Monday, June 13, 2011
When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery—that intimate relationships can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred place where we can be ourselves, as we are..and…speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, revealing our raw edges and unmasking ourselves is a type of sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.
Revealing ourselves with full disclosure is so hard for most of us because we don't always respond to each other with full acceptance or grace. Thus, we often hide or withhold information about ourselves to our partners...but...when we hide who we really are, warts and all, than we forfeit the potential opportunity to experience healing from our partners. There are no easy answers to this dilemma. All I can think to do is to strive to model forgiveness, acceptance, and grace to our partners and "hope" this will encourage them to reciprocate. And, if both partners can do this on a regular basis than our relationships can provide a healing sanctuary that we all need and deserve.
Revealing ourselves with full disclosure is so hard for most of us because we don't always respond to each other with full acceptance or grace. Thus, we often hide or withhold information about ourselves to our partners...but...when we hide who we really are, warts and all, than we forfeit the potential opportunity to experience healing from our partners. There are no easy answers to this dilemma. All I can think to do is to strive to model forgiveness, acceptance, and grace to our partners and "hope" this will encourage them to reciprocate. And, if both partners can do this on a regular basis than our relationships can provide a healing sanctuary that we all need and deserve.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love, we may neglect our life’s duties and obligations…to be in love is to be in play, to be taken by illusions…and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love.
I believe there are two common mistakes made by individuals and our society at large regarding romantic love. One is to overemphasize the importance and role of romantic love in a relationship and the other is to underestimate it's significance. When we over estimate the role of romantic love we set ourselves up for potential disillusionment down the road when strong emotional feelings are bound to waver and subside after the early infatuation stage which is a part of all relationships. And, when we downplay it's importance we do so at the peril of missing out or at least experiencing the full potential of the romantic experience which, as the author of this quote suggests,is as important to the other aspects of love. So, the implications are that we need not pit romance against the other critically important aspects of love, nor should we elevate it to a higher status which cannot be maintained during the course of any normal healthy relationship.
I believe there are two common mistakes made by individuals and our society at large regarding romantic love. One is to overemphasize the importance and role of romantic love in a relationship and the other is to underestimate it's significance. When we over estimate the role of romantic love we set ourselves up for potential disillusionment down the road when strong emotional feelings are bound to waver and subside after the early infatuation stage which is a part of all relationships. And, when we downplay it's importance we do so at the peril of missing out or at least experiencing the full potential of the romantic experience which, as the author of this quote suggests,is as important to the other aspects of love. So, the implications are that we need not pit romance against the other critically important aspects of love, nor should we elevate it to a higher status which cannot be maintained during the course of any normal healthy relationship.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Ordinary human love is always relative, never consistently absolute. Like the weather, relative love is in continual dynamic flux. It is forever rising and subsiding, waxing and waning, changing shape and intensity…thus…relationships continually oscillate between finding common ground and having that ground slip as their differences pull them in different directions…being tossed by shifting tides of memories, expectations, and wounds from the past. The oscillation between lovers…the ups and downs, is only a problem when and if we expect it to be otherwise, when we imagine that love and the emotions associated with feeling loved should manifest itself as a linear straight steady state. That kind of expectation prevents us from appreciating the special gift that relative love does have to offer: Personal intimacy and the sharing of who we are in our distinctiveness.
This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.
This particular quote implies and, I agree, that "false expectations about the nature of love are the potential enemy of being content in our relationships. While I don't want to suggest or imply that one tolerate any kind of abuse or being treated poorly I also do believe, as this quote suggests, that our limitations and the ghosts of our pasts do come into play and prevent all relationships from achieving the mythical status of "living happily after ever". The sooner we realize and accept this reality the better our chances will be from becoming disillusioned with our relationships.
Everyone loves, but not in a way we might recognize if our version of love is based on how we show, want, or remember it from our past. In other words,to be good lovers requires an openness to new brands of kisses.
I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?
I think the operative word here is being open to new ways to love our partners. We all think we know what love looks like but forget or perhaps aren't aware that we are all individuals which implies that we all process and feel love in a unique way based on our own past experiences. For some of us this may not make much sense but since when did love ever make total sense?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
" We cannot receive love if we are not open to the raw and tender experience of wanting it. Suppressing or denying desire shuts down our openness to receiving nourishment, and thus only intensifies our hunger…Perhaps if we could make friends with our desire to want love we might find that our wanting itself is holy. We want love, after all, because we intuitively know that it can free us from the prison of the isolated self, allowing us to feel connected and at one with all of life..and…what is so bad about wanting that?"
I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.
I recently encountered someone who proudly announced they don't need men or relationships because they are self sufficient. While it may be true that one doesn't need to married to be psychologically or emotionally healthy I do believe we all need to be able to receive love from others because none of us can "sustain" a healthy relationship with ourselves and others because of our own individual limitations. While I believe developing our own "internal resources" to handle life is critically important to the well being of us all, I also believe it is equally important to be vulnerable and allow love from others. This can be more of a challenge for some of us than others because of the lack of love in our past and is complicated by the fact that we live in a society that often encourages self sufficiency over dependency.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Couples feel they are loved when they feel genuinely held, that is, when their partners provide both warm contact and gentle space that lets them be…Contact involves meeting, seeing, touching, attunement, connection, and care…Partners also need to be given space---room to be, themselves. Contact without space can become intrusive, claustrophobic, smothering….and when partners fail to provide this spaciousness, their partner feels smothered and controlled…then…they are vulnerable to become overly oriented towards pleasing their partner and fitting into their partners designs and plans, thus losing touch with their own sense of being. And, when a partner does not provide warm emotional contact, then their partner may experience feelings of loss, neglect or abandonment.
The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.
The challenge in my experience is sustaining an equilibrium where neither partner feels neglected or smothered. Perfect balance is not achievable but regular communication between partners can potentially reduce the anxiety that fills the gap between one's legitimate need for space and connection.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
"Disillusionment with our relationships can potentially offer a glimpse of certain truths that can help mobilize ourselves and move us beyond feeling depressed or despaired. No one else can save us from feeling alone or the wounds of our past. Intimate relationships cannot in themselves heal the basic ache of being a separate individual. No one else can provide all the healing love, security, or nurturance we hope and dream of...therefore, it is futile to seek from others the confidence we lack or the love won't provide for ourselves. Painful as these realities are they help ground us in reality and give us a path that we need to connect to ourselves more deeply and develop our own strength and confidence instead of waiting for others to bring these qualities into our lives"
This is a quote from John Welwood's book Journey of the Heart. Many of the quotes featured here are from this book or one of his two other books, Love and Awakening and Imperfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. I like and appreciate Welwood's books because he not only offers what I consider a more honest and realistic view of relationships but his writings challenge us as individuals to dig deeper and offer an optimistic interpretation of the emotional pain which is associated with all human relationships.
Friday, February 25, 2011
"While the play and experience of intimacy often generates sparks of curiosity and passion, it also ensures that intimacy can only be intermittent at best. Intimate moments, in which we make contact across the great divide of our differences, are just that--moments--rather than a consistent, steady flow...At its best two people can appreciate and enjoy each other in midst of their differences. At its worst, however, it becomes the stuff of soap opera and tragedy."...
While we always want to approach and live our lives in a spirit of hope it is equally prudent to remember and remind ourselves from time to time that life is never predictable and things often don't work out the way we hope...but,I also suspect if we always received what we hoped for at a particular time if we wouldn't be just as equally disappointed "later" rather than sooner.
While we always want to approach and live our lives in a spirit of hope it is equally prudent to remember and remind ourselves from time to time that life is never predictable and things often don't work out the way we hope...but,I also suspect if we always received what we hoped for at a particular time if we wouldn't be just as equally disappointed "later" rather than sooner.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"True love doesn't embrace others in spite of their flaws, as if rising above them. Rather, it finds "the other lovable in spite of and together with their weaknesses, errors, and imperfections...Because of your beloved's weakness you shall not remove yourself from them or make your relationship more remote: on the contrary, the two of you shall hold together with greater solidarity in order to remove the weakness"...
Soren Kierkegaard Works of Love....This of course does not mean one accepts and thus enables abuse and assumes our beloved is self aware and acknowledges their weaknesses.
Soren Kierkegaard Works of Love....This of course does not mean one accepts and thus enables abuse and assumes our beloved is self aware and acknowledges their weaknesses.
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