The fear of intimacy is quite often related to the fear of abandonment or engulfment. While both the fear of abandonment and engulfment may have their origin in childhood there are some who have experienced this kind of fear primarily in their adult relationships. When experienced in childhood one is not equipped to deal with this kind of fear and if one does not have adult support, which is most often the case, then one is left to defend and cope any way one can. This often means establishing coping strategies that may often work in the short term but have potentially negative side effects in the long run. These coping strategies are often carried over to our adult relationships and that is where they can wreak havoc on our relationships. Because this kind of fear is so common in our lives and our personal relationships I am going to devote a series of posts that explore this issue in depth. To me this is simply not a theoretical issue. I have seen this effect all my relationships to one degree or another and consider it to be one of the greatest challenges impacting many of our relationships. To get the ball rolling I’ll start with a couple of quotes from David Richo’s excellent book “When Fear Meets Love”

The fear of giving and receiving may be the fear of engulfment. The fear of comings and goings may be the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of someone getting too close, and the fear of abandonment is the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. A healthy person is one who can relate to someone without being overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment if the other goes away and without being overwhelmed by the fear of engulfment if the other draws too near. The fear of abandonment and engulfment represent our deepest doubts about our own worthiness to be loved. Others cannot love me permanently and loyally. They will leave me once they really know me or tire of me. This is the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment also has to do with self-diminishment: I have so little within me that if I let someone really touch me at a soulful level, I will lose something of myself.

Abandonment is terrifying also because we feel so powerful at the moment it occurs. This combination of fear and powerlessness is what made an original abandonment experience from childhood leave so indelible mark on us. We feel panic when the other withdraws, so we pursue more intensely, and this makes a partner panic and push us away even more. Our way of taking care of ourselves is precisely what makes us the more abandoned! It is a self-defeat in the guise of self-protection.