Thomas Moore writes, “Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”.

Hard work is not enough…and…when you have done all that is in your power it may be time to surrender and allow fate to run it's course. Surrender is not easy for most people because as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, we associate security with control but maybe if we surrendered to the fate of the gods we might save ourselves from the potential heartbreak that occurs when we try to push things through on our terms. Oh well, I wish I had figured this out sooner, but even old dogs learn new tricks, sometimes. This is part II of “The Things I Wish I Knew”.

I wish I knew that If your job gets your best energy, your marriage or relationships will wither”…Personally, I don't think we pay enough attention to how our jobs can potentially wreck havoc on our relationships. It's not just an individual problem because I think our culture compounds the problem by socializing us to accept that "workaholism" is O.K., because we are just trying to support our families...but...I can't help wondering if the expectation to work long and hard has more to do with supporting a particular standard of living or lining the pockets of the C.E.O.'s at the top of the economic food chain and their investors. I know this probably sounds very cynical, but this is how I feel...but...bottom line for me,if our jobs our consuming all our time and just as important, our energy, than we aren't going to be able to give much to our families, friends, and partners. This is just common sense...and...I would like to throw in other things like hobbies,civic responsibilities, or just watching too much t.v. I don't want to sound like I am picking on the folks who have workaholic leanings. This is a sensitive issue for me because the wife of my best friend in high school left him because of his work situation. He was absolutely devastated and completely shocked and I know it has caused him and his family a significant amount of emotional pain and financial hardship over the years.

I wish I knew, that no one person, no matter how much they love you, can meet all your needs. This is one of those things that we all know intellectually, but, our actions may not follow...so...we cling, become possessive, jealous, and don't look inside ourselves or others to meet our various needs...and...thus...drive our partners away because, intuitively, no one wants to bear the burden or expectation of having to meet the deep and seemingly infinite needs of another individual. This can be a real challenge for some partners because they may lack the resources within to sustain themselves during times of trouble, anxiety, or crisis...or...they may have bought into the marital myth that our partners are supposed to meet all our deep needs...I'll close with a couple of thoughts from family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom.

"It is sheer fantasy to believe that our marriage partners alone can fulfill us. We also need friends, satisfying work, healthy solitude, play, and other life experiences to fulfill the needs of our soul. Unrealistic expectations inevitably set us up for disappointment....and...The more secure we feel within ourselves, the more able we are to grant our partners the room they need to include other loving relationships into their lives"