Saturday, February 28, 2009
The fear of abandonment/neglect and engulfment are two primary types of fear that both challenge and undermine a significant number of relationships. Following is a list of some of the causes and manifestations of abandonment to help identify why and how fear might be interfering with one's relationship. First I'll start with some of the causes and then follow with how fear of abandonment/neglect may manifest itself in a relationship. Some of this will be a repeat of what I have said elsewhere but I thought it would be helpful if I listed them all in one place.
1. Death of a parent
2. Physical abandonment or neglect. This might be caused by divorce,workaholism,
parental addictions, obsessions, or a host of other reasons.
3. Growing up in a foster home or moving from one family member to another.
4. Ongoing family dysfunction, chaos, and conflict.
5. Rejection from parents,siblings or peer groups.
6. Prolonged childhood injuries or illness.
7. Parents who are emotionally unavailable.
8. Being thrust into a caretaker role as a young adult.
So how might the fear of abandonment/neglect manifest itself in one's behavior in the context of a relationship? Here are a few possible examples.
1. Partner has a hard time giving space and the emotional pain is acute when a void
is created for any extended time which explains why partner may want to cling.
2. Partner pays too much attention, is overly accepting, and allows too much often
to their own detriment.
3. Willingly shares feelings and information in an attempt to create intimacy even
in early stages of a relationship. This can often either scare away potential
partners or draw attention to people who have similar fears.
4. Spends more time taking care of partners needs than their own which creates
an imbalance where partner may feel beholden and caretaker becomes resentful.
5. Defers to partner's timing and agenda because of fear of rejection.
6. Does not have clearly defined boundaries and thus tolerates abuse and
unhappiness in the relationship.
7. Becomes addicted to relationship and has a hard time leaving even if the
relationship is unsatisfactory. Fears loneliness and abandonment more than bad
relationship.
8. Hides anger but shows fear.
9. Rationalizes and excuses partners bad behavior and unhappy relationship.
10. Always walking on eggshells and is too willing to compromise.
1. Death of a parent
2. Physical abandonment or neglect. This might be caused by divorce,workaholism,
parental addictions, obsessions, or a host of other reasons.
3. Growing up in a foster home or moving from one family member to another.
4. Ongoing family dysfunction, chaos, and conflict.
5. Rejection from parents,siblings or peer groups.
6. Prolonged childhood injuries or illness.
7. Parents who are emotionally unavailable.
8. Being thrust into a caretaker role as a young adult.
So how might the fear of abandonment/neglect manifest itself in one's behavior in the context of a relationship? Here are a few possible examples.
1. Partner has a hard time giving space and the emotional pain is acute when a void
is created for any extended time which explains why partner may want to cling.
2. Partner pays too much attention, is overly accepting, and allows too much often
to their own detriment.
3. Willingly shares feelings and information in an attempt to create intimacy even
in early stages of a relationship. This can often either scare away potential
partners or draw attention to people who have similar fears.
4. Spends more time taking care of partners needs than their own which creates
an imbalance where partner may feel beholden and caretaker becomes resentful.
5. Defers to partner's timing and agenda because of fear of rejection.
6. Does not have clearly defined boundaries and thus tolerates abuse and
unhappiness in the relationship.
7. Becomes addicted to relationship and has a hard time leaving even if the
relationship is unsatisfactory. Fears loneliness and abandonment more than bad
relationship.
8. Hides anger but shows fear.
9. Rationalizes and excuses partners bad behavior and unhappy relationship.
10. Always walking on eggshells and is too willing to compromise.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Have you ever wondered to yourself why you and some of your friends put up with behavior from their partners that is harmful to your spirit, body, and emotional well being? While the human heart has it’s reasons, which are often a mystery to us, I do believe that fear is generally close by when we choose to look the other way. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone may influence one to tolerate behavior that is destructive and the greater the fear than generally the greater abuse one will attempt to rationalize away. In my previous blog entry I identified three ways fear may raise it’s ugly head. Here are a few more examples of how fear can potentially undermine the health of our relationships and the well being of those who tolerate it.
1.Do you have trouble asserting yourself? Do you have trouble telling your partner to not say or do certain things that hurt you or make you feel insecure?…and…do you tolerate this behavior by rationalizing that there may be something wrong with you?… or… that all relationships have their problems?...Do you have trouble asserting what you need or want in your relationship and rationalize not doing so by telling yourself that you are just being selfish? While it is understandable why the fear of being rejected or subjecting oneself to more abuse, may be an attractive alternative in the short term, the long term potential consequences can be lethal to the health of ourselves and our relationship. Desensitizing oneself to future, more serious abuse, creating resentment, low expectations, the lack of emotional intimacy, and even possible rage are all potential consequences of not asserting ourselves by deferring our legitimate needs and not speaking out against emotional abuse.
2.Do you need to always be in control or allow others to control you? While it is natural and healthy to control certain aspects of our space a strong desire or demand to control our partners or allow our partners to control us is a certain
recipe for disaster. The need to control others or be controlled by others is fueled by deep insecurities and fear. While being in control may at times give temporary relief from some of our insecurities it is always fleeting because the belief that we
can control our lives, let alone someone else, is an illusion and when a controller senses they are losing control they generally respond by escalating their efforts
as needed to regain control. The partner who allows themselves to be controlled may be able to rationalize that this arrangement is not so bad or bearable but one day it will dawn on them that this is not what they signed up for…and…when that day comes when they attempt to get back control of their life by standing up to the controller all hell “will” break loose and the controller will often resort to almost any measure to get back control. It’s a vicious and ugly cycle which will drain what love, charity and good will that still might be on life support.
3. Do you find yourself or your partner emotionally unavailable? Relationships can withstand and survive a wide array of challenges on numerous fronts but when one or both partners consider it too risky to allow for closeness, mutual vulnerability, and are constantly pushing each other away due to fear than generally it is only a matter of time until one or both partners will drift or look to someone else to fill the void that can only be met by allowing ourselves to be available emotionally.
1.Do you have trouble asserting yourself? Do you have trouble telling your partner to not say or do certain things that hurt you or make you feel insecure?…and…do you tolerate this behavior by rationalizing that there may be something wrong with you?… or… that all relationships have their problems?...Do you have trouble asserting what you need or want in your relationship and rationalize not doing so by telling yourself that you are just being selfish? While it is understandable why the fear of being rejected or subjecting oneself to more abuse, may be an attractive alternative in the short term, the long term potential consequences can be lethal to the health of ourselves and our relationship. Desensitizing oneself to future, more serious abuse, creating resentment, low expectations, the lack of emotional intimacy, and even possible rage are all potential consequences of not asserting ourselves by deferring our legitimate needs and not speaking out against emotional abuse.
2.Do you need to always be in control or allow others to control you? While it is natural and healthy to control certain aspects of our space a strong desire or demand to control our partners or allow our partners to control us is a certain
recipe for disaster. The need to control others or be controlled by others is fueled by deep insecurities and fear. While being in control may at times give temporary relief from some of our insecurities it is always fleeting because the belief that we
can control our lives, let alone someone else, is an illusion and when a controller senses they are losing control they generally respond by escalating their efforts
as needed to regain control. The partner who allows themselves to be controlled may be able to rationalize that this arrangement is not so bad or bearable but one day it will dawn on them that this is not what they signed up for…and…when that day comes when they attempt to get back control of their life by standing up to the controller all hell “will” break loose and the controller will often resort to almost any measure to get back control. It’s a vicious and ugly cycle which will drain what love, charity and good will that still might be on life support.
3. Do you find yourself or your partner emotionally unavailable? Relationships can withstand and survive a wide array of challenges on numerous fronts but when one or both partners consider it too risky to allow for closeness, mutual vulnerability, and are constantly pushing each other away due to fear than generally it is only a matter of time until one or both partners will drift or look to someone else to fill the void that can only be met by allowing ourselves to be available emotionally.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
In my first entry on fear I said that fear looms at the center of many of our relationship challenges and problems. This post will explore "how" fear raises it's ugly head in our relationships. But, before I site some of the many ways fear manifests itself in our relationships I would first like to make some important qualifications lest anyone conclude that I am suggesting that fear is the only "horseman of the relationship Apocalypse." First, fear is always present to one degree or another in our lives and relationships so we need to approach this a bit of realism. Second, fear is a legitimate emotion that can and does serve a potential positive purpose when we are faced with "real" danger. And, even when our fears are more the product of our imagination we can still benefit from them when and if we take the time to listen to what our fear might be trying to tell us. Finally, if we can learn to live "through" our fears and not attempt to avoid fear at all cost by relying on surrogate temporary relief than fear can be a critically important teacher to our sense of well being. Now onto some of the ways fear can raise it's ugly head.
1. Ignoring red flags...We all have issues and no one is perfect but when our partners are exhibiting behavior that is destructive to them, us, or the family than we need to address the red flag and when we don't it is generally because of fear. Fear of rejection, retribution, being yelled at, dismissed, etc. are all possible reasons why we may turn a blind eye to abuse, destructive addictions, mismanagement of finances, etc.
2. Failure to make commitments...We sometimes assume that since we have made our marriage vows and as long as we are "faithful" in our marriages/ relationships than we have fulfilled our commitments. Commitment is something we need to do daily and keep up to date, so to speak. Also, commitments ought to cover the various aspects of our relationships. Some of us may be faithful to keep our commitment to be monogamous but we lack the commitment to be intimate emotionally due to fear of getting too close to our partners, perhaps out of a fear of rejection...or...we may not be committed to work "through" and seek out solutions to conflicts that arise in all relationships...but... failure to meet these ongoing commitments can be as destructive as failing to be faithful partners.
3. Extreme Separation anxiety: If we are clinging onto our partners too tight, too often we will probably drive them away...and...if they feel engulfed by our actions they may pull up the draw bridge, go back into the castle, and leave us standing outside the castle walls alone...which will trigger our worst fears which will drive us to become even more clingly...and...the cycle begins again with each new episode a little bit more intense than the time before. The inability to be alone, at times, generally reflects a fear of being alone.
I think I'll stop for now. I have a lot of other fears to address but I'll wait for another day.
1. Ignoring red flags...We all have issues and no one is perfect but when our partners are exhibiting behavior that is destructive to them, us, or the family than we need to address the red flag and when we don't it is generally because of fear. Fear of rejection, retribution, being yelled at, dismissed, etc. are all possible reasons why we may turn a blind eye to abuse, destructive addictions, mismanagement of finances, etc.
2. Failure to make commitments...We sometimes assume that since we have made our marriage vows and as long as we are "faithful" in our marriages/ relationships than we have fulfilled our commitments. Commitment is something we need to do daily and keep up to date, so to speak. Also, commitments ought to cover the various aspects of our relationships. Some of us may be faithful to keep our commitment to be monogamous but we lack the commitment to be intimate emotionally due to fear of getting too close to our partners, perhaps out of a fear of rejection...or...we may not be committed to work "through" and seek out solutions to conflicts that arise in all relationships...but... failure to meet these ongoing commitments can be as destructive as failing to be faithful partners.
3. Extreme Separation anxiety: If we are clinging onto our partners too tight, too often we will probably drive them away...and...if they feel engulfed by our actions they may pull up the draw bridge, go back into the castle, and leave us standing outside the castle walls alone...which will trigger our worst fears which will drive us to become even more clingly...and...the cycle begins again with each new episode a little bit more intense than the time before. The inability to be alone, at times, generally reflects a fear of being alone.
I think I'll stop for now. I have a lot of other fears to address but I'll wait for another day.
Monday, February 23, 2009
It is not uncommon to find someone who fears engulfment matched with someone who fears abandonment. This can be a lethal combination unless both partners are able to work “through” and learn to “hold” their fears and understand “how” it causes a significant amount of insecurity and lack of intimacy in their relationships. The two partners dance back and forth, sometimes for years, and more often than not, they trip, step on each others feet and are constantly questioning why dancing isn’t as fun as it used to be. Bryn Collin in her book Emotionally Unavailable describes the dance routine of the person who fears engulfment this way… The emotionally unavailable person has come to believe that letting someone get too close is risky and when someone gets too close, alarm bells off and they back away. But that is not the end of it because when the unavailable partner gets too distant that turns out to be just as scary, and this causes them to seek to initiate a connection until they back off again and thus the cycle is repeated…but, at some point along the way the more available partner stops being able to trust or predict the relationship and instead lives in constant questioning mode and insecurity. This pattern of approach, pull back, keep partner at arm’s length, not too close and not to far keeps the relationship in neutral and unable to grow.
David Richo has his own description of the dance routine of those who fear abandonment and engulfment and he describes it this way…
The fear of abandonment is present when one is afraid their partner will leave and so she clings; he fears she is getting too close and so he flees. This keeps them in an endless dance in which one chases and the other runs. One partner is needy and desperate and the other is aloof and harried. A neurotic fit has occurred, and the partners may continue this pattern for years. One partner is so afraid of being alone that they may line up a back-up partner, and when that new partner seems to offer all that could they could possibly want, they may leave the original partner for them…..Both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment are phantom fears, like phantom pain. Abandonment and engulfment already happened in the powerless past of childhood and cannot really happen to adults. An adult cannot be abandoned, only left, not engulfed, only crowded.
If this dance sounds familiar to you you are not alone.We have all danced this dance before but some of us have never gotten past this particular routine but once we become familiar with the dance routine hopefully we can change the dance before it's too late and we have to find a new dance partner.
David Richo has his own description of the dance routine of those who fear abandonment and engulfment and he describes it this way…
The fear of abandonment is present when one is afraid their partner will leave and so she clings; he fears she is getting too close and so he flees. This keeps them in an endless dance in which one chases and the other runs. One partner is needy and desperate and the other is aloof and harried. A neurotic fit has occurred, and the partners may continue this pattern for years. One partner is so afraid of being alone that they may line up a back-up partner, and when that new partner seems to offer all that could they could possibly want, they may leave the original partner for them…..Both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment are phantom fears, like phantom pain. Abandonment and engulfment already happened in the powerless past of childhood and cannot really happen to adults. An adult cannot be abandoned, only left, not engulfed, only crowded.
If this dance sounds familiar to you you are not alone.We have all danced this dance before but some of us have never gotten past this particular routine but once we become familiar with the dance routine hopefully we can change the dance before it's too late and we have to find a new dance partner.
The fear of intimacy is quite often related to the fear of abandonment or engulfment. While both the fear of abandonment and engulfment may have their origin in childhood there are some who have experienced this kind of fear primarily in their adult relationships. When experienced in childhood one is not equipped to deal with this kind of fear and if one does not have adult support, which is most often the case, then one is left to defend and cope any way one can. This often means establishing coping strategies that may often work in the short term but have potentially negative side effects in the long run. These coping strategies are often carried over to our adult relationships and that is where they can wreak havoc on our relationships. Because this kind of fear is so common in our lives and our personal relationships I am going to devote a series of posts that explore this issue in depth. To me this is simply not a theoretical issue. I have seen this effect all my relationships to one degree or another and consider it to be one of the greatest challenges impacting many of our relationships. To get the ball rolling I’ll start with a couple of quotes from David Richo’s excellent book “When Fear Meets Love”
The fear of giving and receiving may be the fear of engulfment. The fear of comings and goings may be the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of someone getting too close, and the fear of abandonment is the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. A healthy person is one who can relate to someone without being overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment if the other goes away and without being overwhelmed by the fear of engulfment if the other draws too near. The fear of abandonment and engulfment represent our deepest doubts about our own worthiness to be loved. Others cannot love me permanently and loyally. They will leave me once they really know me or tire of me. This is the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment also has to do with self-diminishment: I have so little within me that if I let someone really touch me at a soulful level, I will lose something of myself.
Abandonment is terrifying also because we feel so powerful at the moment it occurs. This combination of fear and powerlessness is what made an original abandonment experience from childhood leave so indelible mark on us. We feel panic when the other withdraws, so we pursue more intensely, and this makes a partner panic and push us away even more. Our way of taking care of ourselves is precisely what makes us the more abandoned! It is a self-defeat in the guise of self-protection.
The fear of giving and receiving may be the fear of engulfment. The fear of comings and goings may be the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of someone getting too close, and the fear of abandonment is the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. A healthy person is one who can relate to someone without being overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment if the other goes away and without being overwhelmed by the fear of engulfment if the other draws too near. The fear of abandonment and engulfment represent our deepest doubts about our own worthiness to be loved. Others cannot love me permanently and loyally. They will leave me once they really know me or tire of me. This is the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment also has to do with self-diminishment: I have so little within me that if I let someone really touch me at a soulful level, I will lose something of myself.
Abandonment is terrifying also because we feel so powerful at the moment it occurs. This combination of fear and powerlessness is what made an original abandonment experience from childhood leave so indelible mark on us. We feel panic when the other withdraws, so we pursue more intensely, and this makes a partner panic and push us away even more. Our way of taking care of ourselves is precisely what makes us the more abandoned! It is a self-defeat in the guise of self-protection.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The wall we build to keep love out will also keep fear in. Most of us have early and recent histories of danger and abandonment associated with our giving and receiving of love. We may have erected walls to keep ourselves safe, walls that also keep us from being loved. The fear of being loved can be rationalized as the fear of rejection or engulfment. Actually, very profound and unhealed wounds in our psyches luck behind our fears of closeness. Acceptance and love from someone toward us involve an engaged focus on us that may be terrifying. Without a history of safety in being loved, we many never have learned how to receive such affection-bearing attention…We fear love when we run from commitment, refuse to state that we want to be loved, refuse to hear it said to us, refuse to receive it. David Richo
It is very difficult to admit to oneself or others that we fear love, commitment, or deeper intimacy with others...but...if one has been wounded, and we all have to various degrees than it stands to reason that we have or continue to put up walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. While it may be understandable and I suppose needed in some cases to put walls between ourselves and others to protect us from further hurt, to "continue" to do so with our partners on a regular basis seems counterproductive in the long run. I think it is also important to explore and consider that the level of fear that triggers us to build walls between us and our loved ones may be, in part, the projection of past wounds. This is important to consider because if we want to mindful about the present we need to be mindful about "how" the past may be effecting the present. On a personal note...Abandonment, neglect, and rejection and the fear associated with these ghosts haunt my past and thus effect my present. These ghosts have wreaked havoc for years on my ability to feel comfortable accepting love from others, asking what I need or want in a relationship, avoiding conflict,almost at all cost, appeasing and deferring to others, putting up with emotional abuse, and a host of other problems which are too many to name. The nature of all relationships is a dance but if one or both partners are afraid to dance than maybe it is time to both explore the source of the fear and search for ways to nurture ourselves when the ghosts of our past come to haunt us in the present.
Fear convinces us not to risk, that is, not to act bravely and creatively. Fear is the only obstacle to love. David Richo
In a couple of previous posts I mentioned some actions and things that undermine relationships, things like, working too much, criticizing your partner in public, indifference, being emotionally unavailable, etc. As I have reflected on my own relationships and listened to others talk about their own relationship failures, disappointments, or ongoing struggles the shadow of fear seems to loom near or at the center of many of our relationship struggles. Fear to be vulnerable, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of speaking up for ourselves, fear of leaving, fear of staying, these and other types of fear seem to be more often than not, one, if not the primary underlying cause of most our relationship problems. During my adult life I have been married once and have had three other serious relationships and as I have pondered the melt down of my marriage and why my other relationships have not reached the level of commitment or intimacy I had hoped for, fear, seems to be a repeating theme in every case which is why I want to explore this topic in greater depth in the days and weeks to come.
In a couple of previous posts I mentioned some actions and things that undermine relationships, things like, working too much, criticizing your partner in public, indifference, being emotionally unavailable, etc. As I have reflected on my own relationships and listened to others talk about their own relationship failures, disappointments, or ongoing struggles the shadow of fear seems to loom near or at the center of many of our relationship struggles. Fear to be vulnerable, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of speaking up for ourselves, fear of leaving, fear of staying, these and other types of fear seem to be more often than not, one, if not the primary underlying cause of most our relationship problems. During my adult life I have been married once and have had three other serious relationships and as I have pondered the melt down of my marriage and why my other relationships have not reached the level of commitment or intimacy I had hoped for, fear, seems to be a repeating theme in every case which is why I want to explore this topic in greater depth in the days and weeks to come.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Ever feel like you are banging your head up against the wall regarding your relationships? You've tried everything, counseling, reading books, endless conversations with your partner, and lots and lots of prayer. In our culture today we have come to expect that if we do this or that things will work out and get better but at times life's experiences seem to contradict this axiom. So, what are we to do, give up, leave the relationship, bury ourselves in work, or call time out?...It is not my place to tell anyone whether to go or stay but when I have run out of energy and options and no cure is in sight I have learned that is probably the time to take a deep breath and turn my attention towards caring for my soul. On the surface it may be difficult to see the relationship between caring and nurturing ourselves and fulfilling our responsibility to love our partners/mates but I am of the opinion that these two goals are not mutually exclusive...because...sometimes, void and space are necessary for individual transformation and when we feel nurtured and at peace with ourselves we can't help but be a better partner, lover, friend, and soulmate....I'll conclude with a couple of quotes from Thomas Moore's book called "Care of the Soul"
The vessel in which soulmaking takes place is an inner container scooped out by reflection and wonder. There is no doubt that some people could spare themselves the expense and trouble of psychotherapy simply by giving themselves a few minutes each day for quiet reflections….Akin to pausing, and just as important in care of the soul, is taking time. Taking time with things, we get to know then more intimately and to feel more genuinely connected to them.
Care of the soul requires craft—skill—attention and art. To live with a high degree of artfulness means to attend to the small things that keep the soul engaged in whatever we are doing, and it is the very heart of soul making…but…to the soul, the most minute details and the most ordinary activities, carried out with mindfulness and art, have an effect far beyond their apparent insignificance…Living artfully, therefore, might require something as simple as pausing. Some people are incapable of being arrested by things because they are always on the move. A common symptom of modern life is that there is no time for thought, or even for letting impressions of a day sink in…
The vessel in which soulmaking takes place is an inner container scooped out by reflection and wonder. There is no doubt that some people could spare themselves the expense and trouble of psychotherapy simply by giving themselves a few minutes each day for quiet reflections….Akin to pausing, and just as important in care of the soul, is taking time. Taking time with things, we get to know then more intimately and to feel more genuinely connected to them.
Care of the soul requires craft—skill—attention and art. To live with a high degree of artfulness means to attend to the small things that keep the soul engaged in whatever we are doing, and it is the very heart of soul making…but…to the soul, the most minute details and the most ordinary activities, carried out with mindfulness and art, have an effect far beyond their apparent insignificance…Living artfully, therefore, might require something as simple as pausing. Some people are incapable of being arrested by things because they are always on the move. A common symptom of modern life is that there is no time for thought, or even for letting impressions of a day sink in…
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sam Keen writes:
We are ultimately at home in the world not through dominating or explaining or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for. Care moves love from feeling into action, from self to other, from getting to giving. When we care, we take responsibility for and seek the well-being and fulfillment of another person. Caring liberates us from modern individualism, where I do my thing and you do your thing, and it carries us beyond the sweet spontaneity and intoxication of the romantic adrenaline-endorphin cocktail into the realm of consideration and thoughtfulness….but…for many, care is considered a drag, an ordeal to be avoided if possible. There is no hint that it may be “more blessed to give than to receive,” that much of the meaning of our lives is created by tending, nurturing, and taking responsibility for the well-being of others.
Love has many faces and caring and being cared for are an important part of the landscape of love. Unfortunately, as the Keen suggests, taking care of another, particularly if they can take themself is often considered a drag for many...but...I can't help wondering how much deeper our love might grow if we "mutually" spent more time and effort putting lotion and rubbing our partners feet, helped with the dishes, ran an errand for our loved one, or did something without being asked.
We are ultimately at home in the world not through dominating or explaining or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for. Care moves love from feeling into action, from self to other, from getting to giving. When we care, we take responsibility for and seek the well-being and fulfillment of another person. Caring liberates us from modern individualism, where I do my thing and you do your thing, and it carries us beyond the sweet spontaneity and intoxication of the romantic adrenaline-endorphin cocktail into the realm of consideration and thoughtfulness….but…for many, care is considered a drag, an ordeal to be avoided if possible. There is no hint that it may be “more blessed to give than to receive,” that much of the meaning of our lives is created by tending, nurturing, and taking responsibility for the well-being of others.
Love has many faces and caring and being cared for are an important part of the landscape of love. Unfortunately, as the Keen suggests, taking care of another, particularly if they can take themself is often considered a drag for many...but...I can't help wondering how much deeper our love might grow if we "mutually" spent more time and effort putting lotion and rubbing our partners feet, helped with the dishes, ran an errand for our loved one, or did something without being asked.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
During the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day a lot of people focus on the joys and pleasures of love and romance which is in my opinion a thing. Despite the ups and downs of relationships and the intense pain we may experience at times in our relationships I do still believe relationships provide the best fertile ground for personal growth, healing and a deep and mature experience and understanding of the meaning of love...but... Today I was reminded of the "dark side" of relationships. Relationships do hurt us and at times the pain is so deep it remains with us for years if not a lifetime. We tend to associate a "dark night of the soul" with the individual but the source of many of our dark nights more often than not originates from our relationships with others. Following are some quotes to remind us all of something we already know but prefer to repress most of the time regarding our relationships.
Frequently love doesn’t work out or it gets stale…love is bittersweet…People often talk about love’s sweetness and keep its bitterness private…Love is a kind of madness. It seals you in a bubble of fantasy where emotions are intense and you most often feel unbalanced.
Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain. It can mature you like few other experiences can, but the process in neither nor entirely pleasurable.
In some instances love may ask near impossible patience. You may have to wait for circumstances to change, for the loved one to wake up to the possibility of real love.
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
But lest we fall into despair let us not forget,
"To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…
Frequently love doesn’t work out or it gets stale…love is bittersweet…People often talk about love’s sweetness and keep its bitterness private…Love is a kind of madness. It seals you in a bubble of fantasy where emotions are intense and you most often feel unbalanced.
Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain. It can mature you like few other experiences can, but the process in neither nor entirely pleasurable.
In some instances love may ask near impossible patience. You may have to wait for circumstances to change, for the loved one to wake up to the possibility of real love.
Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.
But lest we fall into despair let us not forget,
"To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…
Monday, February 16, 2009
At the very heart of sex lies a profound affirmation of life, giving us reason for living, optimism, and energy. At every step, this process can be wounded, and weakened by a fear of vitality and a failure to trust in life, in others and in oneself. Everywhere we are told to set limits on eros, to be careful that we are not lost in its passion. But if we listen to these worried cautions, we may end up with only a modicum of self-possession purchased at the cost of life’s passion. Eros may go underground as seething, dark desire, and the surface of life may turn mechanical and controlled, cheerless and humorless....Thomas Moore, The Soul of Sex
From time to time I intend to touch on the subject of sex. Sex is a difficult subject for many people to talk about but I do hope to discuss the subject in a way that hopefully will shed some light on a very important aspect of our being and the human experience. I grew up in an era when nobody talked about sex openly except in passing and generally in some kind of negative context...so...many of us were left to learn what we could on our own and confusion was par for the course as we tried to reconcile our limited experiences with the often brief but negative messages from most adults who pontificated about the subject from time to time. I am fortunate I didn't experience any negative experiences that one often associates with sexual abuse. I was confused though about sex much of the time until I decided to abandon and ignore much of what I had heard about sex and explore the subject for myself. In future posts I don't intend to offer any advise on the subject... but... I do hope to stir the imagination and tease the reader to explore and meditate about sex in a way that hopefully opens some doors which further might lead to greater fulfillment not just physically but spiritually, as well, because sex is more than just a physical act between two consenting adults.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Now that Valentine's Day is come and gone I find myself pondering and reflecting again on my own journey and the connection with my relationships. Valentine's Day is a great reminder of the joy and happiness that is associated with love and romance and it is critically important that we never lose sight of the potential healing and growth that can be experienced in the fertile soil of our relationships with others. But, we also know by experience that joy, happiness, healing and growth are also achieved by way of struggle, conflict, and hardship. This morning during my reading I was reminded by David Richo that the process of transformation has it's own timetable which cannot and shouldn't be circumvented by our own desire and compulsion to get past the emotional pain often associated with our own issues and it's effect on our relationships. The following quote is not directed towards relationships but the implications are there nonetheless. This particular quote was taken from Richo's book, When the Past is Present.
The work of addressing, processing, resolving, and integrating our issues at hand cannot be rushed to the scene of our wounding so that we can “get over it” quickly. Some events teach us so much when we allow them to work themselves out in their own time and way. Some experiences have to be lived with for while before they can resolve themselves. Time is required between problem and solution, question and answer, issue and resolution. We grow from resting in ambiguity of that between space. We gain an opportunity to feel our feelings all the way…In the meantime, we may find our ego becoming destabilized, but that can be a path to a firmer sense of our adult powers. We can become stronger for the next time something challenges us in a similar way…The between-pause can expand us, balance us, deepen us. Those three benefits are more valuable than the remedy we locate when we address immediately, process too swiftly, resolve too suddenly, and attempt to integrate prematurely. The compulsion to clear things up too quickly does not honor the timing all things take and may lose us the gift that time can give. As we mature in spiritual consciously, we act more like farmers tending their crops than like generals ordering their troops…Timing is an essential ingredient of transformation and as we honor the timing of events and people, even our questions soften and change. We no longer ask, “What has this person done to me? but “What can this be for me?” We do not ask, “Why did this happen to me?” but “How has or can this help me grow?” In fact, every “Why?” becomes “Yes, now what?
The work of addressing, processing, resolving, and integrating our issues at hand cannot be rushed to the scene of our wounding so that we can “get over it” quickly. Some events teach us so much when we allow them to work themselves out in their own time and way. Some experiences have to be lived with for while before they can resolve themselves. Time is required between problem and solution, question and answer, issue and resolution. We grow from resting in ambiguity of that between space. We gain an opportunity to feel our feelings all the way…In the meantime, we may find our ego becoming destabilized, but that can be a path to a firmer sense of our adult powers. We can become stronger for the next time something challenges us in a similar way…The between-pause can expand us, balance us, deepen us. Those three benefits are more valuable than the remedy we locate when we address immediately, process too swiftly, resolve too suddenly, and attempt to integrate prematurely. The compulsion to clear things up too quickly does not honor the timing all things take and may lose us the gift that time can give. As we mature in spiritual consciously, we act more like farmers tending their crops than like generals ordering their troops…Timing is an essential ingredient of transformation and as we honor the timing of events and people, even our questions soften and change. We no longer ask, “What has this person done to me? but “What can this be for me?” We do not ask, “Why did this happen to me?” but “How has or can this help me grow?” In fact, every “Why?” becomes “Yes, now what?
Friday, February 13, 2009
I ran across this poem months ago. I really liked it because it reflects the heart, soul,and spirit of Valentines Day. If you have a lover than please feel free to pass it along and if you don't than hold it dear to your heart until a lover comes along...Happy Valentine's Day.
If you could see inside my soul
see inside my heart
you would know how I long for you
whenever we're apart
If you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know how I cherish you
how much you mean to me
In all the ways you comfort me
the way you hold me near
the way you know just what to do
to chase away my fear
The sparkle in your beautiful eyes
your smile, laugh, your touch
are just a few of many reasons
I love you oh so much
Knowing I can talk to you
about any and everything
and knowing together we will get
through whatever life may bring
I could search the whole world over
and this I know is true
I would never find another love
like the love I found with you
Though with each new day, each sunrise
we can't know what's in store
there is one thing I know for sure
each day I love you more
So if you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know I blessed I feel
to have you here with me.
If you could see inside my soul
see inside my heart
you would know how I long for you
whenever we're apart
If you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know how I cherish you
how much you mean to me
In all the ways you comfort me
the way you hold me near
the way you know just what to do
to chase away my fear
The sparkle in your beautiful eyes
your smile, laugh, your touch
are just a few of many reasons
I love you oh so much
Knowing I can talk to you
about any and everything
and knowing together we will get
through whatever life may bring
I could search the whole world over
and this I know is true
I would never find another love
like the love I found with you
Though with each new day, each sunrise
we can't know what's in store
there is one thing I know for sure
each day I love you more
So if you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know I blessed I feel
to have you here with me.
1. Does Valentine’s Day ever live up to anyone’s expectations?...I personally haven't experienced anything particularly bad on Valentine's Day but I also don’t remember any knock your socks off happenings either. I think I am due for a rock em sock em light and laser show.
2. Valentine Day cards were originally handwritten and gained popularity during the
Revolutionary War. I wonder why it took a war to get us all aboard the love boat once and for all.
3. American’s are expected to spend an average of 103 dollars on Valentine gifts this year and 14.7 billion nationwide. I don’t ever remember spending that much on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm, maybe that is why I am still single.
4. Men buy about 75 percent of the flower’s each year which means women buy the other 25 percent. I don’t ever remember getting any flowers, ever. What’s up with that?
5. During the Victorian Era several countries banned Valentine Day’s cards and the
city of Chicago rejected 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were indecent. But, in the end even the prudish Victorians couldn’t trump the power of love.
6. The Hallmark card company currently has over 1300 different Valentine’s Day
cards. No wonder it is so difficult to pick just the right card.
7. It is estimated that over 50 percent of men do not make any “specific” plans for
Valentine’s Day. Shame on those men who are not pulling their weight. It makes the rest us who are busting our butts to make our women happy look bad.
8. According to one website teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. I don’t believe this statistic to be true. I am a high school teacher and I haven’t received a single Valentine Day’s card for years…and…I am single, good looking, charming, and super intelligent. Well, maybe two out of four. I’ll let you try and guess which two.
9. This year it is estimated that 14 couples are going to tie the knot on the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Just be careful and don’t forget what happened to King Kong and his sweetheart when they decided to rendezvous on the top of the Empire State building. And, if you do hear the sound of airplanes during the ceremony don’t stand up and beat your chest…duck…
10. During the Middle Ages single women would eat unusual foods on Valentine’s
Day to have a dream about their future husband. Now, they subscribe to
E-Harmony because they don’t want to leave anything to chance.
2. Valentine Day cards were originally handwritten and gained popularity during the
Revolutionary War. I wonder why it took a war to get us all aboard the love boat once and for all.
3. American’s are expected to spend an average of 103 dollars on Valentine gifts this year and 14.7 billion nationwide. I don’t ever remember spending that much on Valentine’s Day. Hmmm, maybe that is why I am still single.
4. Men buy about 75 percent of the flower’s each year which means women buy the other 25 percent. I don’t ever remember getting any flowers, ever. What’s up with that?
5. During the Victorian Era several countries banned Valentine Day’s cards and the
city of Chicago rejected 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were indecent. But, in the end even the prudish Victorians couldn’t trump the power of love.
6. The Hallmark card company currently has over 1300 different Valentine’s Day
cards. No wonder it is so difficult to pick just the right card.
7. It is estimated that over 50 percent of men do not make any “specific” plans for
Valentine’s Day. Shame on those men who are not pulling their weight. It makes the rest us who are busting our butts to make our women happy look bad.
8. According to one website teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. I don’t believe this statistic to be true. I am a high school teacher and I haven’t received a single Valentine Day’s card for years…and…I am single, good looking, charming, and super intelligent. Well, maybe two out of four. I’ll let you try and guess which two.
9. This year it is estimated that 14 couples are going to tie the knot on the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Just be careful and don’t forget what happened to King Kong and his sweetheart when they decided to rendezvous on the top of the Empire State building. And, if you do hear the sound of airplanes during the ceremony don’t stand up and beat your chest…duck…
10. During the Middle Ages single women would eat unusual foods on Valentine’s
Day to have a dream about their future husband. Now, they subscribe to
E-Harmony because they don’t want to leave anything to chance.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Due to the recent economic meltdown I suspect more people are going to stay in this year so I have put together a list of movies for this special occasion. Since most people have seen the usual suspects like Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, Whose Got Mail, Pretty Woman, etc. I have decided to put together a list of films that might fly under most people’s radar because they aren’t as well known as some of the heavy hitters or they are just fun films which blend well with the spirit of the holiday. If you are going to watch a film with your loved one this year you might want to check out one of these films if you are looking for something a bit out of the mainstream.
1.At the top of my list is a film called The Truth About Cats and Dogs. This film is a romantic comedy which stars Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I confess I am obsessed with Garofalo therefore I forfeit any claim to objectivity but this is a quirky, offbeat film that is funny and appealing to those of us who like to root for the underdog.
2.The Disney classic Beauty and the Beast is my all-time favorite Disney movie. I just love everything about this film, the story, the colors, the music, and the underlying message that love is transformational and conquers all in the end.
3.Phenomenon staring John Travolta might, at first glance, not seem like a likely candidate for Valentine’s Day but this film is a powerful film which touches me on a deep level and the love that is shared between Travolta and his girlfriend always brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
4.When a Man Loves a Woman starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan is a realistic portrayal about the ups and downs of married life and the sacrificial love exhibited by Garcia’s character is a reminder to us all of a deep love that is as important as romantic love.
5.Jerry McGuire starring the trio of Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was a popular comedy with heart. Cuba Gooding was a riot, Cruise was, well Cruise, and Zellweger was convincing enough to tug on my heart strings…and…I loved the ending. Maybe love can last forever.
6.Shadowlands which stars Debra Winger and Anthony Hopkins is a true “unexpected” love story between C.S. Lewis, the famous British writer, and an American woman named Joy Davidson. The deep love that develops and grows over time between these two lovers reminds us that love can develop anytime, any place, and is not limited to our conventional wisdom regarding what a good match might look like.
7.If you are not in a serious, particularly romantic mood, than you might want to check out A Knights Tale. This is just a fun film which grabbed me at the beginning with Queen’s We Will Rock You. It’s a love story at heart but it’s a fun wild ride along the way and one of my favorite Heath Ledger movies.
8.Wall-E is the latest and maybe greatest Pixar movie to date. While we generally associate Pixar films with Saturday afternoon kiddie shows this film is in it’s essence a love story that any adult with a open heart will benefit from seeing.
9.If you up for a romantic musical journey than check out Across the Universe. Set to the music of the Beatles this love story was well worth the ten bucks I paid to see it during prime time. While I don’t remember too much about the overall storyline I do remember it made an impression on me and I intend to see it again soon.
10.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the only film I have yet to see and I am including it on this list because “my sources on the street” recommended this film highly. It stars Jim Carey and Kate Winslet if one is looking for something really different from one of Hollywood’s most unique real life comic book characters than you might want to give this film a look. I intend to do so soon.
1.At the top of my list is a film called The Truth About Cats and Dogs. This film is a romantic comedy which stars Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo. I confess I am obsessed with Garofalo therefore I forfeit any claim to objectivity but this is a quirky, offbeat film that is funny and appealing to those of us who like to root for the underdog.
2.The Disney classic Beauty and the Beast is my all-time favorite Disney movie. I just love everything about this film, the story, the colors, the music, and the underlying message that love is transformational and conquers all in the end.
3.Phenomenon staring John Travolta might, at first glance, not seem like a likely candidate for Valentine’s Day but this film is a powerful film which touches me on a deep level and the love that is shared between Travolta and his girlfriend always brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
4.When a Man Loves a Woman starring Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan is a realistic portrayal about the ups and downs of married life and the sacrificial love exhibited by Garcia’s character is a reminder to us all of a deep love that is as important as romantic love.
5.Jerry McGuire starring the trio of Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. was a popular comedy with heart. Cuba Gooding was a riot, Cruise was, well Cruise, and Zellweger was convincing enough to tug on my heart strings…and…I loved the ending. Maybe love can last forever.
6.Shadowlands which stars Debra Winger and Anthony Hopkins is a true “unexpected” love story between C.S. Lewis, the famous British writer, and an American woman named Joy Davidson. The deep love that develops and grows over time between these two lovers reminds us that love can develop anytime, any place, and is not limited to our conventional wisdom regarding what a good match might look like.
7.If you are not in a serious, particularly romantic mood, than you might want to check out A Knights Tale. This is just a fun film which grabbed me at the beginning with Queen’s We Will Rock You. It’s a love story at heart but it’s a fun wild ride along the way and one of my favorite Heath Ledger movies.
8.Wall-E is the latest and maybe greatest Pixar movie to date. While we generally associate Pixar films with Saturday afternoon kiddie shows this film is in it’s essence a love story that any adult with a open heart will benefit from seeing.
9.If you up for a romantic musical journey than check out Across the Universe. Set to the music of the Beatles this love story was well worth the ten bucks I paid to see it during prime time. While I don’t remember too much about the overall storyline I do remember it made an impression on me and I intend to see it again soon.
10.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the only film I have yet to see and I am including it on this list because “my sources on the street” recommended this film highly. It stars Jim Carey and Kate Winslet if one is looking for something really different from one of Hollywood’s most unique real life comic book characters than you might want to give this film a look. I intend to do so soon.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Maintaining an ongoing relationship with almost anyone over a long period of time is a one of the biggest challenges in life especially at this time in history when our culture on so many different levels does not offer the kind of supportive structure that is conducive for healthy individual and family relationships to flourish. Sure, our bookstores are filled with books on relationships and if you have insurance one can always go into marriage or family counseling but in my opinion these are the last line of defense. By the time most people resort to resorting to such actions there generally has been a significant amount of damage already done. Relationships are complex and I don’t want to suggest that there are any easy answers but there are some things that we can all “try” to practice on a regular basis. I call these activities damage control. These activities will not save anyone’s marriage nor do they touch the heart and soul of our interpersonal relationships…but… but if practiced on a regular basis here and there perhaps they might just help us from wounding each other to the point where the emotional pain prevents us from being able to reflect and process our situations clearly. So, here is a list of actions that I believe undermine our interpersonal relationships and should be avoided at all costs.
1.Criticize your partner in public
2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.
3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.
4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.
5.Unrealistic expectations.
6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.
7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.
8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.
9.Trying to change your partner.
10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship
11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.
12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.
13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.
14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.
15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.
1.Criticize your partner in public
2.Don’t allow your partner to be an individual with their own interests and passions.
3.Be emotionally indifferent to your partner. Don’t tell them you love them, thank them, or appreciate them on a regular basis.
4.Don’t be emotionally available. Don’t share your anxieties, fears, concerns, with your partner.
5.Unrealistic expectations.
6.Deferring to the other person all the time in an effort to keep the peace…because…resentment is one of the major effects when you do so.
7.Lack of reciprocation. While some people may like to feel in charge of a situation, in the long run always being the initiator grows old.
8.Losing yourself in the relationship. Marriage is our “primary” relationship if we are married but when one or both partners don’t also have a life outside of their relationship the burden of providing for the emotional and physical needs of another human being often becomes too much to one person to bare.
9.Trying to change your partner.
10.Focusing too much on what is wrong with your relationship
11.Comparing your relationship with other people’s relationships.
12.Blaming your partner exclusively for the problems in your relationship. Generally, it takes two to tango, although sometimes, we may get hoodwinked on false pretenses into a particular relationship.
13.My way or the highway. The need some people have to control their environment and their mates in the process may provide temporary satisfaction for the controller but one day your partner may wake up and declare their independence and then the gig and your marriage may be over.
14.Using scorched earth tactics to get your way and then justifying the means by the end.
15. Don’t continue to rehash the past.
Monday, February 9, 2009
In the previous blog entry I raised the possibility that there may be other forces at work which prevent us from providing the attention our relationships may need and deserve. In this blog post I am going to briefly take a look at just one of the factors that frequently and potentially may undermine our relationships. I use the word potentially because the individual nature of relationships doesn’t warrant a one shoe fits all approach to what makes a relationship work. I have seen and heard about relationships that would never work for me but apparently do for some. Heck, I have even heard about relationships working for people who live apart much of the year on opposite sides of the country. I’ll begin with one of the factors that is quite common and often goes under the radar when people are exploring why their own relationships are no longer providing the emotional and physical satisfaction they may have once experienced.
Workaholism---Because working hard and long hours is considered socially acceptable in this country, for the most part, this behavior doesn’t get the attention it needs in my opinion. I am not talking about working late from time to time but working long hours on a consistent basis or working so hard that you have no energy when you get home. If you question whether you fit into this category check the list at the bottom which contains some of the classic characteristics of a workaholic. Relationships require ongoing attention and if one or both partners become ships passing in the night or work so hard they have nothing to give at the end of the day, and emotional and physical needs go unmet, then it is generally only a matter of time until one or both of the partners may begin to drift, complain and nag each other.
Characteristics of workaholics
You talk about work all the time even when you are home.
You consistently choose work over family
You forget about non-work appointments and household tasks
You get anxious when you’re not working
You firmly believe that you can’t get it done right unless you do it yourself
You hide how much work you do
You take a lot of work home and do a lot of work at home even though you already spend more than eight hours a day at work
You choose to work on the week-ends frequently even though you are not required to.
You can’t shut your brain off from thinking about work and regularly can’t get to sleep at night.
You not only do not take time for your partner or family but you don’t take time to take care of yourself
You feel uneasy while on vacation and can’t wait to get back to work?
You communicate better with coworkers than with family and friends?
You associate success with hard work.
Your identity is primarily associated with your work and not with your marriage or family.
You frequently tell others how hard you work
Your emotional needs are almost exclusively met through your work and not your marriage/relationship and family.
Workaholism---Because working hard and long hours is considered socially acceptable in this country, for the most part, this behavior doesn’t get the attention it needs in my opinion. I am not talking about working late from time to time but working long hours on a consistent basis or working so hard that you have no energy when you get home. If you question whether you fit into this category check the list at the bottom which contains some of the classic characteristics of a workaholic. Relationships require ongoing attention and if one or both partners become ships passing in the night or work so hard they have nothing to give at the end of the day, and emotional and physical needs go unmet, then it is generally only a matter of time until one or both of the partners may begin to drift, complain and nag each other.
Characteristics of workaholics
You talk about work all the time even when you are home.
You consistently choose work over family
You forget about non-work appointments and household tasks
You get anxious when you’re not working
You firmly believe that you can’t get it done right unless you do it yourself
You hide how much work you do
You take a lot of work home and do a lot of work at home even though you already spend more than eight hours a day at work
You choose to work on the week-ends frequently even though you are not required to.
You can’t shut your brain off from thinking about work and regularly can’t get to sleep at night.
You not only do not take time for your partner or family but you don’t take time to take care of yourself
You feel uneasy while on vacation and can’t wait to get back to work?
You communicate better with coworkers than with family and friends?
You associate success with hard work.
Your identity is primarily associated with your work and not with your marriage or family.
You frequently tell others how hard you work
Your emotional needs are almost exclusively met through your work and not your marriage/relationship and family.
David Richo writes,
Behind every complaint in a relationship is a wish and heart desire for attention, allowance, acceptance, affirmation, or affection.
Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes. We need these to develop self esteem and a healthy ego.
Richo refers to these needs as the "five A's" in his book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" which is a book I recommend for a further exploration of how each of the five A's may manifest themselves in a relationships. Of course, simply identifying what may need to be done to improve our relationships is only one aspect of the relationship dance. If we aren't able or willing to do what we clearly know needs to be done than we may need to further explore why and what obstacles may be preventing us from providing our partners with the attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection they need and deserve.
Behind every complaint in a relationship is a wish and heart desire for attention, allowance, acceptance, affirmation, or affection.
Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and are allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes. We need these to develop self esteem and a healthy ego.
Richo refers to these needs as the "five A's" in his book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" which is a book I recommend for a further exploration of how each of the five A's may manifest themselves in a relationships. Of course, simply identifying what may need to be done to improve our relationships is only one aspect of the relationship dance. If we aren't able or willing to do what we clearly know needs to be done than we may need to further explore why and what obstacles may be preventing us from providing our partners with the attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection they need and deserve.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Here are a few more ponderings about love. These quotes are not intended to represent a definitive definition of what love is or isn't but rather to encourage us all to reflect on how we all give and receive love and please feel free to submit your own thoughts on the subject.
Love is being in a relationship based on equality and partnership. It’s not maintaining a subservient hierarchy.
Love is not controlling others.
Love is not constantly trying to rescue or fix others.
Love is not settling for too little in a relationship in an effort to protect one’s emotional security.
Love is not being a doormat to others.
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Love is like a campfire: It may be sparked quickly, and at first the kindling throws out a lot of heat, but it burns out quickly. For long lasting, steady warmth (with delightful bursts of intense heat from time to time), you must carefully tend the fire.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
Love is being stupid together
True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.
Love is being in a relationship based on equality and partnership. It’s not maintaining a subservient hierarchy.
Love is not controlling others.
Love is not constantly trying to rescue or fix others.
Love is not settling for too little in a relationship in an effort to protect one’s emotional security.
Love is not being a doormat to others.
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Love is like a campfire: It may be sparked quickly, and at first the kindling throws out a lot of heat, but it burns out quickly. For long lasting, steady warmth (with delightful bursts of intense heat from time to time), you must carefully tend the fire.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
Love is being stupid together
True love is when you put someone on a pedestal, and they fall - but you are there to catch them.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I don’t pretend to know the exact nature or meaning of love any better than the guy next door, after all, I am finite and love seems to infinite. In my readings over the past couple of years here are some of the more interesting comments I have stumbled across regarding the meaning and nature of love.
Love is not allowing or accepting others to define you.
Love is not beating or abusing oneself or others through actions or words.
Love is not “always” deferring one’s individual needs to others.
Love is not seeking the love or acceptance of others through neglecting oneself.
Love is not giving one’s heart to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable.
Love is cutting ties or surrendering to the death of a relationship that are not good for us.
Love is not staying in a relationship if the other person cannot or will not reciprocate or initiate love.
Love is not staying in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with us.
Love is telling others what you need or want in a relationship.
Love is not when you fall in love immediately with a new acquaintance.
Love is assigning boundaries to protect oneself.
Love is not being in one-sided relationships.
Love is not allowing or accepting others to define you.
Love is not beating or abusing oneself or others through actions or words.
Love is not “always” deferring one’s individual needs to others.
Love is not seeking the love or acceptance of others through neglecting oneself.
Love is not giving one’s heart to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable.
Love is cutting ties or surrendering to the death of a relationship that are not good for us.
Love is not staying in a relationship if the other person cannot or will not reciprocate or initiate love.
Love is not staying in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with us.
Love is telling others what you need or want in a relationship.
Love is not when you fall in love immediately with a new acquaintance.
Love is assigning boundaries to protect oneself.
Love is not being in one-sided relationships.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sam Keen writes: "Over the course of time a true love story will undergo constant revision in mood and mode. Because every enduring relationship is destined to confront the inevitable joys and sufferings of the human condition, the narrative of love can never end with a superficial “and they lived happily ever after.”…rather…It must be cast in all the classical forms in which stories are told---romance, tragedy, irony, and comedy. It will be a Technicolor take that includes longing, struggle, frustration, ecstasy, pleasure, pain, betrayal, fidelity, alienation, reconciliation, loneliness, communion, folly, wisdom, and every human emotion. So long as we remain in communion, we will always be in the process of co-authoring a never-ending story."
These comments by Keen pretty much speak for themselves. Of course, the real challenge is when the ongoing struggles, frustrations, pain, alienation and unfulfilled expectations, hopes and dreams of the marriage become seemingly never ending and the bliss, romance and ecstacy come to a screaching halt. What do we do then, try harder, go to counseling, resign ourselves to the possibility that things may never get better, or give up, try to cut one's losses an simply walk away. If one has been married for a long time one may experience doing all these things at one time or another. On this particular day I have no answers, no words of hope, only the memory that effort, prayer, and time are sometimes not enough. We live in an imperfect world, we are imperfect people and thus our relationships are imperfect. But the paradox is that love never dies even when our relationships fail. It just comes back at another time when we often least expect it.
I'll close with some more thoughts by Sam Keen, "A Love story is likely to be more a saga of an ongoing wrestling match than a description of a perfectly graceful dance---the harmonics of love emerge from clash—come together—move apart—clash---come together—move apart—clash—come together—move apart infinitum. In the background of love one can detect the clanging of armor"
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thomas Moore writes, "Continuous exposure to the arts is one of the best ways to prepare ourselves for relationship, much better than relying entirely on the psychological approach to life…Through immersion in the arts, our reflection on life becomes larger, so that when we are confronted with the challenges of relationship we will have a rich imagination to bring to them and the ability to think poetically."
This is one of the more interesting and potentially profound statements I have come across in my years of reading about relationships and I believe there is a lot of wisdom in what Moore has to say here. Over the years I have read my fair share of relationship books and attended a significant number of marriage counseling sessions which more often than not, mixed results. As I have gotten older I gradually find myself relying more on my intuition and my imagination particularly when it comes to problem solving and other issues in my interpersonal relationships. While I can't claim perfection in my dealing with others I have discovered that creative solutions or proposals often help to diffuse gridlock and open up conversation in a way that is often absent when one is hunkered down in lock down principles and absolutist positions.
This is one of the more interesting and potentially profound statements I have come across in my years of reading about relationships and I believe there is a lot of wisdom in what Moore has to say here. Over the years I have read my fair share of relationship books and attended a significant number of marriage counseling sessions which more often than not, mixed results. As I have gotten older I gradually find myself relying more on my intuition and my imagination particularly when it comes to problem solving and other issues in my interpersonal relationships. While I can't claim perfection in my dealing with others I have discovered that creative solutions or proposals often help to diffuse gridlock and open up conversation in a way that is often absent when one is hunkered down in lock down principles and absolutist positions.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sam Keen writes: "Different types of people express love in different ways. The native tongue of love may be: sharing ideas, fixing the washer, sending roses, listening, touching, or providing money for college. There are long- distance and short-distance lovers, those who thrive on solitude and occasional closeness and those who love best when they are engulfed in wall-to-wall intimacy. There are celibate lovers and those who are outrageously carnal, passionate intellectuals and great sensualists. Persons who approach the world primarily through thinking and analysis will express love in a different way from those for whom sensing and feeling are prime. Introverts and extroverts, receptive and aggressive individuals, will naturally specialize in different elements of love. How much duller the diamond would be without its many facets."
I wish I had known this about twenty years ago. So many of us are socialized and experience love in fairly narrow terms growing up and when our partners or mates don't live up to our particular expectation of what love should look like, as we have come to understand it, than we are often prone to feeling hurt and rejected. Love is bigger than any individual imagination and as we grow in our understanding of how love can potentially be expressed is so many ways than our gratitude will expand towards God, ourselves, and our partners.
Monday, February 2, 2009
In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude…Thomas Moore
Some partners feel threatened whenever their partner either explicitly or implicitly seeks space or time away. While too much time apart can potentially be a stumbling block to intimacy and the overall health of the relationship, time apart need not be interpreted as a threat to the relationship but rather an opportunity for our relationship and the needs of our soul to expand itself beyond our individual limitations. I am not suggesting we seek solace in the arms of another but am suggesting that we may find nurturing powers within ourselves which sometimes can only be discovered during times of individual solitude. While our partners are a potential wellspring where our souls drink on a regular basis no partner can adequately meet all our deepest needs and therefore we should never place on our partners the burden of meeting all our needs.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
How much should I sacrifice of my time, priorities, my interests, my energy, my money to care for others? When does self-sacrifice become a form of self-negation....If I neglect the cultivation of my gifts, the nurturing of my deepest needs and the enjoyment of those pleasures that tickle my peculiar fancy...it is unlikely that my caring for others will spring from the bounty of my being. Whenever we abandon our personal sense of vocation...we....place enormous burden on others to justify the sacrifice we have made "for their sake". The only rule of thumb I know is: Avoid either/or, embrace both/and...Develop those modes of caring that allow you to love both self and others...The quantity of human need is finite, but our ability to offer care is finite. Each of us has limited resources, time, energy, and attention to give to others....Sam Keen
If we forget or cannot accept that we and our partners are limited in terms of how much time, attention, and care we can provide for each other than we may project guilt,shame, and unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and our partners...and...no one can fill the void that we all have from time to time or to one degree or another which is why we all need to learn to nurture our own soul and be careful to not demand that our partners be something they were never created to be. And, let us always show gratitude when our partners do enrich our souls with their love and reciprocate it as often as possible.
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