Relationship Quips

In a soulful relationship, in contrast, the partners know that we are all individuals

As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself

But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface

Marriage is by nature miraculous and magical. We do not understand it and cannot know where it is headed.

Responding to the grace of relationships, it is important to appreciate, to give thanks, to honor, to celebrate, to tend, and to observe.

Soulful relationships may not necessarily be the healthy ones, the successful ones, or the peaceful ones.

Marriage is a shock to the system of each partner: That is its promise and pain

The biggest mistake people make is to think that marriage is a rational arrangement rather than an insane attempt to give life form and stability.

You can’t love deeply unless you are a deep person in the first place

In some instances love may ask near impossible patience

Love is an affair of the soul…it may disappear at exactly the wrong moment. It may come and go, and return again, for no apparent reason.

Often it is the people who love us most—parents, lovers, spouses, children—who most discourage the authentic life.

The soul enjoys the playful side of life because play elevates the otherwise heavy literalness of day to day existence to the realm of the imagination

Eros, pleasure, and deep desires

Many of us grew up in a time, family, or subculture where we were taught to distrust our emotions, "certain pleasures", and desires in general. I don't mean to imply that this was "all bad" but as I have gotten older I do now believe a significant amount of the exhortations that were directed my way should have at least been qualified and balanced with the understanding that pleasure, desire, and eros play an important role in the life of the soul. I was thinking about this, this morning as I was reading my journal notes from Thomas Moore's books, Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. I sure wish I had read these books when I was young. So many people, imo, seem to have a dysfunctional relationship between their bodies, pleasure, and the deep seated desires that frequently come to the surface. But, it should come as no great surprise considering the mixed messages we receive from our schizophrenic society on a regular basis on the relationship between our life and pleasure, desire, and eros. I'll close with a series of quotes taken from Thomas Moore's books Soulmates and The Soul of Sex. Some of these quotes probably need to be qualified but I'll let them stand as they are because I think it might do us good to ponder what he has to say in it's raw form.


Stern moralistic warnings about not falling into the illusions of romantic love come from a place foreign to love. They are not messages from erotic life, but from a place that devalues eros...No matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the
soul as any other kind of love...Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play...To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions...and...something eternally valid comes to us in the sensation of sex and romance.

Just as logic leads the mind, desire guides the soul. We live in a world that trusts logic, and from that commitment we distrust desire: but if we lived in a world that validated desire, we would know how to trust it. Desire often asks that we abandon logic and perhaps appear foolish to our friends. The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy just as much as the mind needs ideas and information and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions., it serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

We don't have to justify our pleasure in the illusions of love. Dalliance and flirtations don't have to lead to a long standing relationship or marriage in order to prove themselves. If we had this thought in mind perhaps we would be able to enjoy our passing fancies without worrying so much about their implications. The soul thrives on ephemeral fantasies...

Eros moves and settles in the area of the heart. if we are confused by this strong rush of new spirit, it may be because we are not familiar with our own interior life. if we can't distinguish illusion from opportunity, then maybe we don't know our ow hearts well enough. An intense romance could provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves, but how much better, it would be if we were familiar with the way of our soul in the first place?

Say it Often

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. ~Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. ~Margaret Mead

The heart craves recognition and appreciation….and….we need to take the opportunity to praise and celebrate our partners, either expressing our feelings directly to them or to others…only a neurotically puritanical mind would deny the soul such graces.

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Is this the The Man of your dreams?

Thinking about and working on relationships can get one down if one is not careful and not intentional about seeking some relief from one of the more important matters of the heart... so, in an effort to lighten things up around here I have put together a fictitious profile for one of those dating online services to hopefully add some humor for those of us who are trying to find our way out of the wilderness into the promise land. This is the musings of a single guy who obviously has too much time on his hands.

For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.

My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.

My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.

My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.

Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.

Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.

Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.

About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.

What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.

In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.

Healthy Relationships

What “does” a healthy relationship look like? For those haunted by dysfunctional relationships of the past one may not easily recognize what is a healthy or unhealthy.In this blog entry I want to explore what a healthy relationship might “potentially” look like. Of course, no relationship is perfect and one has to be careful expecting or idealizing our partners or interpersonal relationships butI do hope the following examples listed below will help identify and clarify the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.


Healthy: Seeks to negotiate and does not attempt to control their partners.

Unhealthy: Seeks to manipulate the relationship in an effort to influence one’s partner to give into them.

Healthy: Hopes and expects partner to “moderately” fulfill needs.

Unhealthy: Expects and puts pressure on partner to totally fulfill their needs.

Healthy: Wants partner who is a companion but respects their need to be an individual and be alone at times.

Unhealthy: Expects and might even demand their partner end their loneliness.

Healthy: Accepts you as fallible.

Unhealthy: Never wants you to betray or let them down.

Healthy: Committed to a bilateral style in processing and decision making.

Unhealthy: One person makes unilateral or secret decisions regarding relationship.

Healthy: Respects the others timing.

Unhealthy: Insists problems be fixed in accord with their timing.

Healthy: We hope we both grow from conflict.

Unhealthy: We want the other to learn a lesson.

Healthy: We let go of our attachments and demands in favor of a resolution
we can both live with.

Unhealthy: We demand on getting our way.

Healthy: We acknowledge and are aware of relationship complexities.

Unhealthy: We only see things in black and white.

Healthy: It is acceptable to agree to disagree.

Unhealthy: Ambiguity is not acceptable.

Healthy: We ask for space when we feel engulfed or crowded

Unhealthy: We leave or abandon our partners.

Healthy: We acknowledge our shadow self even if we don’t understand it completely.

Unhealthy: We see others shadows but not our own.

Healthy: The relationship is reciprocal.

Unhealthy: The relationship is one-sided and one partner is passive.

Healthy: We desire and hope for regular contact with our partner.

Unhealthy: One partner is “desperate” for contact.

Healthy: We feel secure most of the time.

Unhealthy: We are always in doubt.

Healthy: The relationship is egalitarian.

Unhealthy: The relationship is predominantly hierarchical with little flexibility.

Healthy: There is mutual agreeable dependence.

Unhealthy: One partner is a caretaker or rescuer.

Healthy: Both partners are willing to take risks and explore beyond what is familiar
and comfortable.

Unhealthy: Partners exclusively keep to that which is comfortable and familiar.

Healthy: We are able to feel compassion for our partner when they are less than mature.

Unhealthy: We look down at our partner when they act immature.

Healthy:We don’t give up on ourselves or our partners even though we may no longer
be able to stay with them.

Unhealthy: We give up easily on ourselves and our partners.

Living and Loving with Fear

We all fear abandonment and engulfment to one degree or another or at a particular time in our relationships. But, some live almost in constant fear of either abandonment or engulfment to the point where it threatens their ability to sustain a healthy relationship. So, how does one live with these conditions and how does one love a person who may bear such a burden? Let's start with the person who fears abandonment/neglect. People who fear abandonment and neglect need attention and acceptance but that doesn't mean around the clock attention and "unconditional" acceptance. In fact, unless the individual has suffered serious abandonment trauma in the past touching base here and there and normal day to day attention may be enough to satisfy their need. Since the abandonment partner probably hasn't experienced quality ongoing contact or intimacy it often doesn't take much to meet their need for closeness. Frequency, even in very short intervals, is probably more important than lengthy or sustained periods of contact. A short phone call or email when apart and brief interludes of contact when together will generally do the trick...but...it is critically important to remember that failure keep in some kind of contact, especially when apart, can potentially traumatize or create a sense of terror in someone who has been neglected or abandoned. I once knew a man whose wife and children went on a road trip with her parents for a month. They left without telling the man "exactly" where they were going to stay and didn't even call him until ten days out and never called again after the initial contact. The guy was absolutely traumatized. It is also important to remember that the partner who fears abandonment needs to work, explore and learn to live with their condition and fear of being alone. This is not a one way arrangement and both partners need to work together so that neither partner will have to bear full responsibility for the insecurities related to abandonment issues.

The fear of engulfment can be summed up as being afraid of allowing someone to get too close out of fear of losing oneself. This can be a serious problem because people who fear engulfment will do almost anything to relieve the fear, even if it means pushing away their partner who they love. So, how does one live or have a relationship with someone who fears engulfment? It is a natural tendency for most of us to pursue a loved one who leaves or strays, at least initially, but pursuit is generally the worst thing one can do with a partner who fears engulfment. Pursuit is a dead end because it will increase the fear and thus influence a partner to escalate their efforts to get away. They need space, so give it to them. Stand at a distance...be a witness. This is not about you so don't take their need for space and distance personally...also, don't try to fix, change, solve or rescue them. Give up the idea that we have any magical powers over them or their situation. We do not...And, most important, allow them to be scared...and...hopefully by appearing non-threatening one might disarm their beloved to open their heart for the healing they so desperately need. If you are the one who fears engulfment you too will need to work on befriending your fears without resorting to pushing your partner away.If need space ask for space but don't run or push your partner away...and...don't be afraid to share with your partner that you are afraid. We all are afraid and most partners will be willing to share the burdens that you feel. And, remember, our partners are our potential greatest resource for healing and we don't have to face our fears alone. Finally, people who fear abandonment and engulfment need our compassion and love...and...One can only imagine the level of emotional pain one must have experienced to get to the point where one fears the love of others. In conclusion, the only antidote to fear is love, so open yourself to love even if you have been deeply hurt in the past. It is the only way one can achieve the healing that is so desperately needed by so many of us.

Fear of Engulfment

If you are in a relationship with someone who regularly pushes you away, is aloof and emotionally unavailable much of the time, or is unable to make a commitment than you might be in a relationship with someone who fears what is called engulfment. Engulfment can be more difficult to detect because often the partner who fears engulfment has learned to cope by projecting an heir of self confidence and in our society this type of body language might be construed as strength. But, in reality, this type of individual feels as terrified as their fellow traveler who fears abandonment. Following is a list of characteristics often attributed to an individual who fears engulfment.

1. Frequently needs space and distance. Everyone needs space but the person who
fears engulfment may need a level and extended amount of distance that would
partners or draw attention make most partners feel insecure.

2. Feels smothered by partners attention.

3. Maintains secrets, a secret life, and doesn't like it when being asked questions.

4. Interprets giving and receiving as smothering and an obligation.

5. Insists on being in control of the relationship and is prone to making unilateral
decisions regarding the relationship.

6. Maintains rigid boundaries which makes it difficult for partner to achieve
greater level of intimacy.

7. Sometimes plays the role of the seducer and then withholds.

8. Feels embarrassed or angry by assurances from partner.

9. Feels threatened and annoyed by partners expression of emotions

10. May accept and use sex as a substitute for closeness.

11. Frequently comes and goes in the relationship without much sensitivity to
partner who may feel insecure of their comings and goings.

12. Comes across as aloof and even cold when they let their guard down.

13. Becomes anxious by extended togetherness which may show up on vacations. Also,
may prefer to take vacation with others who do not require intimacy.

14. Intellectualizes and replaces feelings with logic.

15. Seeks connections but not closeness or intimacy. Prefers network of friends who
do not require closeness.