Final Ponderings on Relationships

Someone had this to say about love,

To choose not to love is to decide not to live. Everyone needs to love and to be loved. If you surrender, and then the spell descends, and you get swept away into days and nights of fantasy, memory, longing, and a strange sensation of loss…Even if you have had many experiences of painful and unsuccessful love, you don’t give up on it. The soul so hungers for love that you go after it, even if there is only the slightest chance of succeeding. The soul craves love, and if you give up on love because it is so difficult, the life of you will seep out of you…


I have suspected all along that love is a deep need of the soul which helps explain why despite all our failures to love and the emotional pain associated with love we still continue to seek it out with the fervor of the Knights of the Roundtable in search of the Holy Grail. I just wish the feeling of love wasn't so fleeting. This is the last entry of relationship ponderings. Here are some more thoughts to ponder.

In everyday life there are always opportunities to honor both separateness and togetherness. Often one person in a relationship feels one emotion more than the other. In matters of the soul it is advisable never to compensate or to try to escape but instead to tend better the very thing that is causing trouble. A person in a marriage who is longing for freedom, finding marriage too limiting and confining, might best avoid the temptation to flee and instead work at re-imaging marriage and partnership. His notion of marriage is likely too limited and therefore painful in the living of it…Honor both intimacy and solitude….

Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them.

In the final paradox, if we want to light the fires of intimacy we have to honor the soul of the other. A relationship demands not that we surrender to another person, but that we acknowledge a soul in which the parties are mingled and respect it’s unpredictable demands…

The soul of a relationship doesn’t ask for the right ways of acting. It wants something even more difficult, respect for its autonomy and mystery. The soulful relationship asks to be honored for what it is, not for what we wish it could be. It has little to do with our intentions, expectations, and moral requirements. It has the potential to lead us into the mysteries that expand our hearts and transform our thoughts, but it can’t do that when our primary interest is in pursuing our cherished ideologies of love, family, marriage, and community. The point is a relationship is not to make us feel good, but to lead us into a profound alchemy of soul that reveals to us the many ways and openings that are the geography of our own destiny and potentiality.

What begins full of hope and promise turns into serious questioning and emotional ambivalence. While a lover may interpret these ups and downs as a personal problem in making a commitment, it might be more accurate to understand that love itself is inconsistent and has a kind of inherent hysteria.

When deep attachment is set in place in a marriage, friendship, or relationship it should not be let go of easily….We should stay with a friend or lover as long as we can, until we are compelled to abandon them completely against our will. It’s a serious thing to toss away money, but to cast aside a person is even more serious. Nothing in life is more rarely found, nothing more dearly possessed. No loss is more chilling or more dangerous than that of a friend or lover…

“Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”…

If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.

Waiting for another person to love you is not living. Once you allow your own life to flow, you have the best chance of attracting the lover you should have.

Relationships are a paradox, when you feel a strong desire for union, an opposite desire lies in the background. The more you press for connection, the more you may settle yourself up for disconnection. It isn’t enough just to be aware of the paradox. You have to give something to both sides. If you get married or live with someone, you might also give serious attention to your need for separation from time to time. You don’t hold back your love and involvement, but you understand that you need your solitariness and individuality as well. You have to be subtle, loving your partner and loving yourself, or very soon you may find yourself in a dark night.

Imagination is critically important in relationships….and internal diversity, the capacity to hold opposite desires in creative tension…For example, isn’t it possible to be both solitary and wedded, hardworking and relaxed in relationship?

Marriage is a vessel of transformation. Marriage makes you a better person, though not necessarily a happier one. One hopes it offers moments of bliss, but you can be sure it will entail unexpected ordeals. Together, moments of bliss and periods of struggle make it a humanizing force, a way toward personal fulfillment that paradoxically involves an immediate concrete, and felt transcendence of self. You are forced to move beyond self-regard and seriously consider another person.

Giving yourself too much to another person can be masochistic…building a marriage can be a joyful experience, but surrendering to another person is never a happy choice. But, if both partners surrender to a marriage, they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the limitations of being with one other person. But if both partners surrender to the marriage they may escape feelings of masochism and even enjoy the imitations of beign with one other person.

It is futile to try to simplify your partner and make them fit your expectations. Without real, complicated people as partners, there is no marriage anyway…To honor the underworld of marriage, one has to appreciate the irrationality and mystery in both you and your partner…You have to have your eyes on the promise of bliss, but you have to be prepared for the dark.

It isn’t advisable to try to make an idealistic model of married life born out of union blessed both in heaven and hell. Don’t expect to solve all your problems. Don’t imagine that one day everything will settle down into harmony. Don’t expect perpetual sunshine.

Know that marriage, for all its beauty and pleasure, is a also a dark night of the soul.

It takes time for the soul, so deep and complex, to sort itself out and arrange a decision for itself for a decision…It’s important to gather oneself together before making a move. Many people make decisions just on the principle that you should do something.

Relationship Ponderings: Part II

Thomas Moore writes:

Marriage works best not by keeping the contract up to date…but…by doing and saying things that touch the feelings and imagination, not just the mind...like all matters of soul, if works by means of magic rather than by effort….In matters of the soul, a well conceived ritual act, well chosen words, an inspired gesture, a symbolic gift, even a well modulated tone of voice can achieve the desired effect. Often a very small gesture or action will have great consequences…this is one of the traditional rules of magic


I believe we all want and need to be touched emotionally and our imagination stirred, but if we want to receive we must be willing to give...so...think about what small gestures, well chosen words, or symbolic gift you can give to your loved ones and then sit back and watch your efforts weave their magic. Here are some more thoughts on relationships to ponder.

Apparently it isn’t enough to make a human marriage. In order to fulfill its need for divine coupling, the soul needs something less tangible than a happy home…In marriage we may not all need a fully functioning home, several children, a hefty bank account. These human goals may even stand in the way of the more mysterious needs of the soul…and….oddly, the attempts of many married people to create an affluent environment might even be the cause of marital failure, because the point in marriage is not to create a material, human world, but rather to evoke a spirit of love that is not of this world.

Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.

The person who cannot listen cannot converse. Conversation involves holding the material the other has taken from their “cabinet”, treating it with attention and respect. People trying to win an argument, make a point, preach a sermon, hold forth a theory, or give testimony to a belief are not engaged in conversation. These agendas are burdened with narcissism and offer little room for soul. Conversation is an inherently soulful activity, and therefore requires that the ego be given limited place…Conversation hovers between two people, takes it time to get in motion, finds its rhythm, and slows to an ending…Conversation is the sex act of the soul, and as such it is supremely conducive to the cultivation of intimacy.

Intimacy doesn’t appear ready-made, it must be refined into something truly valuable…Intimacy and intuition about the soul, is raw, and if we understand this, then, we might forgive ourselves and others for not being quick to handle relationships with grace. We might see that many problems are not due to one person’s maliciousness but to the law that the soul stuff is given in unrefined lumps and requires a long process of sorting, shaping, refining, and even transmuting…
Relationship is not a project, it is a grace…

Loss of love and intimacy can be a profound form of initiation. Paradoxically, initiation means beginning, and yet the most powerful initiation always involves some sort of death…Mircea Eliade suggests that all endings are potential beginnings and that all beginnings carry the potential seeds of ending…The ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be read as literal failure, but can be seen vertically, as a means toward a new level of experience.”

Sometimes at the end of a relationship a person may think, there is something wrong with me. I can’t have a lasting relationship. Other people are happy together, while I am doomed to lonliness…But to sink literally into these feelings could interfere with the initiation that is offered. Rather than say, “I am not able to be intimate---a narcissistic sentiment that goes nowhere---we might say, “My soul is asking more from me in relationship. I have the opportunity now to be close to another in a more profound way”

Love gives life so much vitality, meaningfulness, and purpose that when it wanes, even if temporarily, life can feel unbearably empty, and a person may be tempted to go to extreme measures to fill the void..When we feel a lessening of love, we could enter that feeling and perhaps discover the rhythms of our own soul…a worth goal in itself. This may be a time when the soul necessarily quiets down in the areas of romance, desire, and sexuality in order to accomplish some other project for itself.

Loss of desire is part of the rhythm of desire, and failure in love is one of the ways we experience love. If we protect ourselves from the difficult emotions that accompany the retreat of love, we are shielding ourselves from the soul.

Whenever we imagine a relationship sentimentally as being good only when it is warm, we do a disservice to that element in the soul that wants or needs coolness…We might learn from ancient wisdom to give a place to the cool emotions and to cycles of coldness that visit a person or a relationship.

Couples who sense flat and cool moods descending on them might ask each other not why this is happening, but what is it asking of them…If we can see our relationship problems as signs that the soul is trying to move, we might give them more positive attention, leaving behind attitudes of repair and mendings and our whole feeling about the relationship may remain loyal and attached, even when it seems to be in trouble…Pathology is the voice of a god or goddess trying to get our attention…Dealing with pathology in relationship requires enormous faith in ourselves, and in the process of soul, and in the person we love….

The soul needs true pleasure and genuine joy, just as much as the mind needs ideas and the body needs food and exercise. It asks for abandonment to its illusions, its serious playfulness and its purposeful games.

Our love of love and our high expectations that it will somehow make life complete seem to be an integral part of the experience….It makes little difference that in the past love has often shown itself to be painful and disturbing. There is something renewing in love…So, maybe it is better not to become too jaded by love’s suffering and dead ends, but rather to appreciate that emptiness is part of love’s heritage and therefore its very nature. It isn’t necessary to make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes or to learn how to be clever about love….

Unless we deal with the shadow of love, our experience of it will be incomplete. A sentimental philosophy of love, embracing only the romantic and the positive, fails at the first sign of shadow…Love finds its soul in the feelings of incompleteness, impossibility, and imperfection.

A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the community and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.

The soul wants to be attached, involved, and even stuck, because through it is through such intimacy is nourished, initiated, and deepened…It is also important to remember that it would be a mistake to honor attachment as the “only” inclination of the soul in relationships. As strong as the yearning for attachment is, there is obviously something else in us that yearns for solitude, freedom, and detachment.

Relationship Ponderings: Part I

Over the years I have read my share of books on relationships and after awhile the advise and insights they provide generally start to all sound similar…but…every once in a while I come across a book or a saying here or there that stops me in my tracks and influences me ponder the deep meaning of my relationships. Following is a collection of what I consider some of the more profound things I have heard about relationships over the past ten years.

Intimacy begins at home, with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself. ..We may feel tension in our lives and assume it is due to problems in a relationship with someone, but that seemingly outer tension may be an echo of inner conflict…For example, we may think we’re lonely because we have no friends, when the fact is we have no relationship to ourselves and for that reason feel lonely and friendless.

Some say love is blind. But it may be the other way around. Love allows a person to see the true angelic nature of another person, the halo, the aureole of divinity

We may not like the feeling of loneliness that may inspire us to get married, but neither, sometimes, do we like the change from being a single person to living with another, with all the limitations and challenges that such arrangement entails. Many married people confess to deep ambivalence about being married, and many secretly harbor strong fantasies of divorce and the single life…but….it isn’t necessary to give up solitude altogether to be married. But even more deeply we can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves as well. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding…

Conversation does not have to be confessional in order to be soulful…Sometimes people who are psychologically aware feel compelled to speak whatever is on their mind or in their heart too directly and innocently…But soulfulness is not created by naïve exposure. What matters is not how much you expose about yourself in conversation, but that your soul is engaged. Two people working on plans for a house or immersed in a recipe can be caught up in a soulful conversation---the topic doesn’t have to be personal.

Focusing exclusively on life, we may give too much value to compatibility. Differences between people may give more to a friendship than what is held in common, precisely because the soul is so unique.


Soulful intimacy is not to be found in clean, well-structured, meaningful, unperturbed, ideal unions, if such a union even exists. Perfection may well appeal to the mind, or to the part of us that craves spiritual transcendence, but soul doesn’t establish a home there. For some perverse reason, it prefers the colors, the tones of mood, the aberrations of fantasy, and the shades of disillusionment.

If I ask, what is wrong with me that I can’t have a long lasting relationship the question borders on narcissism….the focus is on me…to get to the soul we might re-direct our questions outward: What does fate want in its demand on me? What is the meaning of this continuing failure to find love? What am I made of that my heart moves in directions different from my intentions?

As you get to know the other deeply, you will discover much about yourself…It provides an occasion to glimpse your own soul and notice its longings and its fears. And as you get to know yourself, you can be more accepting and understanding of the other’s depth of soul.

Oddly, the most intimate relationships may be the very ones that appear most foolish…The most unpredictable couplings sometimes make the best marriages…But soulful marriages are often odd on the surface. People make unusual arrangements….because…the soul generally does not want to conform to the familiar patterns of life…It follows that a particularly soulful marriage may look oddly individuals, its forms and structures contrary to accepted patterns


When a marriage or romance breaks up or when a friendship fades, we tend to look for rational causes and to blame one of the parties for committing the crime of ending. Fate and its important relationships to the soul are forgotten and we take for ourselves both authorship and blame for developments that are clearly the work of the soul….If we are going to honor the soul of relationship, we will have to do so all the way, even, if necessary, through the ending….Blaming the other party for the ending of a relationship is understanding as a way of avoiding the pain caused by the inexorable, sometimes heartless demands of fate, but by avoiding that pain we may condemn ourselves to years of being frustrated by the very emotions and images we are attempting to escape.

Opposites Attract

A lot has been written about the different ways people show love…and…some popular authors like to assert that men and women are radically different when it comes to how men and women process and receive love. I don’t want to rehash the merits or credibility of the popular theory that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but I would like to explore how different personality types “may” influence how we are able to accept the various aspects of love. In order to avoid becoming too complex and getting lost in the labyrinth of personality types I am going to limit the exploration to introverts and extroverts.

Psychologist David Richo defines extroverts and introverts this way…”An extrovert is animated by the company of others; an introvert is depleted by it. An extrovert seeks people with whom to socialize; an introvert avoids socializing. An extrovert is in danger of burning out; an introvert is in danger of isolation…For an introvert the inner alarm of physical sensation urgently warns: I have to get out of here. For an extrovert, the inner alarm blares: I have to be with someone”…and Richo concludes with, “In a relationship, these opposing styles can lead to conflict”…because…introverts can often feel smothered or trapped by their partners while extroverts frequently feel rejected or abandoned by their introverted partners.

How to love an Introvert

Validate their need for distance and space without taking it as rejection.

Let them initiate their own need for closeness.

Express gratitude, recognition, and kindness when your introverted partner demonstrates a willingness to accommodate your needs.

Respect their need to be alone at times.

Accept their personality without judgment.

Don’t try to change their personality.


How to love an extrovert

Take notice and an active interest in what their partners are doing.
Demonstrate that you at their side.

Include your partners in your life as much as possible without

Frequently demonstrate psychically and verbally your love.

Join your partner and share their interests in some way as often as possible.

Balance your need to be alone with your partners need for closeness.

Be careful not to judge your partner’s need for closeness and don’t communicate to
your partner that they are needy because they want to be close to you.


How an Introvert often shows love

They often notice a lot but may not say much.

They are generally not as critical “verbally”.

They will get close but only when they feel ready.

They feel appreciated but show it only when to do so is not embarrassing or required.

They grant more freedom to their partners and their lifestyle.


How an Extrovert often shows love

They notice you and tell you so.

They want and encourage their partners to be themselves.

They love to demonstrate psychical affection.

They show appreciation with words and actions.

They offer to include you in what matters to them.

Thomas Moore writes: “There is always a tension and a dialectic, a shifting back and forth—between concrete life and mental work on it, between living our loves and understanding them, between the desire for intimacy and the wish for solitude, between the soul of attachment and the spirit of detachment…and we may need to look for concrete ways to give life to both our intimacies and our solitude.”

In the realm of interpersonal relationships opposites often attract which means that it is common for extroverts to hook up with introverts. If both personalities can accept, respect, and are willing to give to the other according to the deep seated needs of their partners than ying and yang can co-exist and create beautiful music…but….if not…than conflict and tension will arise and if attention is not given to the needs of our partners than the relationship will wax and wane between the realm of heaven and hell.

Relationship Quotes

I bring you another entry on quotes with some brief commentary from your's truly.

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others,
How much they love them
While they're alive.

And why is this the case?...and..How hard is it to tell you’re partner how much you love them on a regular basis?...Apparently, it is very difficult for a lot of people. No easy answers. Probably need to dig a bit deeper.

Just because someone doesn't love you
in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you
with all they've got.

I sure wish someone has told me this about 20 years ago…We all have our limits and maybe it would help if we communicated to our partners “how” they could best love us. And, be gracious for all their efforts and always give them the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Than what is?...Why and who we fall in love with has always been a mystery to me. On some days I wish this wasn’t the case..but…deep down I am glad we cannot reduce relationships and love to the scientific method or set of formula’s because it would eliminate or reduce the critical aspects of creativity and spontaneity which breathe life into the soul of all relationships.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

And a significant number of us inhale the smoke even though we know it is potentially dangerous to our health...and...some of us are obvious chain smokers.

No one can understand love who has not experienced infatuation. And no one can understand infatuation, no matter how many times he has experienced it.

Infatuation does seem to transcend all logic…and…I suspect it is the ace in the hole of the gods to get us past our fear, anxiety, and other forms of resistance. Why can’t we just concede that resistance is futile and get aboard the Borg relationship vessel.

Platonic love is love from the neck up.

Not if you’re with someone who loves brainiacs. Some people get really turned on when they are around someone who is intelligent. At least that is what I have been told. This quote probably originated with a single bachelor recluse from an Ivy League school.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

I propose that depends on which version of Eve you get hooked up with. Not all Eve’s are the same.

The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.

Can’t argue with a group of people who show affection by rubbing their noses together. The eskimos have street cred in my book.


Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts.

Give me any version of love, hands, eyes, body, and heart. I want them all.

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

It would be nice, though, if they could change a flat tire or at least hold the flashlight while I change the tire.

Things I Wished I Knew: Part II

Thomas Moore writes, “Whether you are looking for love or trying to make it work, it can be the most difficult challenge in life and at times may seem absolutely impossible. The impossibility slowly cracks you open, and teaches you the limits of human understanding”.

Hard work is not enough…and…when you have done all that is in your power it may be time to surrender and allow fate to run it's course. Surrender is not easy for most people because as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, we associate security with control but maybe if we surrendered to the fate of the gods we might save ourselves from the potential heartbreak that occurs when we try to push things through on our terms. Oh well, I wish I had figured this out sooner, but even old dogs learn new tricks, sometimes. This is part II of “The Things I Wish I Knew”.

I wish I knew that If your job gets your best energy, your marriage or relationships will wither”…Personally, I don't think we pay enough attention to how our jobs can potentially wreck havoc on our relationships. It's not just an individual problem because I think our culture compounds the problem by socializing us to accept that "workaholism" is O.K., because we are just trying to support our families...but...I can't help wondering if the expectation to work long and hard has more to do with supporting a particular standard of living or lining the pockets of the C.E.O.'s at the top of the economic food chain and their investors. I know this probably sounds very cynical, but this is how I feel...but...bottom line for me,if our jobs our consuming all our time and just as important, our energy, than we aren't going to be able to give much to our families, friends, and partners. This is just common sense...and...I would like to throw in other things like hobbies,civic responsibilities, or just watching too much t.v. I don't want to sound like I am picking on the folks who have workaholic leanings. This is a sensitive issue for me because the wife of my best friend in high school left him because of his work situation. He was absolutely devastated and completely shocked and I know it has caused him and his family a significant amount of emotional pain and financial hardship over the years.

I wish I knew, that no one person, no matter how much they love you, can meet all your needs. This is one of those things that we all know intellectually, but, our actions may not follow...so...we cling, become possessive, jealous, and don't look inside ourselves or others to meet our various needs...and...thus...drive our partners away because, intuitively, no one wants to bear the burden or expectation of having to meet the deep and seemingly infinite needs of another individual. This can be a real challenge for some partners because they may lack the resources within to sustain themselves during times of trouble, anxiety, or crisis...or...they may have bought into the marital myth that our partners are supposed to meet all our deep needs...I'll close with a couple of thoughts from family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom.

"It is sheer fantasy to believe that our marriage partners alone can fulfill us. We also need friends, satisfying work, healthy solitude, play, and other life experiences to fulfill the needs of our soul. Unrealistic expectations inevitably set us up for disappointment....and...The more secure we feel within ourselves, the more able we are to grant our partners the room they need to include other loving relationships into their lives"

Things I Wish I Knew: Part I

In their book 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married, psychotherapists Linda and Charlie Bloom share some practical advise which they hope will help make love and relationships last. I am generally not one to propose formulas or too specific directions regarding relationships but I did like many of their practical suggestions and would like to pass along a few of their suggestions along with the ideas of some of my other favorite authors in a series I will simply call, Things I Wish I Knew.

1. I wish I knew that "Great relationships don't just happen; they are created."
Oh sure, everyone knows that relationships require work, attention, and a
significant amount of sweat and tears but during the initial romance phase which
sometimes can last for six months or longer we often trick ourselves into
thinking that "maybe" this relationship will be immune from the trials and
tribulations of other relationships...so...when we are eventually hit between the
eyes with our first "real" challenge significant doubts can and most often arise
and our initial inclination may be to bail out of the ship. Acknowledging and
understanding that "all" relationships are challenging and require our time and
attention will not make it any easier but it may help us from losing our nerve
as we face the ongoing challenges and ups and downs of all relationships.

Here are a couple of related thoughts from Thomas Moore's book Soulmates

Marriage requires of us the slaying of our initial ideals and values about marriage, about our partners, about ourselves. How we do this without developing a cynical view of marriage or without becoming literal victims of the abusive potential in marriage? Perhaps if we widened our image of relationships to include their being occasionally blissful and occasionally mortifying, with a mixture of all possibilities between, we might not be so surprised when challenging difficulties appear….The intimacy we pledge at the wedding is an invitation to open Pandora’s box of soul’s graces and perversities…and…few experiences in life reach such remote and uncultivated regions of the heart, unearthing material that is both incredibly fertile and frighteningly primordial.

If you don’t realize that you are walking on coals and running the gauntlet and surviving the wilderness in quest of a vision---all within the confines of a simple human relationship—you could be undone by it. Love gives you a sense of meaning, but asks a price. It will make you into the person you are called to be, but only if you endure its pain and allow it to empty you as much as it fills you.


2. I wish I knew that Growing up in a happy family doesn't ensure a good marriage
and growing up in unhappy family doesn't preclude having one. This is encouraging
news for those of us who may not have had a particular happy childhood and may
have accepted the assumption that one cannot escape one's past. For some time I
have believed that our greatest weakness can potentially become our greatest
strengths. I suspect good marriages can be achieved by those who come from
challenging pasts because we know existentially what it is like to grow up in
a highly dysfunctional family and we are "determined" to do whatever it may take
to avoid experiencing the emotional pain associated with growing up in a unhappy
home. Motivation and desire may not solve all our relationship problems and it
may not trump good advise or wisdom but it can potentially take us a long way.

Why I love you

Love is difficult to define but the following entries may help shed some light for those who ponder the meaning of love from time to time.


I love you because you kiss me like you mean it.

I love you because when your arms fold around me, all my worries disappear.

I love you because you find a way to make me feel special each and every day.

I love you because you are proud to be seen with me.

I love you because when I am irritable, you are forgiving.

I love you because you don't demand more of me than I can give you.

I love you because you are not indifferent to my love for you.

I love you because you indulge my romantic impulses.

I love you because you know how to say the difficult things without hurting my
feelings.

I love you because you always give me the benefit of the doubt.

I love you because even though time has changed me, you still find me attractive.

I love you because I know without a doubt that you love me, too.

I love you because when I need you, you try to comfort me.

I love you because you don't expect me to be everything to you.

I love you because when I want to talk, you are patient.

I love you because you have enriched my life in ways I never imagined.

I love you because you are careful with my tender spots.

I love you because I always have fun with you.

I love you because when I touch you, you touch me back.

I love you because I feel safe with you.

I love you because you always see the best in me.

I love you because you have helped me to better understand myself.

I love you because you have never tried to change who I am.

I love you because when I gave myself to you, I lost nothing.

I love you because you surprise me with little gifts.

I love you because you understand my needs.

I love you because you are my best friend.

I love you because even when you are angry with me, you are kind.

I love you because your affection soothes me.

I love you because you like to spoil me now and then.

I love you because when I can't sleep, you rub my back.

I love you because with you I have a profound sense of belonging.

I love you because when I look into your eyes, I see your love for me.

I love you because when we spend time together you are never distracted by something
more important.

I love you because when I reach for you, you move closer.

I love you because you never fail to consider my feelings.

I love you because you like to sleep like spoons.

I love you because without you my life would be less than it has become.

Mindful Loving: Control verses Allowing

When people tell us how we are, how we do, or what we should do,they practice a dangerous kind of sorcery...Patricia Evans


"To control is to act to effect an outcome, generally by means of restraint,physical, or verbal, with regard to self, others, or the world around us"...One of the hardest things for us to do, especially in the context of our relationships is to surrender and give up control of our partners feelings, beliefs, actions, and attitude. Giving up control and allowing others to be who there are is difficult, in large part, because we associate control with security...and...when we don't feel a sense of control we most often don't feel secure...but...while control may have its proper place in many aspects of our lives controlling our mates and partners will bring certain frustration, tension and perhaps even death of the relationship, sooner, if not later. Love must in the end be given freely without control on our part via manipulation, shame, guilt or fear. We must give each other space and we must allow our partners to pursue their own talents, desires, friendships, hobbies, careers,hopes and dreams. I don't mean to imply that we all live separate individual lives because if we are in a committed relationship "all our choices" should take into consideration the feelings and desires of our partners and we shouldn't take lightly doing anything that might bring about significant pain to our partners. I also don't mean to imply that if our partners are making choices which hurt us or our families we should simply passively sit by. It is "O.K." to speak up and communicate our own feelings and desires and we must not forget that "we" do always have the option to leave our relationships or to temporarily separate if we can no longer live with the pain of the choices of our partners.

It is also important to remember the potential fruits of surrendering the control of our relationships. When a person is given space and freedom to choose to love us it is more likely their love will be authentic because it is less likely be influenced by fear/guilt, etc. Not that it is wrong to love with a sense of obligation to the relationship but fear and other forms of manipulation, imo, are more likely to squelch love and create an undercurrent of resentment on the part of the partner who is being manipulated whether he/she is consciously or unconsciously aware of what is going on...and...another thing to consider...People who feel a need to control often act out of deep seated insecurities and they need our compassion and understanding, particularly if they are someone we deeply love.

Mindful Loving: Affection

Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots.
--Nathaniel Hawthorne

Someone once said, "All our fears, no matter how deep, can be erased by a single loving stroke"...I don't know if an act of affection can solve "all" a persons fears, no matter how deep, but I do believe acts of affection towards each other can go a long way and can provide powerful momentary relief from our fears. So what is affection? Affection refers to closeness both on the physical and emotional levels. Affection includes nearness and more importantly a loving presence. We receive real affection when someone is committed to being beside us "often". This does not require "constant" cohabitation but reliable and habitual availability. Affection is the opposite of abandoning and distance.

Affection can be demonstrated verbally and physically. Compassionate words are example of showing affection. Touching, hugging, holding hands, and sex are all examples of affection when the motives are steeped in love for the other and not just ourselves. Affection also includes kindness, thoughtfulness, playfulness, romantic gestures, remembering important events and a genuine liking of the one we are with.

So, in the words of Sir John Lubbock

Do not be afraid of showing your affection.
Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate.
For, love is more than money, and a kind word will give
more pleasure than a present.

Mindful Loving: Appreciation

"Encouraged people achieve the best; dominated people achieve second best; neglected people achieve the least."...Anonymous

When we don't show appreciation to our partners we are neglecting them thus placing them in a position where they are less likely to reciprocate the kind of encouragement and appreciation we need. Appreciation involves admiration and delight in others and acknowledgment in their uniqueness and potential. Appreciation can be demonstrated by a word of praise, a wink, a pat on the shoulder, a loving look, a thank you, a hug, etc. And if in doubt, ask your partner, what can I do today, tomorrow, and in the future to make you feel appreciated.

According to relationship researcher John Gottman the ratio of appreciation to complaint is five to one, in couples that stay together. I don't know why we don't show more appreciation towards each other and our partners/mates in particular. Maybe we were never shown much appreciation in our families, or maybe we don't experience a sense of appreciation in our jobs, but the cosmic law of the universe does suggest that if we show appreciation to others, we are more likely to receive appreciation in return...and...the bottom line is that we all want to feel appreciated. It's an important aspect of feeling and experiencing love.

Steven Brunkhorst sums it up well by saying, "Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have. When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times."

Mindful Loving: Acceptance

David Richo writes: “Love is experienced differently by each of us, but for most of us five aspects of love stand out. We feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, and affection, and when allowed the freedom to live in accord with our own deepest needs and wishes”…Intimacy, at its best means giving and receiving these five critically important aspects of love. In my previous blog entry I explored the meaning and role of attention in interpersonal relationships. In this blog entry I want to now explore the meaning and potential application of acceptance…but…before I take a deeper look at acceptance I want to state that it is important to remember that no one person can give us all of these keys. In an adult relationship we only experience these aspects of love “some” of the time…therefore…we can only expect to receive these manifestations of love in “moderate” doses and our relationship experiences in these matters are always temporary, momentary, and always fleeting, to some degree. In other words, we will experience the kind of attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing we need with our mates or partners during the day for a few brief moments which is why we need to develop resources within and outside our primary relationship to meet our need for love…and…it is important to remind ourselves that no one single person can bare the weight of meeting another persons almost limitless need for love.

Acceptance means we receive “respectfully” the feelings, choices, and personal traits of another. Acceptance, of course, doesn’t mean we always have to like, tolerate, or live with the actions, personal preferences, or traits of others…but…in order to show acceptance “respectfully”, I need to at least acknowledge and attempt to empathize that there may be reasons beyond my ability to understand why people believe, feel, act as they do. And, perhaps it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all engage in behaviors and exhibit aspects in our choices and preferences that make no sense to us and cannot be rationalized no matter how intelligent or hard we try. For example, I am as eccentric as they come regarding many of my personal preferences but none of my close friends are particularly eccentric and I come from a family background which is as vanilla and plain Jane as can be…go figure???...

Acceptance means we must free ourselves from preconceived plans or agendas regarding how we want others to be, in other words, we need to give up control on how we want others to act and be, especially, our mates, partners, or someone we may just be dating…and…to “demand” that someone else be what “we” want, need, or desire, is toxic to the relationship because it sends a direct or indirect message that they are not good enough and no one wants to “feel” they may not be good enough even though we all understand intellectually we all have our warts and all. Personally, I find it helpful to remind myself on a regular basis that we “all” are on the same journey but are at different points along the way and our past experiences and individual limitations due to variables that may be out of our control often have a profound effect on where we are along the path of life…and…it is not fair to ourselves or others to expect that we be at the same place intellectually or emotionally, especially when one considers that none of us share the same past or have equal access to the kind of resources most often needed to get from point A to point B in our own individual spiritual, intellectual, and emotional development.

Acceptance means we embrace ourselves and others as worthy. We don’t compare ourselves, mates, or partners to others and we celebrate each others uniqueness. We kindly and respectfully support each others journey no matter how unusual it might be, unless of course, the journey involves actions that are obviously harmful to the individual or the relationship. We attempt and work at accepting and controlling our emotions which irritate or disturb us due to our mates actions acknowledging that these difficult emotional responses may be due to our own unresolved issues…and finally, acceptance means we stand up for our relationship and don’t give up on the relationship and our partners unless continual abuse, harm, or the will of the other or ourselves is no longer able to continue. And, let us not forget that acceptance is never too late to find and practice towards ourselves and others and if we are having trouble accepting others than maybe we need to explore the possibility that we have a hard time accepting ourselves.

I'll wrap this up with a few quotes on acceptance.

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."


"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"Accept that all of us can be hurt, that all of us can--and surely will at times--fail. I think we should follow a simple rule: if we can take the worst, take the risk."

"Everything in life changes you in some way. Even the smallest things. If you do not accept these changes you do not accept yourself. For through these changes brings new and greater things to you, making you wiser, as time progresses. To avoid these changes is a loss. You only live your life once. Do not waste a minute of it avoiding things. Let them come to you, and learn from them. There is always tomorrow."

"When you are in a state of nonacceptance, it's difficult to learn. A clenched fist cannot receive a gift, and a clenched psyche--grasped tightly against the reality of what must not be accepted--cannot easily receive a lesson."

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
~ Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.

Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter, and notice what happens."

The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

Generally I don't like books that assert or even suggest there is a "magic formula" to this or that because formulas most often don't take into consideration individual differences and nuances... but... David Richo's book entitled How to be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, is the exception to my rule, in large part, because what he has to say is simple to understand, can be implemented by anyone who is willing, does get to the heart of what it means to love, imo, and he doesn't make any over the top predictions or promises. David Richo is a psychotherapist who leads popular workshops at the Esalen Institute which is a high profile workshop center near Big Sur California. Richo identifies the five keys to an adult relationship as the five A's which include attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. Over the course of the next few weeks I would like to write in detail what each one of these five A's refers to in more concrete terms using Richo's book as my primary guide. I'll begin with the first key which is attention.

Attention is to engage and focus on one's partner. It means being sensitive to their needs, desires, and feelings...it doesn't mean watching a person's every move, even if motivated from a desire to protect. This kind of attention isn't attention but intrusion and overprotection which will more likely drive a person away than draw them near to you. Authentic attention should be available at any time, not just when problems arise. Attention means noticing and hearing words, feelings and experience...and...authentic attention is generally best received when we can communicate to our partners that their feelings are neither right or wrong...they just are... and... we can show respect without judgment...and...when we can express attention with neutrality we demonstrate compassion which is a major building block to the foundation of any relationship...Attention also means focusing with respect and not with contempt or ridicule...and...includes giving attention to our partner's intuition and not simply dismissing their intuition as irrelevant or immature. You are taken seriously and are given credit when credit is due. When you are given the attention you deserve your fears are inquired about in a gentle way...and...finally, giving attention means to confront directly when displeased or hurt thus harboring no secret anger or grudges against your partner....but...confrontation is "always" done with respect and the desire to keep the lives of communication open.

Potential for Greater Intimacy

"Pain and difficulty can sometimes serve as the pathway to a new level of involvement. They do not mean necessarily that there is something inherently wrong with the relationship: on the contrary, relationship trouble may be a challenging initiation into intimacy."

I believe there is so much wisdom contained in these three and a half sentences. We are socialized and conditioned to believe that maritial/relationship strife/challenges is paramount to something wrong with our relationships, which in turn, implies that there is something wrong with me, my partner, or both of us. This popular notion, however, creates a significant amount of anxiety and defensiveness which generally only makes matters worse. If….we could only see and understand that relationship trouble provides a "potential opportunity" for greater vulnerability, deeper communication and understanding on both parties than maybe so many of us wouldn’t just want to sweep so much stuff under the rug. Sweeping our problems under the rug may provide temporary relief from the challenges at hand but in the long run the dust that is under the rug always seems to find a way out from under the rug and eventually into our heart...and...a heart covered in dust is a heart that is struggling to beat.

Relationship Humor

"Humor and wit are also signs of the soul. Humor allows two people to enjoy each other’s company even as they consider some of the serious and painful aspects of everyday living without falling into despair. People who have to be perfect, or who can’t admit to each other the difficult or impossible situations life presents, can hardly be intimate. Humor allows us to entertain failure and inadequacy in life without being literally undone by them."...

If I am not careful I can easily get bogged down in the serious aspects of my relationship with a "Daughter of Eve". So, in the spirit of these words of wisdom here is a bit of relationship humor to lighten the difficulties you may be facing in your own relationship with your significant other.

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer


"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."


"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."


After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.


Hmmmm, personally I think that depends on which version of Eve one has in mind. Not all Daughters of Eve are the same…which leads me to suspect this quote may have been written by someone who has never been married for any length of time or a Daughter of Eve who got kicked out of the garden and is now all alone.

Healing Power of Touch

It is a mistake to believe that we ever outgrow the primal need to touch and be touched, to inhale the fragrance and bear the sounds of intimacy…Touch is a powerful element in healing and a lover or a physician of the body and spirit has the obligation to use it wisely.


Growing up as a child I don’t really remember being embraced or touched much by my parents except when my mom got after me with a switch she made from the Mulberry tree in our front yard....so…as a youth I often associated touch with pain. As an adult, it has taken me an entire 50 years to gradually understand the potential “healing power” of touch. Touch can take many forms from holding hands, back massages, hugging, and spooning…and…what is healing or soothing to one person may not be true for someone else. What’s important is that we touch one another on a regular basis and for the life of me I don’t understand why we don’t touch more often. It’s free, soothing, healing, and one of the most enjoyable experiences in life.

New Beginnings

"When we look at the soul of relationships we may find positive value in failures, endings, complexities, doubts, distancing, the desire for separation, and freedom, and other troubling aspects. We can see these as initiation opportunities rather than threats….The ending of a relationship doesn’t have to be read as literal failure, but can be seen vertically, as a means toward a new level of experience.”


I confess it has been very difficult, at times, to find positive value in the ending of my relationships…at least, initially..Initially there is a void filled with frequent loneliness that often lingers until the next relationship and with it, the haunting question arises, “ will I ever find love again”?...but with time, one always seems to find love again because love always seems to find a way to find us, even when we are not looking for it. And, when the spark is ignited even the strongest, mightiest, and most confident fall under it’s spell….

So what “may” the “initiation opportunities” and “new level” of experience” be that are associated with endings, doubts, distancing, desire for separation, and new freedom”?...Because each person is an individual one cannot predict what these new “initiation opportunities” will be. For some, it may be an initiation into a new relationship while for others it may be an opportunity for personal growth/healing, more time for community service , or development of new hobbies…the bottom line…. the end of a relationship need to lead one into despair, depression, or the loss of hope, but rather the beginning of potentially new satisfying opportunities.

Relationship Quotes

Here are a couple of quotes about relationships that I like and a few brief comments by yours truly….

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Reminds me of the sayings, Birds of a feather flock together….or….it takes one to know one….

"It is the things in common
that make relationships enjoyable,
but it is the little differences
that make them interesting."

I have felt for some time now that we place too much emphasis on our “differences” and we often fail to appreciate the potential value of our differences….

"When you're attracted to someone it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously, so what we know as fate is two neuroses knowing that they're a perfect match."

Ah, this verifies what I have suspected for some time now, falling in love is a symptom of temporary insanity.

The Magic of Romance

Thomas Moore writes:

Romantic love is one of the most powerful means for pulling us out of literal life into play. In the trance of love of love, we may neglect life duties and obligations, we may make heroic efforts to be with our beloved..To be in love is to be in play, to be taken by it’s illusions….From the point of the view of the soul, romantic love is trustworthy because the literal concerns of life are set aside. The soul has room to go into action, and its action is always in the nature of play...and…in our childish attachment to romance we are championing the way of the soul, its thirst for pleasure, and its inescapable need for experiences that may or may not be conducive to productive lives...and…no matter how unrealistic in relation to the structures of life, no matter how illusory and dangerous, romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love….

For most of my adult life I never thought of romance as something “powerful”, “trustworthy”, magical, and certainly not as “important to my relationships as some of the other aspects of love, like sacrificial giving or providing economic security…and……Like many men my age I was socialized to think of romance as a prelude to sex and something we are expected to never forget on Valentines Day, Birthday’s and Anniversaries. While romance was something I enjoyed most of the time it was quite frankly somewhat of a burden because it was often communicated to me that it was something I was expected to “initiate”…in other words…it was part of “my” job description and thus I subconsciously resented romance, particularly during the Valentine Day season which to this day I feel is more about profits for greeting card companies and the flower industry…but…I have learned, the hard way, to keep that cynical perspective to myself.

It is often said that you often don’t miss something until it is gone and I confess I probably miss romance more than just about anything about being married except for the special family times during the holidays and vacations. It can be brutal being single during the holiday season and going on vacations alone gets old after a while….It has been ten years since I shared a romantic evening within the context of marriage. That is not to say I have not had any romance for ten years because I have experienced many romantic moments since I have been single and the potential for romance excursions is probably the thing I now enjoy most about being single and thus now feel that “romantic love is as important to the soul as any other kind of love”…and…if I ever remarry I intend give more attention to this aspect of my relationship than I did before because I can’t imagine a relationship with frequent romance…but…I also believe romance works best when there is reciprocation. I mention this because “some” partners choose for a variety of reasons to defer this all important aspect of the relationship to the other partner…but…as you know, it takes two to tango….

The Art of Love

Sam Keen writes:

"In spite of the deep seated craving for love, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love: success, prestige, money, power,---almost all our energy is used for learning how to achieve these aims and almost none to learn the art of loving"

Almost one out of two people who get married are going to get divorced…and…who really knows how many other people either feel trapped, disillusioned or greatly disappointed in their relationships. I suspect, it may be at least another twenty five per cent of the population…which….translates into a lot of people aren’t particularly happy or content in their relationships. There are no doubt many potential reasons for this current state of affairs, some, which may have little or nothing to do with the nature of relationships or the individuals involved. Years ago when I was wrestling with my own marriage challenges I concluded that there were numerous forces “outside” of my marriage that were creating tensions within my marriage. Some of these forces included demands and expectations at work and unrealistic expectations of marriage that are regularly perpetuated by the media, popular authors, and various religious communities…but…despite these outside influences it is my opinion that maybe the greatest culprit is the lack of education regarding “the art of loving”…I use the word art to imply and suggest that imagination and creativity are two of the primary ingredients needed in the relationship dance. …Learning the art of loving is a challenge because we are generally socialized to assume that relationships can be improved or fixed by simply following a set of time honored principles or formulas…which…may sell a lot of books but often may not work and lead to gradual disillusionment because they lack the needed ingredients of imagination and creativity…I concede that imagination and creativity are difficult to explain because their applications are limitless and vary from one person to another…which…requires time, effort, and practice on our part. Most people prefer what they consider “time honored” formula’s and principles because it requires less time and effort because all you do is follow what a popular author or book tells you to do and this approach is very tempting in a society where we are all pressed for time…but…buyer beware…while there is much one can gain from popular authors and books, without creativity and imagination, the relationship dance is reduced to a science and without art I am afraid our dance routine becomes too predictable which leads to boredom and may help explain why a lot of couples began searching for greener pastures…

Welcome Pilgrims

This blog was created to explore the topics of love, romance, sex, marriage, and the nature of relationships. If you are looking for information to assure bliss and ever lasting happiness you will not find it here…but…if you are interested in learning to accept and embrace the “reality” of relationships, as they really are, then it is my hope you might find some wisdom or help here, or at least, someone else or a community, that is willing to explore the relationship dance with you.

Over the past 10 years I have been through one divorce and a couple of serious relationships where marriage was discussed and considered and I have spent a significant amount of time thinking, reading, and pondering about the nature of intimate relationships. I don’t make any assertions that I know anything more than the rest of society regarding what makes a successful or happy relationship but I can say with some personal conviction that I am much more aware of the various aspects and levels of relationships than I once was when I started this journey ten years ago. So, if you are interested in pondering with me the “nature” of the relationship dance then I invite you to read on and check in from time to time to read what I and others have to say…and…I have a hunch you may find yourself in the words, thoughts, experiences that are shared here in this space…and…it is my hope and prayer that those who sojourn with me on this journey will find some wisdom and peace of mind…

Acknowledgments….While I have done much of this journey solo, no man or woman is totally an island unto themselves and I am certainly no exception. Along the way I have received much encouragement and direction from my counselor and my thinking has been stimulated and challenged by such writers as Thomas Moore and Sam Keen…regarding Thomas Moore…Moore has written three books which will be quoted often and at length, Soul Mates, Dark Night of the Soul, and The Soul of Sex…and…without these three books I seriously doubt this blog would have ever been created.