When people tell us how we are, how we do, or what we should do,they practice a dangerous kind of sorcery...Patricia Evans


"To control is to act to effect an outcome, generally by means of restraint,physical, or verbal, with regard to self, others, or the world around us"...One of the hardest things for us to do, especially in the context of our relationships is to surrender and give up control of our partners feelings, beliefs, actions, and attitude. Giving up control and allowing others to be who there are is difficult, in large part, because we associate control with security...and...when we don't feel a sense of control we most often don't feel secure...but...while control may have its proper place in many aspects of our lives controlling our mates and partners will bring certain frustration, tension and perhaps even death of the relationship, sooner, if not later. Love must in the end be given freely without control on our part via manipulation, shame, guilt or fear. We must give each other space and we must allow our partners to pursue their own talents, desires, friendships, hobbies, careers,hopes and dreams. I don't mean to imply that we all live separate individual lives because if we are in a committed relationship "all our choices" should take into consideration the feelings and desires of our partners and we shouldn't take lightly doing anything that might bring about significant pain to our partners. I also don't mean to imply that if our partners are making choices which hurt us or our families we should simply passively sit by. It is "O.K." to speak up and communicate our own feelings and desires and we must not forget that "we" do always have the option to leave our relationships or to temporarily separate if we can no longer live with the pain of the choices of our partners.

It is also important to remember the potential fruits of surrendering the control of our relationships. When a person is given space and freedom to choose to love us it is more likely their love will be authentic because it is less likely be influenced by fear/guilt, etc. Not that it is wrong to love with a sense of obligation to the relationship but fear and other forms of manipulation, imo, are more likely to squelch love and create an undercurrent of resentment on the part of the partner who is being manipulated whether he/she is consciously or unconsciously aware of what is going on...and...another thing to consider...People who feel a need to control often act out of deep seated insecurities and they need our compassion and understanding, particularly if they are someone we deeply love.