Have you ever wondered to yourself why you and some of your friends put up with behavior from their partners that is harmful to your spirit, body, and emotional well being? While the human heart has it’s reasons, which are often a mystery to us, I do believe that fear is generally close by when we choose to look the other way. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone may influence one to tolerate behavior that is destructive and the greater the fear than generally the greater abuse one will attempt to rationalize away. In my previous blog entry I identified three ways fear may raise it’s ugly head. Here are a few more examples of how fear can potentially undermine the health of our relationships and the well being of those who tolerate it.

1.Do you have trouble asserting yourself? Do you have trouble telling your partner to not say or do certain things that hurt you or make you feel insecure?…and…do you tolerate this behavior by rationalizing that there may be something wrong with you?… or… that all relationships have their problems?...Do you have trouble asserting what you need or want in your relationship and rationalize not doing so by telling yourself that you are just being selfish? While it is understandable why the fear of being rejected or subjecting oneself to more abuse, may be an attractive alternative in the short term, the long term potential consequences can be lethal to the health of ourselves and our relationship. Desensitizing oneself to future, more serious abuse, creating resentment, low expectations, the lack of emotional intimacy, and even possible rage are all potential consequences of not asserting ourselves by deferring our legitimate needs and not speaking out against emotional abuse.

2.Do you need to always be in control or allow others to control you? While it is natural and healthy to control certain aspects of our space a strong desire or demand to control our partners or allow our partners to control us is a certain
recipe for disaster. The need to control others or be controlled by others is fueled by deep insecurities and fear. While being in control may at times give temporary relief from some of our insecurities it is always fleeting because the belief that we
can control our lives, let alone someone else, is an illusion and when a controller senses they are losing control they generally respond by escalating their efforts
as needed to regain control. The partner who allows themselves to be controlled may be able to rationalize that this arrangement is not so bad or bearable but one day it will dawn on them that this is not what they signed up for…and…when that day comes when they attempt to get back control of their life by standing up to the controller all hell “will” break loose and the controller will often resort to almost any measure to get back control. It’s a vicious and ugly cycle which will drain what love, charity and good will that still might be on life support.

3. Do you find yourself or your partner emotionally unavailable? Relationships can withstand and survive a wide array of challenges on numerous fronts but when one or both partners consider it too risky to allow for closeness, mutual vulnerability, and are constantly pushing each other away due to fear than generally it is only a matter of time until one or both partners will drift or look to someone else to fill the void that can only be met by allowing ourselves to be available emotionally.