Thursday, July 31, 2008
Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne
Someone once said, "All our fears, no matter how deep, can be erased by a single loving stroke"...I don't know if an act of affection can solve "all" a persons fears, no matter how deep, but I do believe acts of affection towards each other can go a long way and can provide powerful momentary relief from our fears. So what is affection? Affection refers to closeness both on the physical and emotional levels. Affection includes nearness and more importantly a loving presence. We receive real affection when someone is committed to being beside us "often". This does not require "constant" cohabitation but reliable and habitual availability. Affection is the opposite of abandoning and distance.
Affection can be demonstrated verbally and physically. Compassionate words are example of showing affection. Touching, hugging, holding hands, and sex are all examples of affection when the motives are steeped in love for the other and not just ourselves. Affection also includes kindness, thoughtfulness, playfulness, romantic gestures, remembering important events and a genuine liking of the one we are with.
So, in the words of Sir John Lubbock
Do not be afraid of showing your affection.
Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate.
For, love is more than money, and a kind word will give
more pleasure than a present.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne
Someone once said, "All our fears, no matter how deep, can be erased by a single loving stroke"...I don't know if an act of affection can solve "all" a persons fears, no matter how deep, but I do believe acts of affection towards each other can go a long way and can provide powerful momentary relief from our fears. So what is affection? Affection refers to closeness both on the physical and emotional levels. Affection includes nearness and more importantly a loving presence. We receive real affection when someone is committed to being beside us "often". This does not require "constant" cohabitation but reliable and habitual availability. Affection is the opposite of abandoning and distance.
Affection can be demonstrated verbally and physically. Compassionate words are example of showing affection. Touching, hugging, holding hands, and sex are all examples of affection when the motives are steeped in love for the other and not just ourselves. Affection also includes kindness, thoughtfulness, playfulness, romantic gestures, remembering important events and a genuine liking of the one we are with.
So, in the words of Sir John Lubbock
Do not be afraid of showing your affection.
Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate.
For, love is more than money, and a kind word will give
more pleasure than a present.
"Encouraged people achieve the best; dominated people achieve second best; neglected people achieve the least."...Anonymous
When we don't show appreciation to our partners we are neglecting them thus placing them in a position where they are less likely to reciprocate the kind of encouragement and appreciation we need. Appreciation involves admiration and delight in others and acknowledgment in their uniqueness and potential. Appreciation can be demonstrated by a word of praise, a wink, a pat on the shoulder, a loving look, a thank you, a hug, etc. And if in doubt, ask your partner, what can I do today, tomorrow, and in the future to make you feel appreciated.
According to relationship researcher John Gottman the ratio of appreciation to complaint is five to one, in couples that stay together. I don't know why we don't show more appreciation towards each other and our partners/mates in particular. Maybe we were never shown much appreciation in our families, or maybe we don't experience a sense of appreciation in our jobs, but the cosmic law of the universe does suggest that if we show appreciation to others, we are more likely to receive appreciation in return...and...the bottom line is that we all want to feel appreciated. It's an important aspect of feeling and experiencing love.
Steven Brunkhorst sums it up well by saying, "Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have. When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times."
When we don't show appreciation to our partners we are neglecting them thus placing them in a position where they are less likely to reciprocate the kind of encouragement and appreciation we need. Appreciation involves admiration and delight in others and acknowledgment in their uniqueness and potential. Appreciation can be demonstrated by a word of praise, a wink, a pat on the shoulder, a loving look, a thank you, a hug, etc. And if in doubt, ask your partner, what can I do today, tomorrow, and in the future to make you feel appreciated.
According to relationship researcher John Gottman the ratio of appreciation to complaint is five to one, in couples that stay together. I don't know why we don't show more appreciation towards each other and our partners/mates in particular. Maybe we were never shown much appreciation in our families, or maybe we don't experience a sense of appreciation in our jobs, but the cosmic law of the universe does suggest that if we show appreciation to others, we are more likely to receive appreciation in return...and...the bottom line is that we all want to feel appreciated. It's an important aspect of feeling and experiencing love.
Steven Brunkhorst sums it up well by saying, "Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have. When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
David Richo writes: “Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us five aspects of love stand out. We feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection, and when allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes”…Intimacy, at its best means giving and receiving these five critically important aspects of love. In my previous blog entry I explored the meaning and role of attention in interpersonal relationships. In this blog entry I want to now explore the meaning and potential application of acceptance…but…before I take a deeper look at acceptance I want to state that it is important to remember that no one person can give us all of these keys. In an adult relationship we only experience these aspects of love “some” of the time…therefore…we can only expect to receive these manifestations of love in “moderate” doses and our relationship experiences in these matters are always temporary, momentary, and always fleeting, to some degree. In other words, we will experience the kind of attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing we need with our mates or partners during the day for a few brief moments which is why we need to develop resources within and outside our primary relationship to meet our need for love…and…it is important to remind ourselves that no one single person can bare the weight of meeting another persons almost limitless need for love.
Acceptance means we receive “respectfully” the feelings, choices, and personal traits of another. Acceptance, of course, doesn’t mean we always have to like, tolerate, or live with the actions, personal preferences, or traits of others…but…in order to show acceptance “respectfully”, I need to at least acknowledge and attempt to empathize that there may be reasons beyond my ability to understand why people believe, feel, act as they do. And, perhaps it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all engage in behaviors and exhibit aspects in our choices and preferences that make no sense to us and cannot be rationalized no matter how intelligent or hard we try. For example, I am as eccentric as they come regarding many of my personal preferences but none of my close friends are particularly eccentric and I come from a family background which is as vanilla and plain Jane as can be…go figure???...
Acceptance means we must free ourselves from preconceived plans or agendas regarding how we want others to be, in other words, we need to give up control on how we want others to act and be, especially, our mates, partners, or someone we may just be dating…and…to “demand” that someone else be what “we” want, need, or desire, is toxic to the relationship because it sends a direct or indirect message that they are not good enough and no one wants to “feel” they may not be good enough even though we all understand intellectually we all have our warts and all. Personally, I find it helpful to remind myself on a regular basis that we “all” are on the same journey but are at different points along the way and our past experiences and individual limitations due to variables that may be out of our control often have a profound effect on where we are along the path of life…and…it is not fair to ourselves or others to expect that we be at the same place intellectually or emotionally, especially when one considers that none of us share the same past or have equal access to the kind of resources most often needed to get from point A to point B in our own individual spiritual, intellectual, and emotional development.
Acceptance means we embrace ourselves and others as worthy. We don’t compare ourselves, mates, or partners to others and we celebrate each others uniqueness. We kindly and respectfully support each others journey no matter how unusual it might be, unless of course, the journey involves actions that are obviously harmful to the individual or the relationship. We attempt and work at accepting and controlling our emotions which irritate or disturb us due to our mates actions acknowledging that these difficult emotional responses may be due to our own unresolved issues…and finally, acceptance means we stand up for our relationship and don’t give up on the relationship and our partners unless continual abuse, harm, or the will of the other or ourselves is no longer able to continue. And, let us not forget that acceptance is never too late to find and practice towards ourselves and others and if we are having trouble accepting others than maybe we need to explore the possibility that we have a hard time accepting ourselves.
I'll wrap this up with a few quotes on acceptance.
"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
"Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can--and surely will at times--fail. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk."
"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."
"When you are in a state of nonacceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche--grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted--cannot easily receive a lesson."
We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
~ Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.
Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter, and notice what happens."
Acceptance means we receive “respectfully” the feelings, choices, and personal traits of another. Acceptance, of course, doesn’t mean we always have to like, tolerate, or live with the actions, personal preferences, or traits of others…but…in order to show acceptance “respectfully”, I need to at least acknowledge and attempt to empathize that there may be reasons beyond my ability to understand why people believe, feel, act as they do. And, perhaps it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all engage in behaviors and exhibit aspects in our choices and preferences that make no sense to us and cannot be rationalized no matter how intelligent or hard we try. For example, I am as eccentric as they come regarding many of my personal preferences but none of my close friends are particularly eccentric and I come from a family background which is as vanilla and plain Jane as can be…go figure???...
Acceptance means we must free ourselves from preconceived plans or agendas regarding how we want others to be, in other words, we need to give up control on how we want others to act and be, especially, our mates, partners, or someone we may just be dating…and…to “demand” that someone else be what “we” want, need, or desire, is toxic to the relationship because it sends a direct or indirect message that they are not good enough and no one wants to “feel” they may not be good enough even though we all understand intellectually we all have our warts and all. Personally, I find it helpful to remind myself on a regular basis that we “all” are on the same journey but are at different points along the way and our past experiences and individual limitations due to variables that may be out of our control often have a profound effect on where we are along the path of life…and…it is not fair to ourselves or others to expect that we be at the same place intellectually or emotionally, especially when one considers that none of us share the same past or have equal access to the kind of resources most often needed to get from point A to point B in our own individual spiritual, intellectual, and emotional development.
Acceptance means we embrace ourselves and others as worthy. We don’t compare ourselves, mates, or partners to others and we celebrate each others uniqueness. We kindly and respectfully support each others journey no matter how unusual it might be, unless of course, the journey involves actions that are obviously harmful to the individual or the relationship. We attempt and work at accepting and controlling our emotions which irritate or disturb us due to our mates actions acknowledging that these difficult emotional responses may be due to our own unresolved issues…and finally, acceptance means we stand up for our relationship and don’t give up on the relationship and our partners unless continual abuse, harm, or the will of the other or ourselves is no longer able to continue. And, let us not forget that acceptance is never too late to find and practice towards ourselves and others and if we are having trouble accepting others than maybe we need to explore the possibility that we have a hard time accepting ourselves.
I'll wrap this up with a few quotes on acceptance.
"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
"Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can--and surely will at times--fail. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk."
"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."
"When you are in a state of nonacceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche--grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted--cannot easily receive a lesson."
We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
~ Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.
Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter, and notice what happens."
Monday, July 28, 2008
Generally I don't like books that assert or even suggest there is a "magic formula" to this or that because formulas most often don't take into consideration individual differences and nuances... but... David Richo's book entitled How to be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, is the exception to my rule, in large part, because what he has to say is simple to understand, can be implemented by anyone who is willing, does get to the heart of what it means to love, imo, and he doesn't make any over the top predictions or promises. David Richo is a psychotherapist who leads popular workshops at the Esalen Institute which is a high profile workshop center near Big Sur California. Richo identifies the five keys to an adult relationship as the five A's which include attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. Over the course of the next few weeks I would like to write in detail what each one of these five A's refers to in more concrete terms using Richo's book as my primary guide. I'll begin with the first key which is attention.
Attention is to engage and focus on one's partner. It means being sensitive to their needs, desires, and feelings...it doesn't mean watching a person's every move, even if motivated from a desire to protect. This kind of attention isn't attention but intrusion and overprotection which will more likely drive a person away than draw them near to you. Authentic attention should be available at any time, not just when problems arise. Attention means noticing and hearing words, feelings and experience...and...authentic attention is generally best received when we can communicate to our partners that their feelings are neither right or wrong...they just are... and... we can show respect without judgment...and...when we can express attention with neutrality we demonstrate compassion which is a major building block to the foundation of any relationship...Attention also means focusing with respect and not with contempt or ridicule...and...includes giving attention to our partner's intuition and not simply dismissing their intuition as irrelevant or immature. You are taken seriously and are given credit when credit is due. When you are given the attention you deserve your fears are inquired about in a gentle way...and...finally, giving attention means to confront directly when displeased or hurt thus harboring no secret anger or grudges against your partner....but...confrontation is "always" done with respect and the desire to keep the lives of communication open.
Attention is to engage and focus on one's partner. It means being sensitive to their needs, desires, and feelings...it doesn't mean watching a person's every move, even if motivated from a desire to protect. This kind of attention isn't attention but intrusion and overprotection which will more likely drive a person away than draw them near to you. Authentic attention should be available at any time, not just when problems arise. Attention means noticing and hearing words, feelings and experience...and...authentic attention is generally best received when we can communicate to our partners that their feelings are neither right or wrong...they just are... and... we can show respect without judgment...and...when we can express attention with neutrality we demonstrate compassion which is a major building block to the foundation of any relationship...Attention also means focusing with respect and not with contempt or ridicule...and...includes giving attention to our partner's intuition and not simply dismissing their intuition as irrelevant or immature. You are taken seriously and are given credit when credit is due. When you are given the attention you deserve your fears are inquired about in a gentle way...and...finally, giving attention means to confront directly when displeased or hurt thus harboring no secret anger or grudges against your partner....but...confrontation is "always" done with respect and the desire to keep the lives of communication open.
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