In my first entry on fear I said that fear looms at the center of many of our relationship challenges and problems. This post will explore "how" fear raises it's ugly head in our relationships. But, before I site some of the many ways fear manifests itself in our relationships I would first like to make some important qualifications lest anyone conclude that I am suggesting that fear is the only "horseman of the relationship Apocalypse." First, fear is always present to one degree or another in our lives and relationships so we need to approach this a bit of realism. Second, fear is a legitimate emotion that can and does serve a potential positive purpose when we are faced with "real" danger. And, even when our fears are more the product of our imagination we can still benefit from them when and if we take the time to listen to what our fear might be trying to tell us. Finally, if we can learn to live "through" our fears and not attempt to avoid fear at all cost by relying on surrogate temporary relief than fear can be a critically important teacher to our sense of well being. Now onto some of the ways fear can raise it's ugly head.

1. Ignoring red flags...We all have issues and no one is perfect but when our partners are exhibiting behavior that is destructive to them, us, or the family than we need to address the red flag and when we don't it is generally because of fear. Fear of rejection, retribution, being yelled at, dismissed, etc. are all possible reasons why we may turn a blind eye to abuse, destructive addictions, mismanagement of finances, etc.

2. Failure to make commitments...We sometimes assume that since we have made our marriage vows and as long as we are "faithful" in our marriages/ relationships than we have fulfilled our commitments. Commitment is something we need to do daily and keep up to date, so to speak. Also, commitments ought to cover the various aspects of our relationships. Some of us may be faithful to keep our commitment to be monogamous but we lack the commitment to be intimate emotionally due to fear of getting too close to our partners, perhaps out of a fear of rejection...or...we may not be committed to work "through" and seek out solutions to conflicts that arise in all relationships...but... failure to meet these ongoing commitments can be as destructive as failing to be faithful partners.

3. Extreme Separation anxiety: If we are clinging onto our partners too tight, too often we will probably drive them away...and...if they feel engulfed by our actions they may pull up the draw bridge, go back into the castle, and leave us standing outside the castle walls alone...which will trigger our worst fears which will drive us to become even more clingly...and...the cycle begins again with each new episode a little bit more intense than the time before. The inability to be alone, at times, generally reflects a fear of being alone.

I think I'll stop for now. I have a lot of other fears to address but I'll wait for another day.