoc on our relationships. Because this kind of fear is so common in our lives and our personal relationships I am going to devote a series of posts that explore this issue in depth. To me this is simply not a theoretical issue. I have seen this effect all my relationships to one degree or another and consider it to be one of the greatest challenges impacting many of our relationships. To get the ball rolling I’ll start with a couple of quotes from David Richo’s excellent book “When Fear Meets Love”

The fear of giving and receiving may be the fear of engulfment. The fear of comings and goings may be the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of someone getting too close, and the fear of abandonment is the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. A healthy person is one who can relate to someone without being overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment if the other goes away and without being overwhelmed by the fear of engulfment if the other draws too near. The fear of abandonment and engulfment represent our deepest doubts about our own worthiness to be loved. Others cannot love me permanently and loyally. They will leave me once they really know me or tire of me. This is the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment also has to do with self-diminishment: I have so little within me that if I let someone really touch me at a soulful level, I will lose something of myself.

Abandonment is terrifying also because we feel so powerful at the moment it occurs. This combination of fear and powerlessness is what made an original abandonment experience from childhood leave so indelible mark on us. We feel panic when the other withdraws, so we pursue more intensely, and this makes a partner panic and push us away even more. Our way of taking care of ourselves is precisely what makes us the more abandoned! It is a self-defeat in the guise of self-protection.

Dancing amongst the Shadows

The wall we build to keep love out will also keep fear in. Most of us have early and recent histories of danger and abandonment associated with our giving and receiving of love. We may have erected walls to keep ourselves safe, walls that also keep us from being loved. The fear of being loved can be rationalized as the fear of rejection or engulfment. Actually, very profound and unhealed wounds in our psyches luck behind our fears of closeness. Acceptance and love from someone toward us involve an engaged focus on us that may be terrifying. Without a history of safety in being loved, we many never have learned how to receive such affection-bearing attention…We fear love when we run from commitment, refuse to state that we want to be loved, refuse to hear it said to us, refuse to receive it. David Richo

It is very difficult to admit to oneself or others that we fear love, commitment, or deeper intimacy with others...but...if one has been wounded, and we all have to various degrees than it stands to reason that we have or continue to put up walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. While it may be understandable and I suppose needed in some cases to put walls between ourselves and others to protect us from further hurt, to "continue" to do so with our partners on a regular basis seems counterproductive in the long run. I think it is also important to explore and consider that the level of fear that triggers us to build walls between us and our loved ones may be, in part, the projection of past wounds. This is important to consider because if we want to mindful about the present we need to be mindful about "how" the past may be effecting the present. On a personal note...Abandonment, neglect, and rejection and the fear associated with these ghosts haunt my past and thus effect my present. These ghosts have wreaked havoc for years on my ability to feel comfortable accepting love from others, asking what I need or want in a relationship, avoiding conflict,almost at all cost, appeasing and deferring to others, putting up with emotional abuse, and a host of other problems which are too many to name. The nature of all relationships is a dance but if one or both partners are afraid to dance than maybe it is time to both explore the source of the fear and search for ways to nurture ourselves when the ghosts of our past come to haunt us in the present.

The Shadow of Fear

Fear convinces us not to risk, that is, not to act bravely and creatively. Fear is the only obstacle to love. David Richo

In a couple of previous posts I mentioned some actions and things that undermine relationships, things like, working too much, criticizing your partner in public, indifference, being emotionally unavailable, etc. As I have reflected on my own relationships and listened to others talk about their own relationship failures, disappointments, or ongoing struggles the shadow of fear seems to loom near or at the center of many of our relationship struggles. Fear to be vulnerable, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of speaking up for ourselves, fear of leaving, fear of staying, these and other types of fear seem to be more often than not, one, if not the primary underlying cause of most our relationship problems. During my adult life I have been married once and have had three other serious relationships and as I have pondered the melt down of my marriage and why my other relationships have not reached the level of commitment or intimacy I had hoped for, fear, seems to be a repeating theme in every case which is why I want to explore this topic in greater depth in the days and weeks to come.