Thinking about and working on relationships can get one down if one is not careful and not intentional about seeking some relief from one of the more important matters of the heart... so, in an effort to lighten things up around here I have put together a fictitious profile for one of those dating online services to hopefully add some humor for those of us who are trying to find our way out of the wilderness into the promise land. This is the musings of a single guy who obviously has too much time on his hands.

For fun: During the weeknights I am too tired to do much so I either lie on the floor until it is time to go to bed... or... if I have a bit more energy I'll fantasize about what the perfect date might be like while I watch my ceiling fan go around and around and around and around. On the week-ends when I generally have more energy I like to chase my garden gnomes around the backyard. The legs of a gnome are really short and it doesn't take much time to round one up. They generally squeal and complain about my juvenile antics but I always remind them that they are the only gnomes on the block who get to skinny dip while the sprinkles are running.

My job: For years I have been telling everyone that I am a high school teacher who teaches economics, civics, psychology, and sociology. Women seem to be impressed when I tell them I teach such interesting subjects but the truth is that I am not a teacher. I have been hiding the truth all the years because I am embarrassed to admit that by day I am a fortune cookie writer and in the evening I moonlight as a clown at birthday parties. I used to babysit ostriches until my license expired and Governor Schwarzenegger tripled the fee for an ostrich babysitter license.

My ethnicity: I am part Okie, Irish, German, and Cherokee. I think dog lovers call that a mutt.

My religion: It changes from year to year. In the beginning I was a Freewill Baptist before I explored the charismatic scene and then graduated to a modern day Purtian. I didn't make it through the entire sermon during a Southern Baptist service without going to the bathroom to check out the score of the Lakers game so I don't think I ever technically qualified as a Southern Baptist. I used to tell people I had become a card carrying Christian Anarchist but too many people associate anarchy with Communist Revolutionaries and I grew tired of explaining the difference. Today,I just tell people that I am a quasi-post recovering Evangelical who is waiting for Christ to return so we can get back to being one big happy family.

Favorite hot spots: Jucuzzi's, sitting next to a fire and roasting marshmellows, and standing as close as I can to an active volcanoe.

Favorite things: I assume that means favorite things "to do". Depends on where I am at, the mood I am in, and who I am with. If I am out on the town I prefer to be somewhere where I can feed the squirrels. If I am in a really good mood I prefer to hang out anywhere where there are bright balloons. If I am in a bad mood I might as well go to Wal-mart and stand in line...and...If I am with a daughter of Eve than anywhere where I can sit close to her so I can wrap my arm around her and tickle her because women who hang out on the online dating sites are always looking for men who have a sense of humor.

Last read: I read a Costco flyer prior to posting this blog entry. Does that count?...Before that, I read Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion and
before that it was Nuts about You!, by Cy Cosis.

About me: My therapist tells me I am an enigma to her. I think enigma has something to do with puzzles. That makes sense to me because I haven't finished figuring out who I am yet. My colleagues suspect I was raised by wolves. I kind of doubt that. My longtime friends say I am a descendant of hobbits. That makes more sense but I'm still waiting for the hair to grow on my feet. In the meantime, I'll settle for being half hobbit half human.

What I’m looking for? I used to be strickly a brunette guy but all the women in my age group seem to dye their hair on a regular basis so who really knows what color their hair really is. Also, I have since learned blondes are alot smarter than I am and all red heads don't have a temper. At this point if she has hair, I'm a happy camper. If you read my profile this far than I figure you are a serious candidate for a date. No need to add anymore qualifications, you'll do.

In conclusion: If you find my profile to your liking than drop me a line and we can hook up...but...don't expect flowers or a kiss on the first date, it's not my style to put all my cards on the table on the first date.